DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 40s. Last year, we decided to make a very big change in our lives. We decided to seek out a second wife (sister wife) for my husband. I was completely on board with it at first. He reached out to a woman he knew years ago and asked if she would consider joining our family. However, I started getting this feeling that she wasn't the right woman to bring into our family. She ignored many of my in-depth questions about why she wanted to live this type of life.

I have expressed to my husband that I no longer want her in my life and it has reached the point that I no longer want to live a plural lifestyle. I felt bad that I'm the one who changed my mind, so I agreed to allow them to continue a relationship -- as long as they keep me out of it, and he keeps her out of my home and my life.

I don't understand how he can continue living this way, living two separate lives and be OK with it. We've been together more than 20 years and I don't want to leave, but how can I continue loving a man with my whole heart and soul when he only loves me with part of his? -- SISTER WIFE

DEAR WIFE: Relationships such as you describe can work out when all three of the parties involved feel they are equally valued. Some women tolerate their husband having someone "on the side" because they derive some benefit beyond the emotional connection one associates with marriage. That said, in the final analysis, the only person who can answer the question you're asking me is you.

DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old girl. My 16-year-old sister has severe depression and an eating disorder. She has been to the hospital twice because of it, and now she has to go to the hospital every day to get her to eat more. Even though people are helping her, I don't think she's getting better. It makes me feel worried and sad.

My mom has me seeing a therapist, and she helps me to feel better, but it's still hard knowing my sister is having such a hard time. I have never dealt with anything this hard in my life. I wish I could just not have to always think about how sad I am. I really want everything to be normal. Can you tell me ways to not get so upset about everything that's going on? -- HAVING A HARD TIME IN IOWA

DEAR HAVING A HARD TIME: I'm glad you are seeing a therapist you can talk to about your sadness and worry. Being able to discuss them with someone you trust and who isn't emotionally involved can be a blessing.

I do have a suggestion that might help you in addition to your therapy. Participate in sports activities and hobbies that keep your mind occupied. If you keep yourself busy, you will have less time to dwell on your sadness and worry. And please, write me again in a couple of months and let me know how you are doing, because I'm hopeful you will be feeling better than you do right now.

DEAR ABBY: I've been the stepfather of two girls for 18 years. They are 22 and 24 now. My wife and her ex-husband adopted them at birth. When they were 2 and 4, he had an affair and left them for a woman who had two children.

Why do these two girls look at him as their dad when I have been the one who has always been here for them? They have never shown me much respect, yet the man who adopted them and then left them and their mother for another family they regard as their dad and respect him. -- HURT AND FRUSTRATED

DEAR HURT: You have my sympathy. This may have happened because their mother never explained to them that the person who left them failed to fulfill the father role he had promised, and the man who raised them -- you -- is their dad. She also failed to insist they treat you with the respect you deserved. If there is blame to be laid, I blame her for this, not them.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding my husband's obituary. He died suddenly a year ago. Because of shock, anxiety and pressure to get his obit into the newspaper before the weekend, I rushed it. I had never written an obituary before. My dear sister-in-law helped me, and we finally finished it at 4 a.m. Since then, I have been unhappy and uncomfortable with it. It wasn't thorough or personal or loving. It was "just the facts," and I have always wanted to redo it. I also included some things I regret. What are your thoughts on my revamping and re-submitting another version to the area newspaper his obituary appeared in? -- REDO IN THE EAST

DEAR REDO: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Contact the newspaper and ask that question. I have seen "In Memoriam" items published long after the deceased has been buried. If you feel it would comfort you, it couldn't hurt to ask.

DEAR ABBY: My sister's job requires her to make presentations to professional groups. When she used the word "irregardless" in a conversation with me, I told her the correct word is "regardless." I genuinely did not want her to embarrass herself in a professional setting.

Yesterday, she used the word "irregardless" again when we were talking. Should I correct her again, or let it go? This situation is complicated by the fact that I have asked her to stop constantly correcting me, although her corrections don't usually involve grammar or word usage. -- UNSURE IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNSURE: You told your sister once that the word she used was incorrect. In light of your history with her, if you repeat it, she may think you are trying to one-up her and resent it. (In cases like this, no good deed goes unpunished.)

P.S. Many people make this mistake, so hold a good thought. Perhaps the audience she's making the presentation to won't notice.

DEAR ABBY: When my boyfriend found out I have the money to do it, he asked me to pay off his car. Now, because I said no, he won't answer the phone or talk to me. I have helped him in the past, but he continues to ask me for money. I think he's using me. He tries to make me feel guilty by accusing me of not caring about him because, "If I did, I would pay off his car."

I'm 58 years old, and the money I have is for me to live comfortably, not to spend on him. I told him as much, and he still insists I should help him with his bills. We live separately, and I suspect he's really just interested in the money, but I'm afraid of being lonely. What should I do? -- WELL-OFF IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WELL-OFF: There are worse things than being lonely (for a while). Chief among them is knowing you are being used by someone who cares nothing about you beyond what he can extract from you. What you "should" do is kick him to the curb and not look back. There are better days ahead for you if you do.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are having a hard time navigating a recurring situation in our marriage. My husband is friendly with three brothers. They hang out often and sometimes drink. Their sister sometimes hangs out with them, too.

I'm uncomfortable with my husband getting drunk when she's around. He continues to do it, though, in spite of my concerns. Last night, he was at his friend's house from 11 p.m. until 6 a.m. She was there for part of the drinking and partying. I really have a hard time with this. What should we do? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE WEST

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Although coming home at 6 a.m. is awfully late, it may have happened because he was too drunk to drive home earlier. I have trouble believing anything untoward would happen with the sister in the presence of her three brothers. Has your husband done anything to cause your insecurity? If not, you need to work on your jealousy and trust issues. If, however, he has, then you need to work together to get to the root of what is going wrong in your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My son's fiancee has just informed me that I need to send her my guest list for the wedding, and she will let me know to whom she will send invitations. When I asked if she meant that there was a limited number of guests, she said no, but she didn't want people there who didn't mean anything to her. She's from the East Coast, and my son met her in college in another state, so she doesn't know many of our family members or friends. How do I respond to this? Thank you. -- MOTHER-OF-THE-GROOM

DEAR MOTHER: It appears your son's fiancee has "forgotten" that after marriage there are two sides to the family. Respond by bringing your son into the conversation. He's in the perfect position to explain to his bride-to-be who the people on the guest list are so she'll have some insight about whom to invite. (Include those details on the proposed guest list you send to them.) That information will be important to her during the wedding celebrations and also (fingers crossed) during their long, happy life together.