life

Self-Centered Brother Has Siblings at Their Wits' End

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 2nd, 2022 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I come from a nice family. My siblings are thoughtful and kind, but one of my brothers is a conversational narcissist. He drones on for hours (if we let him) without asking a single question to engage another person.

He sees nothing wrong with talking endlessly about his work and his acquisitions, which interest no one. He will compare, indirectly, my home with his, assuming that his is far superior and better decorated -- never considering that my home is just right for me and that I do not lust for more. All of us listen to him and do our best to show an interest without ever receiving that courtesy in return.

How can we nudge him toward showing an interest in others? In his times of need, I have been there for him and listened to his troubles, and I have gotten the impression that he's kinder than any of us have assumed, given his self-centered ramblings. Is there any way to influence him toward being a more thoughtful conversationalist? -- SORE-EARED SIBLING

DEAR SIBLING: Yes, there is. "Someone" is going to have to tell this brother -- in as gentle language as possible -- that hogging the conversation is as unwelcome as hogging all the food at the buffet. He should also be told that comparing what he has to that of his siblings, who may have less, comes across as bragging, which makes them uncomfortable.

If no one has the courage to address this, a group intervention may be needed to stanch the motormouth. However, if this is more than any of you want to risk, see this sibling separately one-on-one. If he's not playing to a crowd, he may behave differently.

MoneySelf-WorthHolidays & CelebrationsWork & SchoolMental HealthHealth & SafetyEtiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting
life

Former Stepmom Wants To Halt Contact With Girl

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 2nd, 2022 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I divorced three years ago after he had an affair and destroyed our lives (including his daughter's, who considered me her only real mom). The divorce took about a year. Since then, he has stopped communicating with me and pretends I never existed. My stepdaughter, "Dana," however, never let go.

I held on as well for a couple of years, but as time goes on, I am feeling I'm in an increasingly impossible situation. What my ex did and his actions that followed were incredibly cruel. They devastated me. Staying in touch with Dana has slowly become a painful reminder of that and has made it difficult for me to close this unhappy chapter of my life. I don't want to hurt Dana. I hope that one day she'll understand, but I feel the need to cease contact in order to heal fully. Is this too cruel? -- TRAUMATIZED IN FLORIDA

DEAR TRAUMATIZED: What a sad situation. I'm sorry you feel there is no other way to heal from your ex-husband's betrayal than to distance yourself from Dana, who loves you. However, feeling as you do, you must take care of yourself. Please do not "ghost" her. It is important that you explain to her, as kindly as possible, your reasons for ending your relationship, so she understands this is not her fault.

Self-WorthTeensMental HealthHealth & SafetyEtiquette & EthicsFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Retired Man Takes a Liking to Neighbor Across Street

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 1st, 2022 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are retired. A short while ago, a young couple moved in across the street. A few months later, my husband, who does yardwork for neighbors for extra money, started working in theirs. He never charged them for it, and even after they had the equipment to care for their yard, continued working there some of the time.

When "Cindy," the wife, would be in the front yard, he frequently stopped his work to talk to her or stare at her. (He never stopped his work for anyone else.) Several times a week, I'd notice he was over at Cindy's mowing the yards on each side of her house and would make excuses to check to see if anything else needed to be done. He confessed to me about looking through the fence one time, and I'm sure he has done it more.

One day, I caught him standing, fixated, watching her work in the front yard, completely oblivious to his surroundings. He has told me how pretty he thinks she is, and she IS attractive. She rarely starts a conversation or comes into our yard, but he goes into hers to talk at every opportunity. If I question him about it, he either lies to me, laughs at me or yells at me. What should I do? -- HUMILIATED IN TEXAS

DEAR HUMILIATED: Your husband obviously has a crush on this young, pretty neighbor. Fortunately, from what you have written, it doesn't appear to be reciprocated. If I were you, I'd develop a sense of humor about the situation. Tell him that if he's planning to run away with her, you want advance notice so you can call your lawyer. Then bide your time because these kinds of crushes usually wane.

