DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 14-year-old high school girl who is a virgin, and I have been feeling insecure about this fact for some time. I am also insecure about my past (and present) as a friendless awkward person.
I have always been a very shy person who has struggled to make friends. For many years when I was younger, I was often too nervous to approach people, and did not have the social skills necessary to comfortably engage with them (It may be worth mentioning that I do not have diagnosed social anxiety, or any other kind of mental or neurological condition). I have spent the last year or so working on these issues (by means of advice from people I know, blogs, and irl practice) and am now better at socializing. I still get nervous in some situations, but not as much. I have better social skills too, and am capable of making friends. I do not feel that my social struggles are over, but now is the first time in my life that I feel at least a bit socially competent. All of the friendships I have made so far have not lasted very long due to a variety of reasons, but I am better at making friends and less uncomfortable with not having them (although I do not know how big of a problem this is). I am sometimes lazy with my socializing, however, in that I sometimes do not try to make new friends if I do not currently have any. I also sometimes feel as though current friendships are too “stressful”, which has caused many of my friendships to erode or even end.
Recently, it has come to my attention that I am still a virgin: I am not quite sure what I should do about this. For one thing, I have never even tried to get a boyfriend, as I was either not interested in making the effort to find someone or was too shy to make a move on somebody I found interesting. This fact makes me think that I could just be overthinking the whole thing, and that I should either just go try to date somebody and see what happens or just chill out and be at peace with being a virgin. If the perfect guy sat next to me in class tomorrow, though, I have no idea what I would do about it. I don’t know a whole lot about actually starting romantic relationships. I am also pretty sure that most people my age do not have many encounters outside of a relationship, so I think the fact that I am not great at dedicated relationships (platonic and romantic) is at least part of the problem.
What I think may be the main problem, though, is the lack of effort and interest that I feel like giving towards a relationship. I already have a very low social battery with platonic friendships, and am not entirely sure if I could even handle the responsibility and dedication of a romantic relationship. I can handle having a bunch of friends, but I need frequent breaks from them or I start to get stressed. I don’t have any dating experience (obviously), but I am 80% sure that a strong friendship is a necessary base for a healthy relationship. I have never tried to get a boyfriend, but am unsure of whether I could get one in the present with how lazy I can be, as well as the fact that I do not have a dedicated and long-lasting social circle. Who would want to date a friendless girl? I don’t think I am particularly bad-looking or anything, it’s just that I am very weird socially. And even if I magically got a boyfriend, would I really know if I am ready for the dedication of a sexual relationship? Or am I just too young to know yet? I feel ashamed of being a virgin, but at the same time I am worried that I am wasting mental energy on something that I might not even want, something that I only like the idea of. I wouldn’t really want a boyfriend for the sex, but for the validation from having someone who likes you so much. I am mostly alright with being single, but I can’t help thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.
I don’t know if I should work on my social skills, my self-esteem, my laziness, or if I should just try to care less about losing my virginity. If you could try to help me out, I would be extremely grateful.
The Last American Virgin
DEAR THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN: normally I wait to the end to get to my “here’s what you should do” phase of the letter but I’ll just skip to that part right away so you don’t miss it, LAV:
Ready? OK:
JESUS TAPDANCING FROG, YOU ARE FOURTEEN. Being a virgin isn’t the last thing you should be worrying about, it shouldn’t be on your list in the first place. If I’m being blunt, I didn’t have to get past your age to the rest of your letter; no matter what else you’re worried about – and trust me, we’ll get to it – the fact that you haven’t had sex yet is not something you should be freaking out about. Like, at all.
This isn’t a purity thing, believe me. It’s a YOU’RE FOURTEEN thing. And look, I remember how I was at fourteen – both with the surging hormones, terminal social awkwardness (not to mention diagnosed ADHD) and the toxic bulls--t about men’s sexuality. I remember thinking that I was socially behind everyone around me, having had no relationship experience to speak of outside of a summer camp “romance” and a lot of ideas of where I was “supposed” to be. I was convinced that I was the last virgin on the planet and that I was going to be able to vote before I so much as saw a boob in person and I was hornier than a six-peckered goat.
But I also remember how goddamn dumb I was at that age and the things I thought were brilliant ideas. Trust me when I tell you: neither you nor your peers are truly ready for the risks and responsibilities that come with sex. And this is before we even get into the conservative religious s--tbags who overturned Roe V. Wade and are looking at access to birth control next, bulls--t double standards about male and female sexuality and sexual activity, Boomer handwringing over teen sexuality, the gaping hellmouth that is sexual education in the US, or the fact that too many adults think porn is a documentary series, nevermind kids.
I’m a big believer in “have sex when you’re ready,” but trust me: you ain’t ready yet.
So, alright, we got that out of the way. Let’s deal with the rest of your letter.
Right off the bat, one of the primary issues is simply being an introvert. Having a low social battery can make it difficult to have the energy to spend time with friends, especially with 8+ hours of enforced social interaction at school. One of the most important lessons an introvert can learn at a young age is how to gauge their social energy, how to manage it so they can socialize when they want to, and to not apologize for needing to take a break… even when your extroverted friends disagree.
