DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, a couple years ago I sent you a letter about how to be more vulnerable and open up to others. This is my update on that, with a follow-up question.

Your advice was helpful, and over time, I did largely achieve it. Friendships are better, and I became a trusted and well liked figure among friends in and out of work, with many even opening up to me more with some of their own vulnerabilities. Not just listening, but making people feel heard and understood, was the key. That front has turned out well.

I had also mentioned a cute new hire I was interested in; ironically enough (not in the fun way), not long after that letter, things had gotten hectic at work with very few physical opportunities for us to talk. We rarely saw each other, or even were in the same area; and while I did work to make our limited interactions count, we didn’t start talking more regularly until late last year/early this one.

From there, we hit it off really well, and grew close as we got to know each other. She has a lot of the personality traits I like in a woman, and I developed deeper feelings. It seemed she was interested too, so I asked her out recently. She didn’t feel the same way, but I accepted it with dignity, and we are still good friends.

The spectrum-dweller hindsight in me of course went over the main things I did wrong. I still don’t know how to flirt (or otherwise escalate a conversation/relationship beyond the platonic realm). And I know that’s very tricky to do well in the work environment, but there were times where she and I would meet with work friends outside the office, and I could have done so there if I knew how. I’ve also developed a low-key confidence that’s been great for my mental health overall, but has had no effect on my dating life, as it’s not the more overt sort that most people consider attractive.

So, here’s my new question: how do I become more bold? Both in everyday encounters, and when interacting with women I’m interested in?

I do want to clarify that I will need specific steps/practices that I can adapt to my natural style. It’s hard to find advice on this topic this isn’t generic and useless – i.e. “just practice flirting,” “just practice your social skills,” “just practice being confident/bold.” It’s like a chemist asking you to hand her the nitric acid, when none of the test tubes are labeled, and all their contents seem to be the same. The “advice” assumes you already know how to do it well, and tells to just keep doing it, when you have no clue of where Square One even is. And I know you like to go in-depth with this sort of topic.

Because despite the social success I’ve had, it hasn’t reached the point of building attraction in others. I’m lacking that bit of edge, of fire, of spirit that sparks it. The thing that puts one on the list of potential dating/sex partners. And developing this boldness can help avoid missing opportunities, like with the friend I asked out.

And yes, I know her feelings may change down the line, especially if I do become more bold; but, I’m obviously not expecting it. I can, however, cultivate the skills needed for future prospects.

Please and thank you,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Memelord Returns

DEAR YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD MEMELORD RETURNS: Right off the bat, I’ll remind you what I’ve said about flirting, over and over again: it’s simply the act of letting someone know you like them in a fun and charming way. There’re as many ways to flirt as there are people because there’re an almost infinite number of ways to flirt from being direct to being coy, being as overt and aggressive as Pepe Le Pew asking someone to come wiz him to ze Casbah, to someone being adorkable as they stammer their way towards asking someone out on a date. Part of learning how to flirt is learning what style of flirting resonates best with your personality and the people you’re most interested in. Not everyone is going to be into semi-antagonistic bantering back and forth, just as not everyone is going to be into being incredibly direct and forthright. You can look at examples of how other people flirt and try them out for size (and I recommend it, especially while you’re figuring your own style out), but at the end of the day, your flirting style is going to be unique to you.

Similarly, you’re dealing with a fundamental misunderstanding about what being bold is. Being bold isn’t about a series of steps, it’s a mindset. Boldness is, put simply, the state of not being afraid of the potential consequences of those actions. To give an example from Star Wars, when Princess Leia says “Darth Vader, only you could be so bold…”, she’s commenting on the fact that Vader has done something that many would see as reckless, even foolish: attacking a counselor’s ship on a diplomatic mission, something that would presumably result in negative consequences for him when the Imperial Senate hears about it.

