DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 46 and genderqueer. I used to be active in the local BDSM scene. It’s where I met my last sexual partner. It’s an old story: started as friends with benefits, I fell in love and she didn’t, and my heart got broken. I left the scene, not wanting to see her again. It hurt too much. ��Fast forward almost six years. I’d like to find a kinky play partner, but I’m terrified to get back into the scene. I’m afraid to see my ex-Mistress again. She might still be active. The players have changed a lot, as we’re in a college town, so I don’t know anyone I can ask if she still goes to events. She hates my guts, because I was the one who walked away, and I’m worried about what she’s told people. Plus I’m pretty sure seeing her again would hurt. ��Do I suck it up and go to the next munch? Do I look for someone local through online dating instead?
(Is there even a good site to find local kinky queer women? Fetlife seemed useless for that last time I was on.) ��Thanks for any help you can give me. ��— Frustrated in Florida
DEAR FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA: So, funny story, FiF, but I’ve dealt with this situation more than once. I’m a nerd who primarily dates other nerds. That alone is a relatively interconnected community, which means that social circles tend to have a lot of overlap. Combine that with similar tastes in movies or music, and it’s meant that I’ve always had a high likelihood of running into someone I dated while out and about.
And a painful break up? That almost guarantees that I’d encounter an ex at the least convenient, most awkward time possible. And wouldn’t you know it: I would run into the ex as what broke my heart at times that would seem so contrived that if I wrote it into a script, editors would demand I cut it out for being too absurd. Going to see Flogging Molly in concert? Guess who I’d run into? Meeting up for a friend’s birthday? Guess who was also invited?
Turns out, the strongest force in the universe isn’t gravity, it’s dramatic irony.
But that’s also just the nature of being part of a sub-culture; you’re going to see a lot of the same people. And if you’re in a subset of a subset – queer and kinky, for example – then the chances that there’s going to be overlap between you and someone you dated is pretty close to 100%. So it’s helpful to just embrace that this is going to happen.
Now, I don’t say this to say “well, sucks to be you”. Rather, I say “consider this to be inevitable” in the same sense that the code of bushido says to accept that you are already dead; recognize as an inevitability so that the fear of the possibility doesn’t handicap you. One of the pernicious things about fear is the cliche of fear itself; we become so afraid of a possibility that we start to fear the feeling of that fear. As such we start to try to avoid the possibility of encountering things that might bring up that fear.
It’s almost paradoxical, but our attempts to avoid fear and anxiety just sere to make those feelings loom ever larger in our minds. We end up spending far more of our time, energy and emotional bandwidth trying to avoid things than we’d ever actually get back if we did avoid everything. And the attempts at avoidance don’t even help. All that happens is that we’re even less prepared for when the moment finally happens.
And let’s be real: even if you decide to avoid going to munches and focus entirely on dating apps and Fetlife, the number of people who you’ll be compatible with is going to be fewer than if you were cis and straight. The people who fit into the Venn diagram of having a queer relationship and being kinky is going to be similarly constrained. The overall size of the LGBTQ community and the kink community, individually or combined means that many, if not most of the folks you may want to date are likely going to have overlap with your ex’s social circles.
So, rather than try to avoid the moment that you’ll run into your ex, I would say “assume that it will happen and prepare accordingly”. Accepting this makes it much easier to face it; instead of spending your time trying to thread the needle of dancing around your ex’s existence, you can decide how you intend to handle it. Maybe you’ll prepare yourself to be polite, but distant. Maybe you’ll brace yourself for an onslaught of vitriol and bitterness. Or perhaps you’ll resolve to apologize when you see her and take ownership for leaving the way you did.
However, one of the important things to realize is that one of the possible outcomes of running into your ex may not be as bad as you fear. When I ran into my ex, it was awkward. It was an adrenaline surge. But it didn’t hurt, not the way I expected. By that point, time had passed. I was a different person and so was she, and while the break up wasn’t fun, it was well in our past. I’d made my peace with it. So had she.
So while I wouldn’t go seeking her out – or going around asking about her – I would say to not let the fear of encountering her rule you or dissuade you from rejoining the scene. Especially if it’s a core part of who you are as a person.
You left six years ago. That is a lot of time for people to grow and change and to give themselves closure. The way your ex felt six years ago isn’t likely to be the same way she feels now. The same is true for you; what you think you feel may be more the habit of feeling this way. But if you examine your feelings, you may realize that you feel differently.
And again, I want to be real with you: carrying a grudge for over six years because someone broke up with you is… well, there’s a point where it stops being about them and more just nursing a grudge for the sake of keeping it. This is especially true when the biggest crime you could reasonably be accused of committing is “not ending things with all possible grace”. You didn’t cheat on her with her dad, steal her inheritance, run over her goldfish or even blow your nose on the curtains on the way out the door. You ended things because the relationship became untenable for you. You wanted more than she could give and so you made what is ultimately a responsible decision: you decided to love yourself enough to know when to leave a bad situation. It may have hurt, and it may have pricked her ego, but sticking around would’ve been worse for everyone.
Yeah, it may not have been the world’s smoothest dismount, but it’s going to take a lot of sins to justify a burning hate for nearly a decade. And if your ex is carrying around a hate that burns with the heat of a thousand suns because you broke up with her six years ago? That’s very much a her problem, not a you problem. Especially if your biggest sin is “I may love you, but I need to love me more.”
So if your ex has greater emotional intelligence than someone who never outgrew 4chan, I think the odds are good that it won’t be nearly as bad as you fear.
But what if it is? What if she has been talking s--t about you? Well, first the odds that anyone who knew both of you has likely moved on – as you said, it’s a college town, which tends to mean a lot of turn-over. And if we’re being realistic, it takes a lot of energy to keep such a grudge going for six years that odds are good that it just wasn’t worth constantly stroking a hate-boner over a break-up; the odds that anyone new in the community has gotten all the dirty deets and stained sheets is low. The odds that they’ll connect that with you, newly returned to the scene, is even lower.
However, showing maturity and integrity is one of the best responses to angry rumor-mongering. If you run into her at an event and it’s appropriate, you can sincerely apologize. You can say “Our relationship was untenable and my staying would only have made things worse for both of us. I wanted something from you that you couldn’t give, and that wouldn’t be fair to either of us, but I could’ve left with more grace and for that I’m sorry.” Will it defuse her anger? Maybe, maybe not. But showing your own integrity and growth will show who you truly are. And sometimes that’s the best we can hope for.
If she’s poisoned the well that deeply, then yes, that can be a problem. But based on what you’ve said, I don’t know if that’s a realistic fear. An understandable one, to be sure… but not one that I think has a reasonable chance of actually happening.
As it is? I think you’re better to confront this fear head on, than to spend more unnecessary energy trying to avoid it. The uncertainty of the situation is almost always worse; even the bad outcome means that at least you don’t need to keep anticipating the worst. You can work on dealing with a single scenario, instead of trying to find solutions to a thousand different ones, each worse than the last.
Personally, I don’t think it’ll be that bad. It may even be better than you fear it will be. But if it is, then at least it’ll be over, and you’ll know for sure.
Incidentally, if FetLife isn’t working for you, you can always look to more “standard” dating apps that cater to less heteronormative relationships, like Feeld and #Open. The crossover between groups like the poly community and the kink community is pretty extensive, and the likelihood that you’ll find someone who’s at least kink-curious is in your favor.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com