DEAR NATALIE: My two best friends are divorcing. I have known both of them for over 20 years and they are like family to me. They haven’t said it in so many words, but I know they are wondering whose side I’ll take. The truth of it is, they are both headstrong, stubborn men who have their reasons for separating. The reality is, I don’t want to pick between them and don’t feel as though it is fair for me to do so. Whenever I hang out with one of them, they ask about the other and want details. I feel stuck in the middle. How do I keep them both in my life and help us all get through this rough patch? –MIDDLEMAN
DEAR MIDDLEMAN: Taking sides in a divorce is a time-honored tradition that I am glad to see you trying to break. While it can be hard to walk the middle line, if no one did anything reprehensible to the other (like abusive behaviors or cheating), then I don’t see why you have to choose. However, you can’t lie about the fact that you are staying friends, either. I recommend that the next time you are with one of them and they bring the other up in conversation, you simply say this: “I am so sorry that your relationship ended. I love you both and I am here for you both. But, I want you to know that I plan on staying in contact with (insert their name here) and I don’t want to talk about them with you. I don’t want to upset you or them. I won’t talk about you to them, either.” Leave it at that and see what they say. They may be taken aback by your honesty. They may be angry. However, setting a clear boundary is necessary if you want to try and remain friends with both of them. You also have to recognize that one of them may not be OK with you being friends with their ex. Divorces are messy and painful. If someone needs space and time to process it, let them have what they need. Time does heal and they may come around eventually.
DEAR NATALIE: My sister and I had a bad falling out over the last election and it only got worse during the pandemic. We haven’t spoken in almost a year. I just found out that her daughter (my 17-year-old niece) has become really ill with Covid-19 and I want to reach out. She won’t speak to me because my family is vaccinated and boosted. I am still very angry with my sister for how she has handled everything, but I love her and my niece. I want to be there for them. Is there anything I can do to thaw the ice? It’s hard when your world views are completely polar opposite. —MISS MY SIS
DEAR MISS MY SIS: I am so sorry to hear that your niece is suffering with this brutal disease. It is completely understandable that you want to be there for her and for your sister. What has weighed heavily on my heart for the last several years is how we have become so bitterly divisive and have forgotten our common humanity. I truly believe that we all want basically the same things, but we don’t always know how to speak to those ideas in a way that others can understand. I recommend that you speak from your heart to your sister. Let her know that you love her, you miss her and that you want to be there for her during this difficult time. If she feels the same, hopefully you can find a way forward. It may not be as it was before, but even a small connection to start can deepen and strengthen your relationship. Try not to engage in conversations that involve politics – which I know is a tall order. Tolerance is needed here, as is love. I hope that you are able to mend things with her enough so that you can provide support to your niece.
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