DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I am very painfully average. Which seems like a massive detriment to my dating life. Average looks, average skills, average dress style, working an average with a painfully average face and mediocre body type (built like an uncanny love child of current Steven Segal and a deflated Kevin Smith despite being Gen Z) which yeah I’m essentially the human equivalent of warm oatmeal. Sure safe and inoffensive but no uniqueness, no spice, no umph, no excitement, no sex appeal in that.

Many women and girls friends tell me that I’m not boyfriend or hook up material but rather husband material which to me and a lot of guys is a very insulting thing to say. It’s essentially saying “Yeah I don’t find you physically or sexually desirable but you’re just stable, safe, competent, nice, useful and resourceful” that’s not a compliment that’s the bare minimum, the low bar all men should met; that’s not exciting, sexy or desirable. I’m not the guy women are seeking out for an unforgettable experience of pure passion and sexual euphoria, I’m sloppy seconds not a prize. And I want to be the prize the one who’s truly desirable, an honest to goodness sexy badass, someone who’s actually lusted after because to me there can be no connection without physical desirability, I know that sounds shallow but that’s very important to me. I wanna be truly sexually desirable, truly lusted after not be like everyone else dull mediocre and boring. Not be settled for but rather someone who truly is a diamond among the coal in the best way possible. To truly be unique and special for women to want both physically and sexually rather than just emotionally.

Signed, Warm Oatmeal

DEAR WARM OATMEAL: Considering yesterday’s letter, have you considered going around bragging about your massive hog?

OK, let’s be serious for a moment here. The first thing to keep in mind is that most people are average. This is literally what “average” means. It’s not a moral judgement or an indication of value, it’s simply the majority of any population. It is the standard, the quality of being within the largest percentage of a group that is representative of the whole. If being “average” were the kiss of death, the human race would’ve died out long before we ever left the savannah.

The issue here isn’t about you being “average”, it’s about how you feel about yourself and how you’re running yourself down. It’s entirely about your attitude, about yourself and about others.

(Well, ok, it’s also about you needing to get the f--k off Reddit and the manosphere side of TikTok, because once again, I can tell exactly where you’re getting these talking points.)

Part of the problem is precisely in how you treat “husband” material as an insult; being told that you are someone who has the qualities for a life-long, meaningful connection, full of shared history, adventure, love, comfort and companionship is no insult, unless you consider things like “commitment” “family” and “love” to be insults. But that’s going to be hard to see if you’re stuck in the idea that women “settle down” with men they don’t love and care for, or that marriage is the death of adventure and excitement.

The comparison to ‘warm oatmeal’ betrays both a lack of understanding of long-term relationships and the fact that, I’m sorry, but you’ve been having s--tty oatmeal. Get off the Quaker Instant, get yourself some Scottish steel-cut oats, add some brown sugar, cinnamon, a pinch of salt, some dried fruit or frozen berries… hell, even a little bit of peanut butter for an extra protein kick. Because hey as it turns out, oatmeal tastes better when you start with a quality base and then you add to it to make it the precise complex dance of flavors and textures that you desire as well as the nutrition you need.

Is there a metaphor in this? You’re goddamn right there is.

If you think someone can’t see their husband as sexually desirable, a lust object and diamond among coal, that’s very much a you problem and you need to be spend some time learning the lessons of Gomez and Morticia Addams. Because this is very much the words of someone who takes the jokey-jokes that marriage is the death of lust or adventure as gospel as opposed to the culmination of a partnership of partners in crime.

(And believe me: talk to some women who’ve dated “bad boys” and you’ll be shocked to discover how much “stable”, “safe”, “competent” and “secure” is not just an insult but a massive turn-on and a necessity.)

The other part is the way you’re denigrating others; referring to people as “sloppy seconds” makes it clear that you see other people having had relationships or sex before you is degrading. That’s the first thing you’re going to have to lose if you want to actually feel desired. Nobody wants to sleep with someone who thinks that having sex with them devalues them.

This is, quite frankly, some toxic bulls--t about what it means to be a man. It’s coming down to the idea that lust and sexual conquest are the only measure of masculine value and that anything that’s less than a Playboy Mansion of lovers, with weasels-on-meth sex coming from every tap is meaningless and pathetic. It’s using sex as validation of your worth – the idea that you were “chosen” because you were “better” or more “special” than the others – when in reality, people have sex for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with the person they’re f--king in that moment.