Vader, being a Sith Lord, could not give less of a f--k. Leaving aside that he knows for a fact that the plans are on the Tantive IV,  Vader is power personified and feels (correctly, in this case) that there is nobody in the Empire who has the power to overrule him or enforce consequences. Neither Palpatine nor Tarkin are going to disagree with his actions, after all. 

Hell, on a meta level, George Lucas making Star Wars in the first place was a bold decision. He not only was making a high-budget sci-fi film in a time when sci-fi films weren’t big money makers, he did so while also choosing to hold onto the licensing rights in lieu of a higher share of the profits. That’s a pretty big swing and a bold decision to make, and one that clearly paid off for him… but it was a very big risk to take. 

This is why the process of becoming bolder is, quite simply, the process of not being so afraid of the potential negative outcomes of a particular action, or deciding that the positive outcomes are either more likely if you take this action or that they outweigh the potential negative consequences.

Being bold in a dating or flirting context would mean taking risks and making bigger swings than other folks would. This doesn’t mean that the risks are always real, mind you, just perceived. Being bold might, for example, mean confidently asking out the most popular girl in school even if you’re not one of The Cool Kids. Or shooting your shot with someone who is supposedly “out of your league”. Or going over to chat someone up even though there’re three other guys already talking to her.

The theoretical risks are myriad. You might get laughed at. Bullies at school might decide to punish you for your presumption. Those other guys might get upset and violent at your trying to horn in on their action. Or nothing might happen; you get no reaction at all or the entire conversation never goes beyond initial pleasantries. Or you might get that sexy somebody’s phone number… and that would be well worth the risk.

This is why there’s no step-by-step instruction manual for being bolder and why people who tell you to practice it aren’t just giving you the run around. You practice being bolder the same way you practice flirting or the same way you practice making goals in soccer or shooting baskets in basketball: you perform that particular skill, over and over again. If you’re practicing soccer, you’re doing the actions that you would perform when you play soccer – dribbling, passing, shooting, working with your teammates and so on. When you practice flirting, you flirt with people. You may not be flirting with intent – that is, you’re not angling for a date or to get their number or their WhatsApp profile – but you are flirting. When you want to practice being bold, you take bold actions instead of taking safe or less risky ones.

And this is important, because being bold is a choice you decide to make each time the opportunity arises. It’s not about taking the longshot every time, it’s about simply deciding in each instance whether this is a time to go for broke or not. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Someone who’s bold may make the call to take the big swing more often than not, but they don’t do it every time. They weigh their odds and make their decision in the moment. Do you take the risk – either under the assumption that the odds are in your favor or under the assumption that failure would cost you less than what success might bring? Or do you play it safer, mitigate the risks but at the cost of potentially missing out on the greater reward? Is this the right time to make that play, or is it better to wait?

Part of what makes it practice is that your goal is to learn, not necessarily to succeed. When you’re doing passing drills in sports, you’re doing so to develop the skill to the point of muscle memory; moving from conscious incompetence to conscious competence to unconscious competence. If you have issues getting the ball to the right person, you figure out what mistakes you’re making and work on correcting them. When you practice flirting, part of what you’re doing is figuring out what works for you, what doesn’t, and why. Is it not working because it’s something that you’re doing wrong, or is it because it’s not congruent with who you are? Is it something you said or is it just that this isn’t the right person? When you practice being bold, you’re figuring out how accurately you measure risk, how well you gauge your skill vs. that risk and whether those risks are worth the reward.

Please notice carefully, however, that I don’t say anything about success or failure. Being bold isn’t about success, it’s about the attempt. You can be bold and still fail, just as you can play it safe and possibly succeed. It’s just a question of whether you’re willing to make a bigger swing and take a higher level of risk for that reward.  

So if you want to be bolder, the answer is to be bolder. To take shots that others might not, to take bigger swings that might not work out, in the name of a better outcome than you would get by being more measured or more careful or more restrained. To be bold is to be comfortable with risk and with the potential of failure. That only comes about by actually doing it and not letting failure rattle you.

