DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've always had difficulty with making conversation and verbalizing my ideas. Even though I've worked in a management position in a professional office, chatting just doesn't come easy to me. It has been suggested that I might have Asperger's.

More times than I can remember, I've been told "You're so quiet!" -- either alone or in the presence of a group. Since I'm not good at conversing, being put in the position of having to defend myself via conversation is extremely frustrating and embarrassing. It seems like any response I give comes out as defensive and unkind, or else it just fuels further discussion. This may entertain those around me, but makes me feel even more awkward.

I've often wondered why people feel the need to point out that I'm quiet. It certainly isn't an icebreaker, and although some people don't mind joking about their own weaknesses, it seems rude to pester someone who doesn't find it humorous. Most people don't struggle with conversation to the degree that I do, so they don't understand that I'm just not good at it.

Everyone has weaknesses, though. Some people aren't good at math, for instance, and they struggle with tasks like making change. I don't understand this because I am good at math, but I would never think of teasing someone about it or pointing it out. That would be unkind, if not rude.

Is it rude to pester a shy person about being quiet?

GENTLE READER: Yes, and it is even ruder to bestow an amateur diagnosis on someone.

With all the chatterers in the world, Miss Manners would think people should be grateful to encounter someone who doesn't try to dominate every conversation. Good listeners are rare and should be cherished.

Here is what you could say when challenged: "Well, I know all about me, so I'm more interested in hearing about you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm having a 50th birthday party at a restaurant and can't afford to pay for everyone's meal. How do I make it clear I'm NOT paying for food and drinks without being rude? I really just want to share a meal with my friends, but can't afford to pay for everyone.

GENTLE READER: When people tell Miss Manners that they cannot afford to do something, she is prepared to sympathize. But sympathy is not what they are after. They plan to do it anyway, and expect her to endorse a scheme to make other people pay the bills.

You are not "throwing a party" if you are charging those who may attend. They are not "guests" if you are not offering them hospitality.

If the idea is just to share a meal with your friends, can you not find a way to do this -- perhaps a party at home -- that you can afford? If you insist on going to that restaurant, you should at least warn others by saying something like, "I'm planning to treat myself to a birthday meal there and would be pleased if you want to show up."

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband often compliments ladies -- young or old, married or single -- by saying how beautiful their hair is, or how nice their dress is, or that he likes the color.

Some get offended, and some even believe he's hitting on them, when he's merely paying compliments. What is the appropriate way to compliment today?

GENTLE READER: Who doesn't like to hear something nice?

That is what you and your husband are kindly thinking, Miss Manners knows. But she is afraid that the situation is more complicated.

It is more a matter of context than of age or marital status. It is one thing to say "Wow, you look fantastic!" to your spouse, and quite another to say it to your summer intern.

Having one's appearance appraised, even favorably, can be scary from a stranger and demeaning in a business situation. What would your husband think if a female colleague said, "I just love your hair"? Or even, "Snazzy shirt! Is it new?"

Socially, compliments are lovely, provided they are not more personal than the relationship warrants. Compliments about the body -- eyes, hair, whatever -- are flirtatious, and best saved for those with whom there is a loving bond. Clothes are only marginally safer. But the best compliments refer to words or actions: "I love your wit" or "That was a great job you did."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter asked her best friend of 17 years to be her maid of honor, and she accepted. Shortly after that, there was a rumor that this friend would soon be moving out of state with her sister, 13 hours away.

While my daughter is not upset about the move, she is upset with how her friend handled it. The friend told several other people she would be moving, but neglected to tell her "best friend" until a month before the move. Not only that, but she gave her the news via text message after they had just spent a week together on vacation.

My daughter is hurt that she was only worth a text, and told her she needed a break from the friendship. Now they hardly communicate, and the friend never asks my daughter about wedding plans -- but yet is still planning the bachelorette trip.

My daughter isn't even sure she wants her to stand next to her on the big day, but so far but hasn't had a talk with said maid of honor.

What are your thoughts? Does she still deserve to hold that title? Also, this friend's sister and nephew are in the wedding as well, so this could cause my daughter to lose three people.

GENTLE READER: Not to mention a 17-year friendship?

Considering how upset your daughter is, to the extent of considering throwing away that long friendship, Miss Manners suspects that the maid of honor might know her friend well enough to have been afraid of telling her about the move.

And surely, if she is planning a trip in connection with this wedding, that is demonstration enough of her interest and commitment. It is no small chore to plan such a trip while in the middle of a move.

Miss Manners urges you to help your daughter calm down and put this into perspective. It is no time to throw over an old friendship -- or, as might strike her as more serious at the moment, a significant portion of her bridal party.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went out with three friends for what was billed as a chance to enjoy oysters together. When we got to the restaurant, it turned out one of our party didn't like oysters and decided to get a salad instead. One of our party told the server that we would just be getting the oysters and the salad. I hadn't really decided whether I just wanted oysters or an oyster appetizer and something additional, but I really didn't care, so that was fine.

When the oysters arrived on two large platters, the server told the salad eater that her salad would be right up. I asked if the others liked lemon, and when they said they did, I squeezed lemon over the oysters near me. I then picked up an oyster, dipped it in sauce and ate it.

After finishing, I became uncomfortably aware that no one else was eating. I asked why, and was told they were waiting for the other person's salad to arrive. I was profoundly embarrassed and apologized to the salad eater.

I almost always wait for everyone to be served before starting to eat. But in this situation, I thought of the oysters as an appetizer, which I will start eating when it arrives.

If the purpose of good manners is to make people comfortable at the table, this behavior made me feel very uncomfortable.

GENTLE READER: But you asked. And got several indications -- from your friends when they ordered and from the server when she announced it -- that the salad was meant to be eaten at the same time as the oysters. Waiting until everyone has something to eat was the polite thing to do.

Had your friends rudely corrected you without solicitation, Miss Manners would be taking your side. But what would you have them say when you asked them directly?

She further warns you about weaponizing etiquette or thinking of it as a means to provide comfort -- namely yours. One can politely make someone feel uncomfortable, if it is because they were ignoring the needs of others in order to put their own first. That is what your friends did -- and as long as they did not lecture or scold you, they were correct.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We were at a free concert last night. Almost every seat was taken. Starting 30 minutes before the performance and lasting until the end, it appeared that someone was saving two seats in the orchestra section. There was a large purse in one and a coat in the other.

People were searching for empty seats, but moved on after seeing these two seats were full of belongings. After the concert, I saw the owners collect their purse and coat, and I asked them why they put their things there. They said if anyone had wanted to sit there, they could have.

Isn't this selfish? What should I have said?

GENTLE READER: "Are these seats taken?" Ideally, you would ask this before you spent the entire concert seething because you already knew the answer.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)