You know what makes someone “hookup” material? More often than not, it’s got more to do with the person who is looking for the hookup than the person they choose. Some people want validation, attention or simply to not be alone for a little while. Some people do it because they feel like that’s what they’re supposed to do, even if they don’t necessarily want it. Some do it because they think it’s how to get people to like them and still others do it because they’re bored and have an itch that they want to get scratched.

And in those cases, more often than not, the bar is simply “the sex is likely going to be good enough to be worth the risks that will come with sleeping with this guy and I won’t have to deal with him later.” The hookup isn’t about finding the best guy (or girl, for that matter) to f--k, it’s about getting a need met; the person is just a tool. While hookups can certainly turn into relationships, the point of a hookup is that it’s a quick, often “one-and-done” encounter.

And – spoiler alert – hookup sex is rarely very enjoyable for women and even rarer to be a “sexual euphoria”. In fact, part of the reason why women aren’t as open to casual sex as men are is because men who think they’re just having a hook up are less likely to bring their a-game. Why should they? They’re going to get theirs, and since they assume they’re not going to see this other person or sleep with them again – there’s no real need to put in the effort.

The really good, mind-blowing sex? The kind that women will brag about to their friends? That tends to come with a partner who actually cares about other people’s pleasure. It is very rarely found in a random hook-up or with a stranger at a bar, and almost always in a relationship where everyone feels safe, secure and trusting enough to be open and truly vulnerable, with actual conversation and connection and knowledge about what turns each other on and the sort of sense of security that means they feel empowered to take risks or new experiences. It’s very hard to have the sort of freedom from fear that allows you to relax and open up for sexual euphoria with a stranger or even someone you only sort of know. But with a partner you know and trust? Completely different.

Yeah, I get it. Calling you “husband material” feels like an insult to you, because you’re seeing sex and sexual attraction as the measure of a man and these women – the ‘gatekeepers’ – are withholding your “value” from you. The idea that there’re measures of worth besides “every girl in this club wants to jump on this” is just so much “cope”… because that’s what you and your fellow travelers have insisted it is. But it’s that very belief that’s going to keep dragging you down, not your supposed “average”ness .

Because here’s the thing: it really doesn’t take much to change. You don’t like being average and unremarkable? Cool… what are you going to do about it? You can find your style and dress in a way that makes you stand out in a good way. Break from the mold of most men and embrace color and interesting fits! You can cultivate your passions, dive into the things you love and have a life full of creativity, challenge and fulfillment. Or you can go seek out adventure – not just traveling to exotic faraway lands, but finding the obscure and fascinating corners of your own home town. The thing that makes Gomez Addams husband-goals is his joie de vivre and unrelenting excitement and passion for life.

Want more excitement in your life? You can start by challenging your self-limiting beliefs and pursue things that you’ve wanted to try but never really had the courage to start. Take cooking classes, take improv classes, play a musical instrument, learn to speak foreign languages and then make plans to travel so you can put those skills into practice. Want to be sexier? Great, learn how to move your body, learn about pleasure, what turns you on and why. Learn how to touch others and how to connect with them, learn how to express yourself and your passion to others. Regé-Jean Page can make eating soup look like a sensual experience because of how in tune he is with his body and his expressiveness. And yes, that is a learned activity; he’s an actor, that’s literally a skillset that he developed over time.

And if you think it’s just his looks, might I point out Messrs. Serge Gainsbourg and Vincent Cassel, who, charitably, look like frogs dipped in nicotine, but have gotten more strange ass than a Vault dweller at a mutant donkey auction.

But none of that is going to help if you’re also carrying around the idea that the only form of validation or value that counts is how many people are throwing their panties at you or how many bodies you add to your body count – especially when you see love, romance and commitment as “boring” and “safe”. The disdain  you have for yourself and for the women who are choosing other people is going to drag all exciting qualities down. I promise you, every woman out there can tell you about men they know who may radiate sex or look like a Greek statue come to life… but who render themselves absolutely unf--kable based entirely on the vibes and attitude they give off.