However, it’s also important to learn to not use “introvert” as an excuse when what you really mean is “intimidated or worried about interacting with people”. This can end up creating a pattern where you avoid the things that seem intimidating or difficult and excusing not facing them by claiming introvert status. The problem is… avoidance doesn’t actually make things better. It just increases the discomfort until it goes from being “uncomfortable” to “an actual phobia”, which is a lot harder to untangle. While yes, you want to learn how to manage and expend your energy efficiently, you also want to learn the difference between “having low energy and needing a break” and “how to push through the discomfort and make it to the other side”. As I’m always saying: social skills are skills, and skills only improve through deliberate practice. And getting good at them means being willing to push through the pain period to competence.
That part can be important, especially since, as you noted, sometimes you get lazy about trying to make friends. However, one thing leaps out at me: you mention how you’ve frequently had friendships errode or end because you found them to be stressful. You don’t say how they’re stressful or why this causes them to end. That’s something that’s probably worth digging into. Especially since there’s a very large difference between “knowing how to make friends and maintain friendships” and “knowing who to be friends with“.
High school has long been a weird morass of social confusion; teens are dealing with the raging trash fire that are their hormonal changes, managing their sexuality and gender identity, trying to establish themselves as independent individuals instead of just what their parents want to mold them to be and the confusion of a social pecking order that bears more resemblance to a medium security prison than real life. You end up with a lot of unwritten (or, in the post-social media era, written, blogged and TikTok’d) “rules” that were put down by other people who also have no f--king clue what they’re talking about that only seem to contradict one another and make things worse for everyone, everyone’s confused, nobody’s happy and anyone who tells you that high-school are the best years of your life are either lying, deluded or peaked before graduation.
Oh, and these days, you end up with folks who watched the wrong TikToks, learned about words like “narcissism”, “lovebombing” and “gaslighting” or social justice terms like “privilege” and never, ever use them correctly, but only as weapons to be wielded against people they don’t like.
All of which means that people – especially folks with relatively low social experience or fluency – tend to end up in friend groups that are actually bad for them. Not “bad for climbing the social ladder” or “bad because they’re not cool” but “bad” in the sense of “these are toxic people who treat you like s--t and will convince you that you deserve it and should put up with it because that’s how friendships work”. It was bad enough when I was a high-schooler, but at least school couldn’t follow you home. Now it follows you everywhere thanks to the ubiquity of smartphones and social media.
*Ahem*
A large part of your high-school experience should be about making friends. But as I said, you want the right friends, high-value, high-quality friends. And high value doesn’t mean “of the right social status” or “in the right clubs or sports teams”, it means people who make your life better. People who love and support you, who encourage you without just enabling your bad habits, who inspire you and motivate you to be your best self and who ask the same of you in return. They’re the ones who respect and understand your boundaries, but also have boundaries of their own, who can disagree with you without making it a fight, but who also share similar or compatible goals and values.
That can feel like a tall order, especially in the closed system that is high-school. But learning how to meet people and suss out who’s right for you and who isn’t… those are skills that will serve you well over time.
The other issue I notice in your letter is that you seem to feel like you should want certain things – a boyfriend, sex, etc. – but mostly don’t. Here’s something a lot of folks won’t tell you: that’s totally fine. If you’re not seeing what the big deal is about having a boyfriend or girlfriend, that’s totally cool. That may change, or it may not; both are just fine. If it’s not something you actually are interested in – as opposed to feeling like you’re supposed to – then it’s better to just let it be instead of trying to force the issue. I will say that, if you do find yourself wanting a partner, that high-school relationships tend to be learning experiences more than anything else. Despite how they feel at the time – and believe me, they feel like the most dramatic things possible – the people you may date in high-school are rarely the people you’re still in a relationship with ten or twenty years down the line. Hell, most of the time, those relationships don’t last past graduation or your first year of college. If you do decide to date… well, my advice would be “go at the pace you are most comfortable with, and don’t let anyone push you to go faster than you want,” as well as “don’t invest too deeply into it,” in no small part because who you’ll be in just a couple year’s time will be radically different from who you are right now.
And as for sex? Well… look, hormones are a thing and teenagers have a long and inglorious history of diving head first into waters without having the first clue of what they’re diving into. But most of the time… they’re not as prepared as they think they are. My general advice for everyone, guys, gals and nonbinary pals, is that high-school is best used as a time to learn about yourself and get ready for next stage of life. That may be college, or it may not be, but that’ll be time when you’ll be best positioned to explore yourself, take advantage of increasing levels of independence and find out more about who you are and who you’re going to be.
So for now? Don’t worry about the other side of the metaphorical fence; the grass always looks greener because people will keep insisting that it is, regardless of its actual quality. Work on those social skills and being able to talk to everyone and anyone; this will serve you well for your entire life. Work on your self-esteem, because that will make life easier on you as you grow up. And more than anything else? Just find out more about yourself and what you like. All of that may change over time. Hell, it may change a lot. That’s fine. You’re in a place in your life when you have the most freedom to try things out and experiment with different aspects of yourself. Take advantage of that. The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the more the rest will sort itself out over time.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com