So take some bigger swings and see what happens. If you fail, what can you learn from that failure? If you succeed, is that success replicable, or was it luck? Did you read the room accurately or did you fall on your face and are you willing to try again? Was the outcome worth the effort, or was this an area where making a bold move was a poorer choice? The more confident you become in your decisions and in yourself, the more often you’ll feel empowered to make a bold choice and take that risk.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hey Doc, so I feel like I waste years basically doing useless crap. I went to college for essentially visual arts (the only “skill” I’ve had) and even then I doubt my skills aren’t that good compared to other fellow artists who entered more advanced sophisticated programs like animation and illustration, where I tried to enter and failed miserably by submitting the necessary portfolio. Said rejection hurts so much it just made me never want to pursue any career in the arts because deep down a part of me knows he’s not good enough and those two rejections are proof of that.

Now that I’ve essentially spent 4 years of my life getting stressed and depressed for essentially a worthless degree and debt. Now I’m working menial minimum wage jobs that frankly just souls sucking and tiresome (Line cook, waiter, bartender, cleaner, barista, etc.), jobs that require no talent and easily replaceable, essentially for high schoolers or high school graduates and only requires doing the bare minimum of skills and like you yourself said YOU DONT GET COOKIES FOR DOING THE BARE MINIMUM.

Now Essentially feeling the sting of regret not just because I got my worthless degree with worthless skills but because my friends and colleagues are pursuing actual careers that actual get good pay because they have useful skills. Mostly union jobs mostly tradesmen like welders, construction workers, plumbers, truck drivers, carpenters, nurses, firefighters, engineers etc.. Real jobs doing real work that’s actually valued by other people and society. It makes me turn both red and green knowing that I wasted so many years on something so worthless. There is a small part of that still thinks I can get a career doing art work IE Tattoo artists but it just feels like cope or delusions and I’m scared to pursue it because it’s gonna open of the scar of rejection.

What do I do? How I stop feeling so worthless and actually amount to something? Stop feeling like in beneath my colleagues and move forward without being delusional?

Sincerely,

Worthless Wagie

DEAR WORTHLESS WAGIE: Hoo kay, there’s a lot to unpack here my guy, but I think you’re probably gonna want to just throw the whole suitcase away.  

A lot of this is coming down to matters of perspective and how you choose to see the world. You’re choosing to see things in a very narrow, very limited way and in ways where you’re allowing your frustration to cloud your judgement.

I’ll start with an easy one: you’re misunderstanding the point of “you don’t get cookies for the bare minimum”. That’s not about so-called “unskilled jobs” (which is just a classist idea that’s more about what jobs are ‘important’; try running a fryolator with no training), it’s about people who think Not Being The Worst is something that makes them dateable. Being “a nice guy” isn’t a value add, it’s “yes, we expect that from someone we would want to date”, much as “doesn’t explode when you start the engine” or “doesn’t electrocute you if you touch the exterior” are baseline expectations for a car.

Unless you’re buying a Cybertruck, anyway.

So maybe you shouldn’t be using that to punch yourself in the nuts.

But speaking of nut punching, the real place to start, I suspect, is to tell you that you give up way too easily and way too quickly and I’m wondering how much research you’ve done in terms of careers in any creative medium.

I’m going to be painfully blunt here: if two rejections are enough to wreck your entire world, then you really aren’t ready for life in creative fields like writing, illustration, filmmaking etc. Anyone who’s made a go of it as a professional artist is both laughing and shaking their heads in rueful remembrance because, frankly, two rejections is, quite literally, nothing. One of the most common cliches when it comes to anyone trying to make it in a creative field is the comment about being able to wallpaper their house with rejection notices… and it’s a cliché because it’s true. Trying to get published, trying to get acting roles, get your screenplay out of the slush pile, get your film made, even getting into art programs means getting very comfortable with the idea of rejection and getting rejected constantly. I would say it’s part of paying your dues, except that implies that there’s a fixed number where, after you’ve passed it, you no longer risk getting rejected again and that’s not the case at all. It’s simply this: every field has it’s gatekeepers, and getting past them is often as much about luck as it is about talent.