This is a fixable problem if you choose to fix it. And as with so many, the first thing you have to fix is your own beliefs – about yourself, about men and about women. Get off the incel and red pill subreddits, block the “masculinity” influencers who’re dripping poison in your ear and if your friends are telling you that this is how to be, get better friends. Want a little more positive masculinity in ways that are ‘traditionally’ masculine but without the toxic bulls--t? Channel a little Chadwick Boseman as T’challa, a little Chris Evans as Captain America, a little Ncuti Gatwa as The Doctor and a lot of Gomez Addams.

You’re only as “warm oatmeal” as much as you allow yourself to be. But with the attitude you’re displaying in your letter, you’re going to make yourself far less palatable.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a friend who’s overly endowed in the penis area. He somehow makes this fact known in every situation that he seems to be in, which is his prerogative, but when it encroaches on myself and my own actions, it drives me crazy and in the past has led to a potential love interest getting redirected in his direction. 

He claims it’s not his fault, but I believe that he uses his endowment as a legit reason to push himself into the middle of everything. He seems to think he’s more important than anybody else because of his gift. I find this to be complete bulls—t personally. But the way that society works these days, people always gravitate towards whatever seems to be bigger and better. 

I know that that us advice you’re probably going to give is just to say stop being friends with this person and move on. And if it truly is that simple, that’s exactly what I will do. At the same time, I feel like I’m the best friend he has ever had and I might feel like a jerk for just abandoning him. But as a wingman I still feel like it’s unfair when he touts his attributes seemingly from the rooftops all the time, when he could handle it differently and incorporate me into the whole scheme, you know, up talk me a little bit to people and give me some props. But I never get any goddamn props, I always get leftovers. Makes me want to put my fist through a wall to be honest.

He’s The (Brat)Wurst

DEAR HE’S THE (BRAT)WURST: OK, once again I will reiterate my standard policy on fake letters: I generally catch the obvious fakes, but I’m not terribly fussed when someone manages to sneak one by me. Most letters are theoretical (and thus, functionally not real) to everyone but the letter writer as it is, but if there’s a lesson that other folks can take away from a potential fake, I find that value to be greater than the supposed “gotcha” of someone managing to slip one by.

Case in point: this letter. A lot of people have had experiences dealing with That One Friend and/or penis anxiety in general, so we’ll roll with it for a moment.

Let’s take the ongoing chorus of “Enormous Penis” out of the equation here and focus on this guy’s actual behavior. The long and short of it is very simple: whether he’s got a huge willy or not, he’s acting like a massive tool. It’s the cliche of “God give me the confidence of a mediocre white man” writ large, where he’s decided to make himself the center of attention at all times, regardless of the people around him or without consideration for either his supposed goals (being a good bro and wingman) or whether folks want to hear about his theoretically ginormous schwanz.

This is one of the times when we run into the difference between being confident and being an arrogant, pushy asshat. Someone who’s confident doesn’t feel the need to brag, boast or otherwise try to direct attention to his moneymaker. It’s not that confidence is always quiet and assured, but there’s not really a need to brag when you know what you’ve got, you know what you’re worth, and you know what you’re capable of. As a general rule, the louder that someone proclaims their vaunted superiority in some area, especially when it’s not relevant, the less secure they are about it… or in other areas, where they’re (ahem) overcompensating. It’s often about a need for attention and – importantly – validation. If it’s not about the thing they’re bragging about, it’s often an attempt to draw attention away from other inadequacies. Big d--k energy, as it were, is usually displayed as unwavering confidence other areas, not in loud braggadocio.

It’s not as though that confident and secure people can’t be loud and obnoxious, but much of it really comes down to “put-up-or-shut-up” time. LeBron or Jordan may be masters of trash-talk, but it’s talk that they can back up and do so, regularly. They’re among the GOATs precisely because they have the skills that make them the elite among the elite. The trash talk is baked into the competition, a challenge of skill – the declaration that “if you come at the king you better not miss.” Just rolling up on people with “what up I got a big d--k” isn’t the same, certainly not unless he’s in a literal d--k-measuring contest.

