DEAR ABBY: For more than 20 years, my mother-in-law has shown blatant favoritism toward my husband's younger brother. Several people, including her own mother and my father-in-law, have tried to discuss it with her, but she refuses. My husband has accepted that there is nothing he can do to change her behavior.

Abby, she has recently, on the rare occasions we see her (once every three to four years), started making snide comments, implying she's "concerned," regarding the intellect of our children, one of whom is in an AP program.

While my husband accepts her lack of love for him and would never cease contact with her, I find her difficult to be around because she is just plain cruel. I would like to discourage her from visiting us in the future. Am I wrong to feel as I do? -- PROUD WIFE AND MOM

DEAR PROUD: No. By all means keep your mother-in-law away from the grandchildren, because even though she sees them rarely, she'll likely find some way to make them feel "less than." If you thought someone was tainting their food, you wouldn't stand by and watch. Well, the same is true if someone is attempting to lower their self-esteem with snide comments.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 35 years. Five years ago, he lost the ability to perform sexually. I admit it hasn't been a priority since I've gotten older and have some health issues. We have figured out other ways to enjoy each other. The problem is, he makes ugly comments about our lack of intimacy as if it's my fault he can't perform. The comments are hurtful and cause me to not want to do anything.

It seems he can turn any remark I make about something into one about sex, and my feelings are often hurt. One minute he's saying how he wouldn't change anything about our life together, and the next he's saying something mean. I'm at a loss about what to do. It's almost like he's two different people. I dread nighttime because that's when it starts. Any ideas? -- EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your husband may be embarrassed, angry and frustrated that he can no longer perform, and he's projecting all of that onto you. He could also be starting to "lose it." I assume you have expressed to him how hurtful his remarks are. Now it's time to discuss this with your family physician, who knows your husband better than I do.

DEAR ABBY: Under what circumstances is it socially acceptable to read a stranger's tattoo? I often admire the beautiful artwork, and one can appreciate that with a quick glance. But nowadays, I often encounter people tattooed with a phrase, a quote or even a whole paragraph on their body. Is it rude to stop, stare and read the tattoo? Should I first ask permission? -- INTRIGUED IN ST. LOUIS, MO.

DEAR INTRIGUED: When in doubt, ALWAYS ask permission before ogling. If you don't, your admiration could be misconstrued, which could get you in trouble, depending upon where the tattoo is located.

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: At sundown, it is time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr, everyone. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, I offered to help a longtime friend with some landscaping. The area to be landscaped is tiny. I was concerned a professional landscaper would overcharge her. She contacted a landscaper anyway -- not to hire him, but to pick his brain.

When he arrived, it was obvious he didn't want the job, and she didn't offer it to him. She took me up on my offer. She then procrastinated for a couple of months, during which time I got busy on other projects. But I carved out time for her, and we sat down to look at her project. She confessed she had no experience with landscaping and plant selection, and she needed my help with that, too.

After she pooh-poohed the most viable suggestions I offered, we proceeded to look at plants -- LOTS of plants -- none of which she liked. After a few frustrating hours, she mentioned she'd just plant what she had originally thought about planting. I told her if she did that, she did not need my help. She told me I needed to be more patient, and had she known I wouldn't help her she would have hired the landscaper after all. (It wasn't true. She never had any intention of hiring him.)

I told her she needed to be more decisive, and even though she had told me she needed my experience, she wasn't accepting of it. She also couldn't see that she had wasted hours of my time. We've barely spoken since. So, am I in the wrong here? -- GREEN THUMB IN TEXAS

DEAR GREEN THUMB: No, you are not in the wrong. No good deed goes unpunished. Consider yourself lucky that you have barely spoken since. And then do not broach the subject again unless you want to experience more frustration.

DEAR ABBY: I am the activities director at a nursing/rehabilitation home in Montana. My residents and I want you to know how much we enjoy your column. We read it every day and discuss what kind of advice we would give to your letter writers. Your column is a highlight of our afternoons.

We would also like to remind your readers that there are plenty of homes like ours, filled with people like us. We would appreciate and benefit from being acknowledged by our communities, not just during holidays, but all year long. These homes are full of your grandparents, parents and other family members and friends. Our community has always been loving and supportive toward us. We hope homes in other locations are as fortunate as we are.

Thank you for your column. We look forward to more! -- FAITHFUL RESIDENT, DEER LODGE, MT

DEAR RESIDENT: Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful letter. I'm pleased your residents enjoy support from the good citizens of your community; it says nice things about the folks in Montana. I know my column is discussed around many breakfast tables and water coolers because it's a sure-fire conversation generator. That's the reason it is popular in many nursing homes and rehab facilities.

I hope more readers will find time to visit the residents in these homes, not only for the joy it will bring to them, but also to avail yourselves of the wealth of experience these individuals have acquired during their long lifetimes. While visitors are plentiful during the holidays, they are very quiet at other times.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow in a new relationship. I was molested for years by an older sibling. When my behavior became troublesome -- skipping school, becoming antisocial -- I was sent to a reform school for several years. The sibling was sent into the army.

When I was released from the school, I drifted into worse relationships and into the sex trade. I got out of that after six months. I've always felt like a "good girl," but the past haunts me. I used to talk about the abuse constantly. It was always in the back of my mind. It still pops up on a regular basis, but I have not told my new partner.

A friend once told me that people don't need to know everything about you, and I believe that. Some folks blamed me for the abuse, although it started before I was 8. Sometimes I feel I should tell my partner, as it does affect my behavior -- I have low self-esteem, etc. I've had counseling, but it didn't help me. When I confronted my abuser years later, he told me it was my problem.

Do I need to share this to be completely honest about who I am? I have never felt "normal." It's as if I'm carrying a dreaded secret. Any advice? -- GOOD GIRL IN WASHINGTON

DEAR GOOD GIRL: What you suffered as a child was not your fault. You needed counseling then, not blame. Because you didn't receive it at that time, it isn't surprising your problems followed you wherever you went.

Not knowing your partner, I cannot decide for you whether you should reveal your history to him. I can, however, strongly recommend that you contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). When you do, you will be talking with a trained counselor who can guide you. Nothing you confide will be a shock to that person, and you may be put in touch with help in your local area.

The RAINN website is rainn.org and its toll-free phone number is 800-656-4673. Please don't wait to reach out. Everything is confidential.

DEAR ABBY: My close friend, "Lizzy," broke up with her boyfriend six weeks ago. At first, she was very depressed about it, but she has gradually gotten over him. A few days ago, Lizzy's ex-boyfriend asked me out. I really wanted to say yes, but I decided to ask her first if it was OK. When I did, she flipped out and told me she wouldn't be my friend anymore if I did. I've known Lizzy for four years, and I don't want to lose her friendship.

A day later, I found out from another friend of mine that Lizzy was dating my twin brother. She never asked me if I was OK with that, let alone informed me that they had feelings for each other. Does this give me the right to date Lizzy's ex? -- BREAKING GIRL CODE IN ALABAMA

DEAR BREAKING: I think so. But don't do it without first clearing the air with her, because if things work out with your twin brother, you are likely to be seeing a lot of Lizzy in the future.