And yes, I understand that this sounds elitist and exclusionary – and to a limited extent, it can be – but at its core, it’s simply about limited resources. No publisher, no agency, no production company or art program has unlimited resources, able to accept all and sundry who might want to take part. Every art program has a limited number of spaces for students; every publisher has a finite amount of money, personnel and room in the publishing schedule; every gallery only has so much room. Someone is going to be in charge of deciding who does or doesn’t get one of those openings, and they’re going to have criteria for what does or doesn’t make a good fit for them. That criteria is going to vary – whether they think it’ll make money (or enough money), whether they think that person is the right fit for the course and so on.

But here’s the thing: that acceptance or rejection doesn’t mean that they’re right, that what they accept is objectively good or what they reject is objectively bad. I mean, someone greenlit Gigli. Someone said yes to the Borderlands movie. Someone decided that it was a good idea to give Ben Shapiro a platform. Meanwhile, Stephen King was rejected by 30 publishers before Doubleday gave Carrie a shot, and Louisa May Alcott was told to stick to teaching because she sure as hell couldn’t write. Van Gough died in poverty and obscurity, an artist who was seen by the art world as being one of the most mediocre painters of all time. Hell, she may have descended into TERF madness, but nobody can deny the vice grip that JK Rowling’s books have had on pop culture… which is why her story of being rejected for years before anyone picked up Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone is the stuff of publishing legend.

This is why luck is as much of a part of success in creative fields as talent; someone has to be see your potential and be willing to take a chance on you. It just means that someone in the decision making process made a call based on their opinion and judgement… and that means that it’s all down to what one person or a small group of people think.

The fact that other people don’t see it or don’t want to take that chance doesn’t mean you’re The Worst. It’s just, like, someone’s opinion, man.

This is why part of success is simply not giving up in the face of obstacles and why knowing how to handle rejection or failure are critical to improving. OK, you got rejected… so now what are you going to do? You can give up, sure. Or you can decide to apply elsewhere. Or you can say “OK, so what about my work wasn’t to their liking and what can I do about it?” Then you can apply those lessons and try again. Or you might say “well, this didn’t, so I’ll put this one aside and try again with a different project.”

Sometimes the answer is “ok, I’m not ready yet, I’ll go work on my skills and try again”. Other times the answer is “well f--k you, I’ll find someone who does get it”. And still other times it’s “ah, I see what they had an issue with, let’s work on that…”

This is why it all comes down to how badly you want it, how much you’re willing to do to get it and how much you believe in your ability to succeed. If one or two rejections is enough to throw you out of the game entirely… well, as cold as it may sound, maybe this just wasn’t for you. And that’s ok! Not everyone wants or needs to get metaphorically punched in the face repeatedly. For some folks, that’s just a price they don’t want to pay and that is fine. Others are the sorts of mad bastards that’ll take the hit and say “thank you sir, may I have another?” And still others are of the school of “if God closes a door, blow a hole in the wall because f--k you for putting this wall in my way.”

But there’s a difference between saying “ok, this isn’t for me after all” and letting it wreck your entire life and worldview.

I mean, I’m going to get personal here: I spent more than two decades pursuing a career as an artist and illustrator. Over the course of that time, I was rejected more times than you’ve had hot dinners, even had people tell me to my face that I should give up. Hell, I had a teacher in college tell me that she’d rather see me cut my fingers off with tin-snips than call myself an artist.

I have thrown the equivalent of a down payment for a house into degree programs, courses, self-publishing efforts… and I never made it. I self-published a couple comics, worked very briefly as an animator and eventually just left the field entirely. And if I’m being honest? I don’t regret it; I never had the talent or the skill and I’m ok with that. I realized my talents and passions lay elsewhere.

And even then that didn’t mean that I was done with rejection; any author or professional writer who’s been on the Query-Go-Round with agents or who’s submitted proposals and pitches to editors is going to be getting rejected on a daily or weekly basis. Accepting it, rolling with it and working around it is part of the gig. As the song goes, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it.