(Now, I will give some credit here: sometimes it’s just severely misplaced confidence. A lot of guys who legitimately have large penises tend to think of themselves as God’s gift to women. Most of them tend to be lousy in bed, in no small part because they’ve convinced themselves that size is the only thing they need to bring to the table. So foreplay becomes something that happens to other people, the g-spot is where they hang out listening to Snoop Dog and the clitoris is a piece of equipment they’ve never seen but they’re pretty sure isn’t necessary anyway and they miss the bored and pained expression on their partners’ faces while they jackhammer away.  Meanwhile, 70-90% of women can’t orgasm through penetration, so Johnny WangDoodle ain’t got the stroke game he thinks.)

The bigger issue however, is that he’s a boor, a bore and a snore. Rolling into conversations with “oh, have I mentioned that every time I get an erection I nearly pass out because it needs all the blood in my body” has all the charm, poise and believability of Danny DeVito pointedly “accidentally” dropping a Magnum condom. For the folks around him it’s about as welcome as morning wood while trying to pee or something sus prodding your lower back on a crowded subway. And that’s before we get into the fact that he’s neither a good friend nor a good wingman. A wingman’s entire job is to support his or her friend. That means helping clear a path, handle logistics, provide moral and emotional support and be the Flavor Flav to their buddy’s Chuck D. This is something that is supposed to go both ways; you support and prop them up, they do the same for you. If all this guy is doing is dominating conversations in unwelcome ways, turning the topic to him and otherwise blowing up a promising connection, then he’s not being a wingman. At best, he’s a grenade with the pin about to fall out at any moment. At worst, he’s a poacher. And none of it makes for being a good friend.

Now all this having been said: this isn’t about the world “gravitating to the bigger and better”. Trust me, the only people who care that much about penis size are straight cis men. This isn’t about the world catering to him, it’s about this guy being loud and obnoxious and getting all the attention… even though most of the attention is “who the hell is this freak and why is he going on about his wang?”

This is an area where, if you think it would be worth it, you should have a very long, and firm conversation about his behavior, how it bothers other people and how it affects you. Because, as with most cases, it’s not that he “can’t help it”. If he’s not acting like the big swinging d--k to, say, his boss, his teachers or the cops? He absolutely can. He’s doing it with you because you let him get away with it. Once he gets his d--k knocked into the dirt, I suspect that that tune would change.

But if he doesn’t want to listen (presumably because the blood rushed away from his brain after thinking about Sydney Sweeney in a micro-bikini), then the best thing you can do is get a better class of friends. You may be the best friend he’s ever had, but he’s decidedly not returning the favor. He’s being an absolute knob to you and the people around you. That’s on him, and you don’t have any obligation to hang around just because you’re the only one who tolerates him. If he doesn’t want to alienate people and drive friends away, he can stop acting like a bellend.

So have a word with this friend-who-definitely-exists and if he doesn’t or won’t listen? He can go spend his time with his buddies John Thomas and the twins and be with people who might actually appreciate his schlock. Or his schlong.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Last year summer of 2023, I ended my engagement with a man I was with for five years. He lost his job, fell into a major depression which led to substance abuse, which resulted in sex addictions like messaging hookers.

Unfortunately, this was not my first rodeo with his behavior like that. I had dealt with other betrayals before and his inappropriate behavior towards other women. In 2021 we broke up for a few months because he tried cheating on me with our roommate.

I had thought he had his “coming to Jesus” moment after 2021 so I stayed. We went to therapy and he promised and said everything I needed to hear. We had a beautiful year and a half together. This is a man I’ve loved since middle school, always had a crush on him, and was head over heels when I finally got a chance to be with him.

Ever since our relationship ended, he has been telling me he wanted to be with me and make things right.

In May I decided to give us a chance. We would get in quite a few heated arguments but I was invested in making it work and give us a chance at repair. One argument we had a lot was about a new friend of his we will call Jackie. Jackie was coming over a lot and when she sent him a middle of the night message when he was staying at my house, I got red flags.

Anyways, fast forward to this month and I find out while I was trying to repair our relationship, he had hooked up with Jackie. He tells me that him and I weren’t officially together so it shouldn’t matter. He tells me I’m being psycho and irrational and unreasonable.

I definitely have not made our repair easy. I’ve escalated fights and said harsh things. As of now our relationship is completely over and I’m telling him we are broken with no chance at repair. Am I overreacting? Should I not care if he was hooking up with another girl if him and I weren’t officially back together yet? Obviously his lies and gaslighting were problematic. But I’m considering what he did as betrayal. Am I wrong?