AbuseSelf-WorthFriends & NeighborsMental HealthHealth & SafetyMarriage & DivorceEtiquette & Ethics
life

Loan To Help Out Friend Lacked Details in Writing

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 1st, 2022 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine borrowed $5,000 because she said she was going to nursing school. I happily loaned it to her, but discovered later that she unenrolled several days after classes started. I asked her for the money back, but felt sorry for her because she was not working due to the pandemic.

Fast-forward a year: I have extensive dental work scheduled, so I finally asked her to repay me. I told her I would take payments, but I need a regular time of month, every month. She agreed to pay me back but made no mention of a timeline.

I am not sure how to approach her again. I'm not rich, and she knows it. We even shook hands on the agreement with her telling me she'd pay me back at a date that has now passed. Advice? -- TOO GENEROUS IN OREGON

DEAR TOO GENEROUS: You are learning a very expensive lesson. With "friends" like this woman, you do not need enemies. Do not count on getting any money from her. Find another way to pay for that dental work because, without a repayment agreement IN WRITING, there's no way you can force your "good friend" to do the right thing. Something to keep in mind for the future: Do not give anyone any more money than you can afford to lose.

MoneyEtiquette & EthicsSelf-WorthHealth & SafetyWork & School
life

Teenager Feels Left Out As Mom Travels With Dad

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 31st, 2022 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a senior in high school, and I come from a family that is financially stable but unable to travel often due to time and money constraints. We usually travel only once a year in the summer, and for the most part, we're not able to travel very far or stay for long.

For the past three years, our vacation plans have been on hold due to the pandemic and other concerns. My parents have been on two trips across the country in the past 12 months. I accept that they're a married couple and occasionally want to travel without the rest of their family. However, recently it came to my attention that Mom bought two tickets to Europe for her and Dad as a birthday gift. She used the money she had been saving for a family vacation to pay for them.

I feel betrayed. I was under the impression that we couldn't afford a vacation at this time, or that we were still waiting for the chaos of the pandemic to settle before traveling, but my mother was happy to spend the money on a vacation for her and Dad.

My dad is turning 50, and I understand it's a very special occasion. However, I can't help but wonder why I haven't received so much as a dinner after being accepted into my top college and earning two scholarships. Am I overreacting? If not, how should I address this? -- WANTING A GETAWAY IN NEW YORK

DEAR WANTING: I agree that having been accepted to your top college and having earned two scholarships, your achievement was something to be celebrated. (In reality, the achievement was a reward in itself.) That it was not recognized tells me there must be a lot going on for your folks right now.

While family vacations are wonderful and memorable, so are milestone birthdays such as the one that's approaching for your dad. Your mother should be forgiven for ensuring it will be "extra special." If you feel an itch to travel, if you don't already have one, consider getting a part-time job so you can afford a getaway with friends or a student or church group. Because you are no longer a child, you should talk to your mother about how you feel.

MoneyWork & SchoolMarriage & DivorceHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & ParentingCOVID-19AgingSelf-WorthTeensMental HealthHealth & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Son Berates Parent Over Birthday Email

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 31st, 2022 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My adult son got so furious with me that he called me, yelled vicious things and threatened to cut me out of his life. I've never been spoken to that way before. It was so traumatic that I was shaking after I hung up on him.

What made him so angry was that I didn't thank his mother-in-law for an email she sent wishing me happy birthday. I had received 30 email birthday wishes that day and didn't acknowledge any of them. I would have thanked someone who'd gone to the trouble of calling or sending an actual card. I don't think I behaved improperly, but maybe there's some rule that slipped by me. Your thoughts? -- UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY IN TEXAS

DEAR UNHAPPY: The polite way to deal with email special occasion wishes is to either acknowledge them individually or do an email "blast" thanking everyone for remembering you. To have remained stone silent was ungracious. HOWEVER, for your son to have gone off the deep end, yelled "vicious things" and threatened to cut you out of his life was uncalled for, and whether or not you receive one, you deserve an apology.

AgingAbuseSelf-WorthHealth & SafetyHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & ParentingEtiquette & Ethics

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