The same thing applies to “wasting” time and money on your degree. Let’s leave aside questions about how over-inflated the cost of a college degree is (and the subsequent devaluation of anything that isn’t a post-doc) and instead focus on whether you “wasted” your time and money by pursuing a degree that hasn’t led to a career in that field. The idea that a degree only has value if it leads to a particular career in a particular field is a very late-stage capitalism belief, where the only point of education and learning is to make money… and probably for someone else. In reality, that time and money only “wasted” in as much as you think you’ve wasted it. If you want to define “wasted” as in “I’m not going to earn back the money I paid in by getting a career using this degree”, then yes, it was a waste. If you choose to see it as “I learned a lot about something I’m passionate about and it has enhanced my life in many ways”, it absolutely wasn’t a waste.

Again: I’ll point to my own experiences, with the amount of time and money I spent pursuing a dream that I eventually gave up on. Would I like that money back? Oh, sure. But I honestly don’t regret the time or effort I put into it. It didn’t pay out, but I also have no regrets. I learned a lot about myself and while I may not be an artist, all of my education and experiences gave me a deeper appreciation for the art I love, even when I’m not capable of creating it.

And an education’s applicability isn’t always going to be a one-to-one ratio in terms of one’s career. People in STEM fields love to s--t on liberal studies, but liberal studies are, in point, about learning how to learn, having a broader base to work from and how to collate disparate factors into a cohesive whole. It’s easier for a generalist to join a different field than it is for a specialist to become a generalist.

But none of that is going to matter because you’re mostly using all of this to, again, punch yourself in the nuts. That’s all this is: sweaty nut-punching because you had a set-back and you let it convince you that you have no agency and no control. The rejection hurts, sure, but it’s hurting in no small part because you’ve decided that they were 100% right and two people’s opinions have more apparent weight than your own. You’re letting other people’s opinions continue to shape your life by insisting that some jobs are for babies and the poors, not for “real” people. You’re buying into the belief that your job is supposed to be the same as your value and other people have decided that these jobs have little or no value…

…right up until the services that these jobs enable are unavailable. Let’s not forget the number of people who participated in violent uprisings because they were told they couldn’t to go to Applebee’s or get their mani-pedis. Suddenly those jobs were very important indeed, so important that they wanted people to risk death while performing them.

The other part of this that you’re missing is that you’re assuming that this is The End. You’re stuck like this FOREVER. And again: you’re not. Not unless you decide you are. The fact that you’re working minimum wage or tipped jobs doesn’t mean that this is all you will do for the rest of your life. There are many, many paths open to you if you choose to take them. Each of them will come with their own costs, both metaphorical and literal, but that’s true of everything in life. You could go back to college and pursue another degree – a BA or BS, an associate’s degree. You could even just audit classes in order to learn particular skills in career paths that don’t rely on degrees. Relatively few game developers, for example, got degrees in game development or even in STEM fields; many got their start by learning to code on their own or building mods for other games. Hell, there’s a very real pipeline between game journalist and game developer. You might start as a bartender before eventually becoming a bar owner. Or you might continue to pursue a career in the arts in one form or another. These are all choices you could make, right now if you want. So too is continuing exactly as you are. But you have to acknowledge that this is a choice you’re making. To quote the bards: if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

So if you want to stop feeling like a failure, you have to choose to stop being a failure and to stop seeing this as failing. You can see it as a false start, a dead end that you have to backtrack from or as one more step on the path that’s going to put you where you want to be. You can let all of this destroy you or you can let all of it energize you, motivate you and move you forward. You have agency, you have power and you have the ability to make choices. Those choices come with consequences, but all choices do. You just have to decide if those consequences and risks are ones you’re willing to accept. But again: deciding that you’re not willing to accept them is still a choice and you should acknowledge that.

Does it mean being “delusional”? Only in as much as “delusion” means “going against other people’s beliefs”; other people may think something, but that doesn’t make it true. People still believe Elon Musk’s a genius after all. 

