DEAR ABBY: I have a wonderful 12-year-old son, "Oliver," who was conceived during a date rape at a work party. I don't remember much about that night. When I found out I was pregnant, I hoped my husband at the time was the father. When the baby came, it was obvious he wasn't, because Oliver is a different race. (I am Caucasian, and I'm thinking Oliver may be Pacific Islander.)

We divorced when Oliver was 2, and my ex had a DNA test, which, of course, proved he was not the father. Despite the findings, after I explained what happened, he offered to be Oliver's "dad" because he had bonded with him -- provided he would not have to pay child support. I agreed. I have two other older sons whom he fathered.

There have been times when Oliver and his brothers have asked about his brown skin, and I have been able to dodge the question. He's getting to an age where I don't think I can hold off much longer.

I always knew the time would come when he would have to know his dad is not his biological father, but I'm not sure what to tell him. I don't think I want him to know he is a product of rape, nor do I want to throw myself under the bus and say I cheated on his dad. That would open up questions about who his bio dad is. Please help. -- LOOKING FOR BEST WAY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR LOOKING: I fail to understand why you would equate "rape" with "cheating." What happened wasn't your fault, and you should feel neither guilt nor shame that it happened. While I understand your desire to protect Oliver, you should tell him the truth. When you do, be sure to emphasize how much you and your ex love him and how proud you are that he is your son.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in the process of building my first house down the street from my parents. (The lot was a good deal.) Recently, my mom told me she wants a key so she and Dad can have access to my house in case of severe weather (we live in tornado country). The layout and foundation of my house are sturdier than theirs. When I told her I didn't want anyone to have a key, she got really offended. It made me feel awful, but Abby, this is my first house, and if I have to give a key to someone when I don't want to, it defeats the purpose of having my own place.

I have been living with my parents to save up, and Mom has used guilt trips against me before. My sister and brother-in-law agree I shouldn't give in to her. I feel like a horrible daughter for refusing because she's not the type to snoop, but there have been instances when I've been in my room and she has entered without knocking. Should I stick to my guns or am I wrong? -- DAUGHTER IN DILEMMA

DEAR DAUGHTER: It strikes me as somewhat pushy that your mother would ask for a key to your home before it is even completed. What have your parents done during previous tornadoes? Because the house symbolizes your independence, I don't think you should hand the key over. It may make sense to have someone you trust be able to enter if you are traveling or have a pet that needs to be walked while you are working. In that event, you may change your mind and see the wisdom in offering her one.

P.S. If she abuses your trust, you can always have your locks changed.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, when I discovered my husband's porn videos and naked pictures of his ex-girlfriends, he assured me he would delete them. It has been a year, and he still hasn't done it. When I mention it, he claims he doesn't look at them and doesn't have time to delete them. I ask him to be honest with me about if he intends to keep them, but he insists he "will" delete them. It makes me believe he has an emotional attachment to these women. How should I continue to deal with this issue? -- HE'S GOT A WIFE NOW

DEAR WIFE: Your husband may be less emotionally attached to the ex-girlfriends than titillated by their pictures. From what you have written, your husband isn't being completely honest with you. And THAT is the issue you should be dealing with, with the help of a licensed counselor, because solid marriages are based on trust, and there can't be trust without honesty.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a front desk clerk at a hotel where a regular guest has stayed for years. We have become acquainted as we're both retired teachers and each have written books. When she told me she could no longer afford to stay at the hotel, I offered her my spare bedroom to use on occasion, and she calls at least once a month to stay here.

My husband is over it. The whole evening revolves around this woman. Since I have gotten to know her better, I have realized she's very self-centered. She barely thanks us for her stay, although we include her in our dinner plans and she eats breakfast here as well. I'm a softy and I have used various excuses to stop this. Any suggestions for me, a coward, to call a halt to her inviting herself to my house for the night? -- SOFTY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SOFTY: Yes. Quit making excuses and tell her almost all of the truth, which is that your husband is "over it" and therefore she will have to make other plans. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a front desk clerk at a hotel where a regular guest has stayed for years. We have become acquainted as we're both retired teachers and each have written books. When she told me she could no longer afford to stay at the hotel, I offered her my spare bedroom to use on occasion, and she calls at least once a month to stay here.

My husband is over it. The whole evening revolves around this woman. Since I have gotten to know her better, I have realized she's very self-centered. She barely thanks us for her stay, although we include her in our dinner plans and she eats breakfast here as well. I'm a softy and I have used various excuses to stop this. Any suggestions for me, a coward, to call a halt to her inviting herself to my house for the night? -- SOFTY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SOFTY: Yes. Quit making excuses and tell her almost all of the truth, which is that your husband is "over it" and therefore she will have to make other plans. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 58-year-old, never-married woman with a 22-year blue-collar career. I own a home and will retire with benefits many people dream of.

I've recently ended a relationship with a man I've known since childhood. I truly love him. The problem is that he had been stealing from me. I confronted him several times, but finally had to involve the police. Now, he has flattened my tires and repeatedly dented my cars.

My question is this: Is there more than one right person for everyone? How long will it take me to recover from a broken heart, if ever? His vandalism and my huge financial loss keep me away from this whack job. How well do you really know anyone? -- DISILLUSIONED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Inform the police that your ex-boyfriend is continuing to retaliate because you reported him. There is no timetable for healing from a broken heart, but take it from me, it does happen. I firmly believe there is more than one "right person" for everyone. You do not truly love him. What you love is the fantasy that he's the only right person for you.

We get to know the significant people in our lives -- both male and female -- by observing them over a long period of time and watching how they treat others. You should not keep your distance from this man only because of his vandalism and the money he has cost you, but also because he has anger problems he seems unable to control. Surely those character flaws showed themselves before he started acting out on you. Think back on the little things you may have chosen to ignore, and you may recognize that I'm right.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I married as teenagers 40 years ago. Our children are adults, and most people consider us a perfect couple. My wife has had several affairs over the years, some she has admitted to and others I have stumbled across. For the most part, they have been physical only, with no emotional attachment. Twenty years ago she had a passionate affair with a younger man. It ended when he broke it off to be with someone else. I didn't know about it at the time.

A year ago, she found out he's single again and invited him back into her life. Now, she's openly seeing him. She's telling me they are "just friends" and she "needs his company because only he understands her." I believe if he had a better job and financial outlook, she would leave me in a minute.

I can't stand the thought of losing the love of my life, but I also can't keep living with her knowing I play second fiddle in her heart. She refuses counseling because she doesn't see this as a problem. Should I give her more time (a year already) or file for divorce? -- CONFUSED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CONFUSED: You have given your wife enough time to come to her senses. You state that she refuses counseling and you believe she would leave you in a minute if he made more money. That means she is staying with you only because of the lifestyle you provide. I do think there should be some counseling -- for you. It will provide insight and emotional support as you contemplate divorce.