Thanks.

Always Betrayed

DEAR ALWAYS BETRAYED: So I’m going to apologize in advance for a tangent, but you accidentally hit a “push button, get rant” trigger of mine: unless you left something out, it doesn’t sound like he was gaslighting you. Gaslighting is one of those terms that people have started misusing; it doesn’t mean lying or disagreeing about how to interpret something, it’s when someone is deliberately trying to make it impossible for you to trust your own judgement and senses. There’s a difference between saying “I’m not seeing anyone else” when they absolutely are and “You didn’t see me kissing Jessica, you’re crazy.” 

(Or to put it another way, the more someone’s behavior resembles the song “It Wasn’t Me”, the more it’s akin to gaslighting.)

OK, anyway.

In all sincerity, I really don’t think “is it unreasonable to be upset about this” is a question that needed to be asked. While I firmly believe that you shouldn’t assume exclusivity until you’ve had the “are we exclusive” conversation, there’s a distinct difference when someone who cheated is trying to prove you can trust him again. I understand why you would want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and why you wouldn’t want to think that he’s the kind of guy who could be this s--tty to you. You’ve carried a torch for him for a long time, and it’s hard to think of someone you’ve had feelings for being this much of a d--kbag. But that’s what he’s doing, and he’s doing it in a way where he knows he’s being s--tty, but he doesn’t want to face the consequences for doing so.

This is  a situation where someone is technically correct, but even being technically correct doesn’t mean that he’s not also being an absolute s--thead.

Yes, technically you and he weren’t back together, and so technically there wasn’t an expectation of commitment or exclusivity. That much is correct, as far as that goes.

However! 

The fact is that you were working on fixing the relationship with him in good faith, with an eye towards getting back together. He, likewise, said over and over again that he wanted to make things right, went to couple’s counseling, said all the right words and so on. While he didn’t say or make any promises regarding exclusivity or monogamy, I think most reasonable people would assume that someone making all of those promises and appearing to actually be putting in effort is not also pursuing other people unless otherwise specified. 

(Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are examples of when this would be less reasonable, but seeing as you were in a closed relationship, it doesn’t apply here.) 

So I don’t think it was unreasonable to assume that there was an implied promise of exclusivity, or at the very least, making a point of not dating or putting other dates on hold, especially in light of the fact that you broke up with him before when he tried to bang your roommate. Violating the commitment he made is part of what ended the relationship in the first place. Since he violated your trust before, if he wants to get back together with you, it makes sense to assume that he would want to re-earn your trust by proving himself to be trustworthy.

The fact that he was f--king around with Jackie while doing this belies the intent and sincerity of his actions. If he meant it, then he has a weird way of showing it. If he didn’t mean it, then he’s just being an asshole and playing you for a sucker. 

The fact that he also tried to pull a “well technically we’re not together” over this should really tell you everything you need to know.  He proved time and time again that he’s so full of s--t that his eyes turned brown. I get that you’ve had a thing for him for a long time, but he’s already hurt you at least twice through his choices and actions, and he’s proven that either he doesn’t mean what he says, or doesn’t know himself well enough to not make promises he can’t keep. Both are exemplary reasons to never date him again. This revelation (and his subsequent “you’re not allowed to be mad at me because reasons”) puts him into pure “curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal” territory.

So no, I don’t think you’re wrong to feel hurt by this nor do I feel it’s unreasonable for you to be upset by it. I think it’s entirely fair to see this as a betrayal. He told you, repeatedly, that he wants to be with you and make things right while he goes out and bangs another person. Well, as I’m always saying: deeds, not words. His words say one thing, his deeds say another, and what they say is “drop kick this dude to the corner with the rest of the compost”.

So TL;DR: he may be technically correct, but that doesn’t mean that he’s RIGHT. Someone who’s going to try to lawyer his way out of consequences despite those actions going against the spirit of what he promised is someone who you are well rid of. Consign this guy to the Dumpster of Bad Dates Past and don’t let him take up any more of your bandwidth. And the next time someone says one thing but his actions indicate the opposite? Trust the deeds more than the words.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com