DEAR ABBY: I'm the mother of a 36-year-old daughter. She claims I treat her younger brothers better than I treat her. I am a recovering addict -- clean for 20-plus years. I was in active addiction for nine years when she was a teenager, and she has never let that go. She constantly tells me how "unfair" I am, that I never make time for her and that I don't validate her feelings.
I have apologized many times and tried to show her I don't treat her siblings differently. I schedule "us" time, but this is an ongoing battle, and I'm at a loss about how to fix it. How do I show her there's no difference in the way I treat any of them? How do I reassure her that her feelings are validated? This has caused me many tearful nights. -- WANTING SERENITY BACK
DEAR WANTING: Your daughter's sense of deprivation has probably caused her many tearful nights as well. Your years of active addiction kept her from having the mother she needed as a teen. I'm sorry to say that it may have created an emptiness in her you may not be able to fill. You can't "fix" her anger and feelings of deprivation, but that doesn't mean she can't do it herself. It may involve her joining a 12-step program, or seeking emotional counseling -- if she's willing -- but until she finds a way to stop trying to punish you, she will remain stuck in her anger and jealousy.