Your life is in your hands. You can fail without being a failure, just as you can succeed in spite of yourself. You have the ability to decide how to shape it, how to direct it, what paths to follow and which to pass by. That’s all on you. Your future is your own, so if you want a good one, then it’s on you to make it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve written in before and greatly appreciated your advice. I (25 M) have since met a lovely girl (22) and we’ve been together for about six months. She’s my first serious relationship and my first love. The problem is we have very different schedules, and our love life has diminished considerably over the past couple of months. I feel frustrated but I also feel ashamed for feeling frustrated.

I work a normal 9-5 and also attend grad school on the side. I have hobbies that I attend a few nights a week as well. She, on the other hand, recently started working nights in a very demanding position. She’s extremely passionate about her job —which I adore about her — but she’s been left totally exhausted from it. She’s also scheduled mainly weekends for the foreseeable future, which normally would be the best time for me to see her. The other week she admitted to me how strained she’s felt and how her libido completely disappeared. We had a month long draught in our love life because of this. It’s since picked up again but it’s infrequent.

I admittedly feel very selfish for feeling frustrated in this regard. At the beginning of our relationship we took our time in terms of intimacy, and mainly went at her pace (all of which I was fine and happy with). But we eventually came across some intimacy problems that made sex difficult. Some of these we have overcome and I feel great about reaching those milestones together, but others we have not. She has a lot of trouble reaching orgasm and she hasn’t once reached one with me. We’ll spend so much time on foreplay only for her to get extremely frustrated with herself because she can’t seem to get it. Her self-esteem has tanked recently because of this, and combined with how stressed and out of whack she is from her job it’s become a big problem. Sometimes sex is still an issue as well.

Honestly, I don’t know what to do other than continue to be supportive and not pressure her. I have recommended therapy as an avenue and relayed to her how speaking to a counselor helped me a ton. I even got some references from my counselor for her a while back. I think therapy would be best given her current situation and stresses but she doesn’t seem too keen on it. She does see a psychiatrist and is on medication (which probably affects her libido and hormones) but she also seems reluctant to speak to them about this issue. I feel I’m giving a lot in terms of our relationship but leaving our time together more and more frustrated. We’ve been together a relatively short time but are already having apparent issues (to me at least).

I realize I desperately want things to work out with her. And becoming single again seems like a nightmare. Any advice or criticism is welcome.

Thanks so much,

Wanna Be The Support Team

DEAR WANNA BE THE SUPPORT TEAM: Before we tackle the bulk of your question, I want to tackle something you said: you’re frustrated and you feel bad about being frustrated. This is the wrong view. It’s ok to be frustrated. It’s understandable that you feel frustrated. You’re in a frustrating situation! Being upset at yourself for feeling frustrated isn’t helpful. All this does is add an extra layer of unpleasantness over something that neither you nor your girlfriend really have any control over. You’re allowed to feel frustrated and you’re allowed to not be happy about a situation that is negatively affecting your relationship. Feelings are just that: feelings. They are neither inherently good nor bad, they just are. The key is what actions you take based on those feelings.

The time when they become a problem is when you are either taking your frustration out on your girlfriend or they’re leading you to do things that make someone’s situation worse. There is, for example, a point where complaining to your girlfriend is just going to increase her stress because it can feel like you’re blaming her or she feels like it’s her fault when the fact is that it’s just s--tty luck. So I hope you have some other folks you can grouse to in addition to her; sometimes it’s more helpful to vent to folks who aren’t directly involved and don’t feel like they have an obligation to try to resolve things. That way you can vent about your (very understandable, very reasonable) feelings without accidentally adding to your girlfriend’s stress load.

Now, that aside, I think part of what is going to be helpful is to recognize that sometimes the key to getting through a frustrating situation – one that, again, isn’t within either of your ability to change – is to find ways to mitigate the side-effects of that situation. Part of this is going to require being flexible and willing to adjust to the situation on the ground, where you can and how you can.

