DEAR NATALIE: I am engaged to be married to the love of my life. I went to try on wedding gowns the other day with my sister and mother, and they both commented that the dresses would look better on me if I lost about 30 pounds. The salesperson was shocked and comforted me in the dressing room because I was near tears. I have already worked hard to lose 70 pounds and have struggled with weight my whole life. I was feeling really good going into that experience and was excited to see what I looked like in those gowns. My fiancé has never commented negatively on my body and said that “he loves me at any size” but now I feel as though everyone will be judging me at my wedding unless I slim down further. I was so distraught that I asked my mother and sister to take me home directly after our shopping trip, instead of the dinner we had planned. I did not buy a dress. My best friend said that I should go back alone or with her and just forget how my family treated me. I think if I do that, they will be really offended that I went without them. They don’t understand what it is like being the “fat one” in the family. I don’t even want to have a wedding now, I feel so embarrassed. Should I go back alone or should I just cancel the wedding and elope? - EMBARRASSED BRIDE
DEAR EMBARRASSED BRIDE: I am so sorry that what should have been a beautiful day was tarnished by unnecessary and hurtful comments from people you love. Familial dynamics can be so complex, and while you care about your sister and your mother, they both need to apologize to you. You shouldn’t have to cancel your wedding or elope because of their cruelty. Instead, I would try dress shopping again with your friend who clearly loves and supports you. Perhaps go to a different bridal shop if there is one close enough to you to start over. Have you talked to your fiancé about what happened? How does he feel about eloping? Do you really want to do that or is that because of this incident? If you are afraid or uncomfortable in confronting them about what happened, you can always write letters and mail them. Sometimes, it is easier to write out what you need to say without the fear of being gaslit or interrupted. This is your day, your moment and your wedding. You deserve to feel like the beautiful bride that you are. Please don’t allow them to take root inside your spirit. Turn to a counselor if you need support. Get it out, and don’t forget how far you have come in your personal health journey. They had no right to speak to you in the way that they did. If they wonder why you found a dress without them, let them know. It is shameful how they behaved and I hope you are able to have the day you want – even if it means isolating them.
DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and I live together and usually we give each other a “heads up” if we are bringing home someone for the night. Well, she didn’t do that the other night. The next morning, I was having breakfast in our shared kitchen space and out walked her “friend” from the night before. Who I know. Who is married to our mutual friend. He looked really shocked to see me. He made up some excuse and ran out of the apartment so fast that I had to really check myself that I wasn’t imagining things. I haven’t brought it up to her yet, but I’m sure he told her. She has been avoiding me, which makes me think she knows that I know. I don’t know what I am supposed to do or say. I am disappointed in her and him. I am angry with them both. I don’t know what my responsibility is in this situation to my friend that he cheated on. Any ideas on how to navigate this? No matter what I do, I feel like it is the wrong thing. -NO WINNING
DEAR NO WINNING: This is quite a predicament. Normally, I would say “just stay out of it” but they brought it into your kitchen, so it makes it harder to do that. If his wife finds out that you knew, she is going to be upset. Before you do anything, talk to your best friend and find out what is going on. She can’t avoid you forever and she should not have put you in this situation. If you get an answer out of her, then you need to decide what to do. While you may feel inclined to protect her, you may also feel sympathy and loyalty to your friend who was cheated on, as well. The reality is, this falls on him to address. He needs to either stop seeing your best friend and clean up his act, or he needs to end things with his wife. If he can’t do that – and continues to pop up in your kitchen – you may have to take a different approach. But for now, let him clean up his own mess.
Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to
asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter
@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci
Check out her web series:
“Heating Up Show” on YouTube.