DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I was the victim of a violent assault that my then-11-year-old daughter witnessed. It traumatized both of us, but me, the worst. I completely dove off the deep end. I started drinking and smoking pot, and quit going to church. My whole personality changed. I dumped every moment with my children I could onto my husband so I could go out with my "friends" to clubs, bars, concerts or parties. I then started having affairs with many different people, including women. My husband knew about all of it, and despite the torture and pain I put him through, he stayed with me.

Years later, I have managed to slowly heal from that devastating assault. I have found true joy in my children and being a mom again. I don't party, drink or smoke anymore. But one thing has become clear: I'm no longer sexually attracted to my husband. I love him very much, but the thought of being intimate with him grosses me out. It makes me so uncomfortable. I don't even like it when he tries to caress me. It has been like this for a year. But I do love holding hands with him and cuddling with him.

I feel bad because I know he has needs, but I just can't bring myself to get physical with him. I've actually thought that leaving him might be necessary because he has never fully healed from what I've done, and I'm still struggling with finding other men attractive. Abby, what do I do? -- PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER

DEAR PUTTING: Please accept my sympathy for what happened to you. I am struck by the fact that nowhere in your letter did you mention receiving counseling after the assault. If you didn't, please seek a referral to a licensed mental health professional now so you can understand the connection between what you experienced in your assault and your lack of feelings for your husband. You owe it to both of you.

Go online and search on "services for victims of crime" in your state. Help is available through these resources. Alternatively, your physician or health insurance provider can give you a referral. Explain to your husband that the problem isn't him -- it's you -- and you will be getting help for it. Please don't wait to reach out because help is available.

DEAR ABBY: My 45-year-old son is getting married to a lovely girl. More good news: She is an heiress and in a financial bracket that I can never compete with. They are having a big wedding. I need help finding a gift that will have meaning to them. They already have a house, fancy trips and everything they need. -- BAFFLED IN OHIO

DEAR BAFFLED: Because you're not an heiress, consider giving them something money can't buy -- something personal. If she cooks when they're not traveling or has someone to do it for them, a collection of your family's recipes -- especially your son's favorites -- might be appreciated. And if they plan to start a family later on, consider giving his wife his baby book if you made one for him.

DEAR ABBY: Our dear mother recently passed away after an extended illness. We all knew it was inevitable, but it didn't make our loss any easier. My siblings and I were devastated, and we still are. The day of her funeral was especially hard.

One of our older daughters brought her children, our granddaughters (13 and 19 years old), to the funeral. While everyone else was dressed appropriately, one of our granddaughters wore tattered jeans with a loose top that exposed her belly. When one of her uncles mentioned her attire, she snapped that we had better things to think about. I was very upset and wanted to yell at her to leave, but my grief overcame my anger.

The whole time this granddaughter was there, she made sure everyone knew she was. I burst into tears, but that didn't seem to bother her. Rather than allow the family to grieve, it was more important to her that nobody was going to tell her what to do.

I want to tell her how we all felt about her attire and her attitude. I don't want to ruin my relationship with her, but honestly, if another family member passes, none of us wants to deal with her attitude while we are grieving. How do I tell her how disrespectful she was and that the time was not for her -- it was for us as a family to grieve? -- STILL SAD IN THE EAST

DEAR STILL SAD: Your granddaughter's behavior at her great-grandmother's funeral was atrocious. It was worse than her attire. The people who should "explain" proper attire and funeral etiquette to her are her parents, not you. Discuss this with them when you can do it calmly, since you and your siblings still are in pain, and your emotions are raw.

DEAR ABBY: I am a stepfather to five kids. Three are over 18; the other two are young teens. I need help explaining to my wife the importance of having the younger kids take responsibility in life. Each time I start talking about it, she says it stresses her out.

She has a busy career and shoulders the responsibilities the kids should be doing. She's a wonderful mother, but I feel she is becoming a crutch to them. I want the kids to be successful, but I think they are being held back. How do I address this in a positive way? -- LOST FOR WORDS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR LOST: Sometimes well-meaning parents can do too much for their kids. A positive way to approach this sensitive subject with your wife would be to explain that you want those children to be capable of becoming independent when they are older. To achieve that, they need to learn certain skills now so they can practice them while they are young adults.

Many families accomplish this by giving their tweens and teens an allowance in return for taking on certain household chores. It shouldn't stress out your wife to discuss this with you and consider the wisdom of it. Because she is so busy working, it might be helpful if you took the lead on this by broaching the subject with the kids, and showing them what they have to gain if they agree.

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband, but I'm getting tired of being a second-class citizen in my home. It started when we bought a van from a friend of mine. We talked about different things we could do with it -- fix it up a little and sell it, or use it for vacation -- but somewhere along the line it was suggested that we let my ex, "Paul," buy it from us because he's homeless and chooses to let everyone else take care of him.

The van is now fixed. Paul lost his job and is now living in the van -- in my driveway. The problem is, he doesn't stay in the van. He crashes on my couch, uses my electricity, water, etc., and now eats my food. I told my husband this is not healthy for my mental well-being.

My husband and I own our own business, and Paul has now become involved in that, too. My husband says he can use the help and it gives Paul money to move. The only problem with that is my ex doesn't use the money for bills -- he blows it on junk he doesn't need. I'm tired of raising a 41-year-old grown man. Help! -- FED UP IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR FED UP: You are not a second-class citizen. This arrangement seems crazy. Because it is interfering with your marriage, tell your husband the situation is affecting your mental health and insist upon a deadline by which Paul will be out of there. Guests, like fish, start to stink after three days, and Paul has exceeded that by far. He has a van, so whether or not he has saved enough for a place of his own, he won't be without shelter. Your mental health is more important than your husband having an extra hand in the business.

DEAR ABBY: I have several creative friends who have either written a book or made a music CD. I get asked to read or listen to these creations and submit an online review. The book was written about a very rough divorce, and my "friend" described her ex using some gossipy (and awful) information that I knew was not true. She placed all the blame on her ex, when it was she who committed adultery (a fact she conveniently left out of the book). The music CD was not to my liking either -- my friend cannot sing.

How do I handle these review requests? So far, I have simply not submitted a review because I'm not going to lie or give a bad one. But what do I say when they ask? -- CRITICAL CRITIC

DEAR CRITIC: Tell your author friend that while she may be a talented writer, you are not comfortable endorsing her book because it is being used as a weapon to make her ex-husband look bad. Point out that if her book succeeds, he could retaliate by suing her for libel, and you want no part of it. As to your musician friend, all you need to say about the CD is that "it is clear the singer has music in their soul."

In the future when you are asked to write a review, decline by stating that because you are a friend, you cannot give an unbiased review. Period.