Under the circumstances, this is going to be a challenge. You’re working a 9-5 and going to grad school. That tends to cut your available time to ribbons while also taking most of your energy and mental bandwidth. She’s working nights and weekends in what apparently is a high-stress job. That means the overlap where you both have time and energy is going to be very, very narrow, and you are going to have to be willing to work within those restrictions. There might have to be some sacrifices in other areas to make this work. You may, for example, have to give less time to extracurriculars to make time to see her, or schedule hobby time for other nights.

Another thing you may have to do is change up your idea of what a date or getting together is going to look like for the immediate future. This may mean, for example, more low-key, low-energy hangouts, where you spend time together and enjoy each other’s presence rather than going out and burning the ol’ town down. Time cuddling on the couch watching movies or playing games together may be the dominant way you two share intimacy for a while until either things adjust or your schedules become a little more compatible. You might take walks in the park, catch matinees instead of midnight movies or get breakfast when she’s getting off work and you’re getting ready to head into work.

The more you can adapt your plans to the reality on the ground, the easier it’ll be to ride this particular wave. It’ll also help ease the level of stress your girlfriend is under by taking the feeling of “this is hurting my relationship” off her shoulders. Yeah, it’s less than ideal, but you’re finding ways that make it work.

Speaking of stress: yeah, I’m not surprised her libido tanked. Stress is notorious for driving people’s sex drives through the floor. It’s often one of the first things to go when your brain and body go into crisis mode. Think of it like a captain on a starship directing all available power to life-support and shields in a crisis; you shut down unnecessary systems in order to make sure you have enough for the things you need to do in order to survive the current emergency.

But here’s a hard truth: I don’t think you’re really helping with this right now.

Remember what I said about how it’s natural and ok to feel frustrated, as long as the way you act on that frustration doesn’t make things worse? Well, this is an area where you can inadvertently make things worse, and it’s one where I think both of you would benefit by dialing things back a bit, adjusting your expectations and change how you’re handling things. While I understand how you feel and you clearly want things to be better for the both of you, I suspect that you’re adding to things rather than easing them.

This is why, for example, I think she’s resisting talking to a therapist. While I don’t think this is your intent or what you’re thinking, there does come a point where it can feel like you’re pushing her for you, rather than for her. I think part of what would work a lot better is to take on a support role and say – literally say – “hey, how can I support you right now? What can I do that’ll help ease your stress and make things easier?” You might get more mileage, say, out of picking up groceries or watering her plants so she has one less thing on her plate than you would pushing her onto a therapist’s couch. 

At the same time, remember what I said about adjusting expectations? Well, I think that also applies to your sex life, too.

Let’s take her difficulty in reaching orgasm as an example. It’s generally pretty easy for cis men to reach orgasm; the shape of the penis, the location of the nerve-endings and so forth generally make the whole process simpler. Men are also usually much more in tune with what they need to get off. Again, the general shape and location of our genitals make it much easier, as do cultural expectations around male sexuality. Because masturbation is treated as not just natural but inevitable for young boys, men are far more likely to figure out what they like early on and become experts on what they need to get off.

Women, on the other hand, often come to masturbation and orgasm later in life than men do – it’s a lot harder to accidentally stumble on things that get them aroused or stimulated. Not to mention, even in this far flung libertine future of the Year of our Lady Beyonce 2024, women are actively discouraged from exploring their own bodies and sexuality and from pursuing their pleasure the same way men are. Call it a side-effect of a culture that still treats the act that elevates men as one that degrades women. So a young woman may have a different relationship to what gets her off and may not have fully processed what she needs to get there. It’s pretty common, for example, for women to require really intense, direct stimulation on the clitoris or the g-spot in order to get off. It may well be that your girlfriend is one of those people who needs a level of pressure or stimulation or contact in a very specific manner to really get there – ways that simply aren’t replicated by the human body. This is where, for example, incorporating sex toys like vibrators into sex play can be invaluable. Using a vibrator on her during foreplay or penetration, for example, can help provide the level of stimulus she would require to reach orgasm.

