DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My grandpa and grandma were not very educated or kind people. They were also blinded by bigotry and would toss around slurs about anyone who wasn’t just like them, even in public.
Unfortunately, my father picked up a lot of their hating habits. At least, he keeps his mouth shut when he is in public, but when it’s just the family he says whatever he wants, and some of it is horrible, and I am ashamed of him. He works with a lot of different people and he will dis them because of their race, or religion, or whatever else he doesn’t like about them. We have had huge fights about it and I went so far as to tell him I just can’t be around him anymore because of how he thinks and talks about other people. It’s just plain ignorant and has no place in the world as I see it.
Do I even bother trying and convert him, or just let him do his thing and cut him off altogether? --- DAUGHTER OF A HATER
DEAR DAUGHTER OF A HATER: It’s sad your father continues to hold onto his parents’ points of view. Given he’s had years to change his thinking if he were so inclined, your attempts to get him to see things differently may not have a very good chance of success.
Cutting him off is a drastic step. It might even play out as fighting intolerance with intolerance. You don’t need to engage him whenever you’re together. Instead, you can set your own example of live and let live by shutting down his bigotry as soon as he gets started. You could lay down the law that the price of your being with him is to find neutral topics that are open to less emotional discussion.
If that doesn’t work, then for your own sake, it may be better to limit your time around your dad for a while, and see if he gets the point that you’re serious about not putting up with his blind hatred of those unlike himself.