DEAR NATALIE: My wife and I have been together for six years. In that time, we have talked about bringing another woman into our bed but we’ve never acted on it. Well, she went out of town this past weekend with some friends on a girls’ trip. While away, her friend texted me and said that she was being “flirty” with some woman she met. I wasn’t worried about her flirting. Then, her friend sent me pictures of my wife making out with (I’m assuming) the same woman. She told me that my wife “never came back to the hotel room that night.” Since my wife has been home, she hasn’t said a word to me about this. I asked her how the trip was. She said it was “fun.” Apparently, it was a lot of fun. I’m not going to divorce her over this, but I do feel as though I should know what happened. It’s the lying that is causing me to feel angry with her. Should I confront her? This, of course, means throwing her friend under the bus. Any ideas? –ANNOYED HUSBAND
DEAR ANNOYED HUSBAND: Two things stood out to me while reading this. 1. How quickly her friend “tattled” on her. 2. How nonchalant your wife acted about the whole thing. This probably isn’t the first time she has kissed-and-not-told. However, if you keep this bottled up, it will only create resentment in your marriage, breed suspicion and increase emotional distance. While you may feel as though you are throwing your wife’s friend under the bus, she did send you texts and photos. Try approaching your wife like this: “I know you said that you had ‘fun’ this weekend with your friends. Your friend (insert her name here) seemed to imply that you had a LOT of fun. I’m not mad, but I’m hurt that you are hiding things from me. I just want you to be honest with me and then we can work through it. I love you. This distance between us will only grow if you don’t share with me what is happening.” See what she says in response. If she becomes defensive and refuses to give any information, you can either press harder, mentioning what her friend said to you specifically – or drop it. If you press harder, be prepared to have to confront what is going on with her. If you drop it, be prepared to feel some level of resentment towards her. I don’t recommend that path because it will build over time. You have every right to feel loved and respected in your relationship. You are allowed to be upset and you are allowed to share how you feel. You also need clear boundaries to establish what you consider cheating and what she considers cheating. You may not be on the same page. I hope you can work it out.
DEAR NATALIE: My daughter-in-law isn’t exactly the most thoughtful person on the planet. She forgot my birthday this year, even though it was a milestone. I turned 60 and my other children all gathered for dinner at a restaurant. My son and my daughter-in-law showed up late. Without a present. Without an apology. She said they were “running around all day with the kids.” Well, all my kids have kids. I feel as though she brings out the most selfish, inconsiderate side to my son. It angers me. Should I say something to her or hold it in? I feel like if I hold it in I will explode. I’m just tired of her rude behavior. Any suggestions on how to deal with her in a way that doesn’t push her or my son away? -MOM ISN’T HAPPY
DEAR MOM ISN’T HAPPY: I’m so sorry that your daughter-in-law and son weren’t very considerate towards you on your birthday. It can be so frustrating when you see bad behavior and feel as though you can’t call it out – especially when it is your own kids. Now that the smoke has cleared, you may want to call her. Let her know that you were hurt by her and your son for not showing up on time or apologizing. They may have been preoccupied, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt your feelings. You are allowed to be upset and you are allowed to express that. Then, drop it and move on. Holding a grudge or letting it fester won’t do anyone any good. Speak your mind and hope they learn for the future.
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