One thing that might help is to talk a little about what gets her off when it’s just her. If there’re things that she does while masturbating that get her there, those would be things you could incorporate into partnered sex. And if she has never used sex toys… well, that might be something she should look into – both in private and when you’re together.

The medication is another potential complicating factor. A lot of medications used for mental health issues – such as antidepressants, anti-psychotics and others – are notorious for killing people’s libidos. SSRIs in particular are famous for leaving people in a state where they couldn’t get off for love, money or really, really good drugs. In fact, one of the off-label uses for some SSRIs is the treatment of premature ejaculation. So it’s certainly possible that her meds are part of the problem. If that’s the case, and this is bothering her, then that’s a conversation she should have with her psychiatrist. She’s entirely within her rights to say “hey, the side-effects of this medication are negatively affecting my life and I’d like to find one that isn’t going to ruin my sex life.”

However, there’s another factor at play here. I think the importance that you are putting on getting her off is actually having the opposite effect than the one you want. Orgasm can be a fickle mistress, and sometimes the pressure to have one can be precisely what prevents her from getting off. If the foreplay is going on and on and on, to the point where you and she are starting to sing “Working in the Coal Mine” and wondering how long this can go, the odds are that getting her off has gone out the window and now you’re just in the realm of how much chafing a hoo-hah can take.

So while wanting to please your girlfriend is great, I think the way you’re going about it is actually counterproductive. I think the pressure to have an orgasm is part of what’s chasing it away and making her feel worse. That, in turn, makes it that much harder to get off, which then makes her feel worse and so the cycle continues to perpetuate herself. So, much as with penises experiencing stage fright, sometimes the answer is simply… stop trying. Not that you shouldn’t care about her pleasure, mind you, but that you want to make sex less about orgasm and more about intimacy and connection. It’s possible to enjoy sex without an orgasm capping things off, and not having the pressure to get there makes it much easier. So while doing things she likes and enjoys is still going to be important, you want to stop treating getting her off like you’re hunting for the Holy Grail and focus more on the intimacy and feeling of it all.

You might also want to expand what you both define as “sex” to be more than tab-A going into slot-B. The broader the definition of sex you have, the more opportunities you have for having sex – especially when she’s feeling tired and stressed and is worried that having sex is going to mean another hour of frustrating finger play that ends up going nowhere and making her feel inadequate. A make-out session followed by her giving you a sexy assist while you masturbate might be a lot easier (and more satisfying all around) to fit into your busy schedules and less stressful overall.

(Want to know how to make that some hot, hot sexy times? Look up “jerk off instruction” and let her take command. Just sayin’.)

Now here’s the part that I think you’re really not going to like: you both might be SOL right now. There are times when things just aren’t going to work, no matter what you do. I’m often saying that relationships are a mix of right time, right place and right person. If those things don’t line up properly, then it often doesn’t work. Someone can be right for you, but it may not be the right time or they (or you) may not be in the place where they’re ready or able to have a relationship. This may be one of those times; you can truly love someone to the point of madness but still not make it work because of circumstances outside of your control. As the sage said: it’s possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That’s not failure, that’s just life.

That can really suck and it can be incredibly disheartening. But here’s the thing: that doesn’t mean this can never work, just that it can’t work right now. If you two are right for each other, you’ll still be right for one another in six months down the line, a year or however long it might be before things settle down and you’re both in a better place in terms of schedules and responsibilities. So while you may have to let things go for now, you can promise to circle back around to one another when everything is less hellish and you both have more time and spoons to give to this.

It’s a rough situation and I’m sorry you’re stuck in it. Hopefully y’all will be able to make it work. But if not… well, like I said, sometimes it’s nobody’s fault but bad luck and the best thing you can do is give a little time. Six months to a year can feel like an eternity, but it’s not nearly as long as you think, especially when love is on the line.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com