Grandparents Can't Face Summer Visit by Obnoxious Grandkids

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have three grown children and nine grandchildren, including step-grands. My middle son married a woman with two children. Then they had three more. Their ages range from 5 up to 13.

All our middle son’s children are horribly behaved. My husband and I do not like to visit their home because it is filthy and the living room is a battleground of dumped out toys. The children jump off chairs onto the floor or onto tables. They eat where they want and wipe their fingers on the couches.

They are super-picky and mostly my daughter-in-law gets them food from McDonald’s or Taco Bell. If she serves them something they don’t want, they get straight up and throw it in the trash. They yell, they fight and hit each other, and they constantly interrupt.

Their mom refuses to discipline them in any way. My son is at least complacent in all of this. When we visit, none of them show any interest in seeing us. The older kids stay in their rooms playing video games and the younger ones stay in their room watching cartoons. We perch on the edge of our seats and try not to get sticky.

The 5-year-old is not yet potty trained and will go get a diaper and take it to his mom when he poops. He is in kindergarten and does not do that at school.

Our son is complaining that we never visit and states that we like our other grandchildren better. We don’t want to hurt his feelings, but both of my other children have decently behaved children with appropriate manners, and they seem to enjoy our presence and are delighted to see us.

We have taken all the grands places like the zoo or the water park, but on every occasion, those five were so ill-behaved that we can’t imagine taking them without the parents.

Now that summer is approaching, my other grandchildren have expressed a desire to stay with us for a week or two. We don’t think that we can handle those five wild ones. Once my son hears that the others are coming, he will demand we take his too. His two oldest may be off with their fathers during the summer, but he will want to send the 5-year-old and twin 8-year-olds. My other grandchildren are in this age range, but as I said, they are much better behaved.

How should I respond when he asks? --- FRAZZLED GRANDMA

DEAR FRAZZLED GRANDMA: It seems like it’s time you leveled with your son. He needs to know his children are out of control, and that you’re not willing to subject yourself or your home to their reign of terror, especially since they don’t seem to have much, if any, affection for you. I’d avoid comparing his kids to their cousins, but just because he’s complacent about how his children behave, doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it.

However, before completely ruling out having the kids to your house during the summer, you might consider making a little experiment or two to see how they’d behave for you without their parents present. You could offer to take just the kids out to eat somewhere other than their favorite fast food joints. Set down rules for what you expect of them, and the consequences of their failing to meet those expectations — and stick to your program. If they can’t behave for an hour or two under your supervision, it’s not reasonable to expect they’d do any better in your home. Share the results of any dry runs with your son, and if they prove to do better when Mom and Dad aren’t around for them to perform for, then maybe, just maybe, a short summer visit wouldn’t be so bad.

Neighbor Doesn't Return Toys that Go Over His Fence

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I’m at home with our kids, which means most days their friends congregate at our house. Our yard is separated from our neighbor’s by a chain-link fence. More than once, one of the kids’ balls or other tossing toys have gone over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. When one of the kids goes over to his front door and asks for the toy back, our neighbor laughs and says something stupid like, “Finders-keepers.” I hate it, but put up with it better if it’s one of our own kids’ toys, but it’s also happened with their friends’ toys and we have to tell their parents we can’t get their kids’ toys back. Even when we adults have tried, we get the same treatment as the kids.

What can we do to get this man to give the stuff back? Our kids keep begging to hop the fence when he’s out, but we’ve absolutely nixed that, which gets them even angrier, since we can see everything just lying there. --- JUST WANT THE TOYS BACK

DEAR JUST WANT THE TOYS BACK: Legally, he’s likely in the right, even if he’s being a creep. You could try contacting the non-emergency or community service police to see if they can help. An HOA, if available, might also work as a mediator; but since direct, hopefully rational, appeal hasn’t worked yet, you might just want to have your kids play games that don’t involve tossing anything above the fence level when they’re in your back yard.

Parents Feel Source of Son's Cash Is Dubious

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Our son works at a bar with a sort of iffy reputation. The word has always been it’s run by a local mob family. Given that the place has been closed for all but limited carryout since March, we can’t understand where our son is getting the cash he seems to always have on hand when he only works a few hours a week. My wife and I can’t help but wonder if he is doing some “side jobs” for the bar’s owners, and if so, what trouble he may find himself in down the road.

Do we share our theory with him, or just let it go and hope things get back to the way they were before? --- CONCERNED ABOUT OUR SON

DEAR CONCERNED ABOUT OUR SON: It’s possible the owners of the bar have continued paying their staff something for as long as they’re able. Generous tips on carryout service could also be a consideration. However, as concerned parents, while you may not have a right to pry into your adult son’s affairs, you can share your thoughts with him. He may laugh it off, get angry, or take it seriously, but at least he’ll know you care enough to ask.