DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Very huge fan of your work!
I’m genuinely a huge fan of your approach to dating and boosting confidence here on the site. I’ve definitely tried to follow your lead in terms of dating, however I keep running into a large obstacle in my dating life: I live in New York City.
While there are TONS of people here, and tons of single people here as well, I keep finding myself in this odd middle ground of what seems to make dating possible here in the city: I’m not supermodel-level gorgeous or the most eccentric person in any room. While these things don’t really matter to me (I’m quite comfortable with who I am: a kind, soft but incredibly curious nerd), it seems to matter to everyone else. Dating apps have been a wash although I put my nice fun and artsy photos on there with a bio, and going to the local bars or events don’t particularly work out because everyone is very very very exclusive to the groups they come in with. It seems as though there are ridiculously high standards in any way that you turn: If you aren’t hot or rich you can’t stand out at the bars or clubs, or – as in the case in my neighborhood – being of a specific gender presentation seems to really be a detractor as well. That is, my presentation of being mostly masculine even though I’m gender-questioning.
I’ve been wondering for quite a while whether this is some kind of calling to change myself in a specific way to meet the standards of where I am, or a calling to move somewhere that might not have as many people but they would have realistic standards. A bit torn on what to do in this situation. A little bit about myself just for context:
– I’m a bald male-presenting person, just kinda nerdy and can sometimes give off a George Costanza vibe
– While my ideas and personality is more radical, I’m not tatted, pierced up, or ripped
– While I’ve experimented with a more feminine presentation and got more attention from when I did so, part of it never really clicked with who I am. Though I’m absolutely not masculine in any way except appearance, which if that ain’t the nonbinary struggle I don’t know what is
I think at the end of the day I have this creeping notion that there’s a standard for gender-questioning people aesthetically that I just don’t meet, and that standard is all I’m able to find where I live making it to where I don’t know if I particularly “fit in” to any circle here. I guess my main question in this is “Do I stay or do I go?” and if I stay, is there any advice you would give to someone struggling to fit in but not compromise who they are.
Hope this wasn’t too vague!!!
Best,
Lost In The Middle
DEAR LOST IN THE MIDDLE: Let’s set the dating app issue aside for the moment; Being Good On Dating Apps is a skillset in and of itself that’s actually separate from “being good at dating”. It sounds to me like you have two issues. The first is that you don’t seem to be comfortable with yourself just yet, which is a pretty foundational issue. The other is less about living in New York City and more that you simply haven’t found Your People, which is a geographically agnostic problem. These problems tend to overlap quite a bit; if you’re not entirely sure who “Lost In The Middle” is – or you’re not comfortable with being them, yet – then it’s much harder for you to find Your People. Solving one tends to solve the other, which is why I recommend working on both.
Figuring yourself out, and how to craft the best most polished version of your authentic self is going to be the single biggest boost to your social success. Once you understand who you are and how to be the best version of You that you can be, the easier it is for you to identify, locate and connect with the people you’re most compatible with.
The first thing that leaps out at me is… well, you say you’re comfortable with yourself, but the way you frame it doesn’t sound like you like yourself that much. Even in the way you describe yourself, you throw a lot of conditionals or descriptors that sound kinda negative. I mean, when you say “soft, but”, that sounds like you’re saying that ‘soft’ is something that needs to be excused by what comes next. The same goes with how you say you come across. Let’s be real: George Costanza is not exactly a lot of people’s go-to for “someone I want to be when I grow up”. So part of what you may want to start with is finding a better role model or archetype. It doesn’t need to be someone who matches you physically as much as what matches your ideal self – someone you can point to and say “yeah, I’d be proud to be like that.” And hey, you can find inspiration or role models anywhere. I have friends who’ve found that they relate most to characters from comics or video games and were able to take that energy onboard and make it part of who they are. Others have aimed at more spiritual targets, seeing themselves better able to relate to mythological figures that spoke to them and incorporated aspects into themselves that spoke to them.
That doesn’t mean “ok, you need to look and/or act like Mollymauk Tealeaf/ Gomez Addams/ Delerium/ Hancock/whomever” but find the folks whose aspects most resemble the parts of you that you want to bring forward. Gomez is all about the enthusiastic love and joie de vivre even for things that are weird or unusual. Hancock is very much about showmanship, presense and self-confidence in a world that says he shouldn’t have any of them. Delerium is very much the concept of kintsugi; the fact that something broke doesn’t mean that it’s broken and that it can become something new and beautiful for all that it had been shattered before. Letting that start as your guide to highlighting the parts of you that you want to accentuate and bring you closer to your truth works wonders for learning to love who you are and who you can be.
And honestly, finding your truth and living it will go much further than trying to fit someone else’s standards, especially when those standards are narrow and restrictive as s--t. So you’re not ripped or tatted and pierced. And? If those aren’t things that speak to you or things that you don’t want, then don’t do ’em. I didn’t get my tattoos for anyone else but me. Granted, I’m fortunate enough to live in a place and time when they’re not unusual but f--k knows I get some s--t when I travel sometimes. But for me, they’re less adding something to me and more about revealing something that was already there. If that’s not right for you, then don’t sweat it and find the things that are.
That includes your gender presentation. You’ve got a masculine exterior, and your interior is more fluid, but more feminine presentation doesn’t really click. Ok, so what other ways might? The way you describe not fitting in with your neighborhood and the idea that you need to meet some aesthetic standard as a nonbinary person sounds more like a “before diagnosing yourself as depressed, first make sure you’re not surrounded by assholes” kind of problem. Gender fluidity and androgyny tends to get coded as “tall, thin and white” in many communities, and folks who don’t meet that Ziggy Stardust Special are often made to feel like they’re deficient or inauthentic in some way. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that this is what being nonbinary has to mean for you. You can have male-coded traits or present physically as masculine and still be non-binary or genderfluid. Baldness, for example, tends to read male, sure… but God knows there’re plenty of women and enbies who’ve rocked the bald look quite well. You can play with masculine and feminine presentation in a lot of ways without going full bore in one direction or the other. Making a point of playing around with dress, makeup, style and other coded behaviors can help you find your ideal place on the gender presentation spectrum that feels the most right for you. It’s trying to fit into someone else’s mold that creates the most difficulties.
And hey, maybe you might not be the most hip or a la mode. That’s fine, especially if that’s not who you are. Fashion, as Oscar Wilde once said, is a form of ugliness so great that it has to change every six months. Whatever is “in” is protean and changes constantly. Authenticity changes when it needs to, not with the winds, and it’s far more attractive.
Figuring that part out will help you with finding Your People, too. I mean, ok, you aren’t getting attention in the NYC club scene. But my question would be: are you a Club Person to begin with? Or are you going to them because that’s where we’ve all been told to go try to hook up and find dates? If you’re not really a club-going type, then you’re probably not going to mesh well with the folks who are, anymore than someone who’s more about experimental avant-garde theater is going to fit in with Wall Street bro culture. But just because a particular group or community has superficial commonalities, that doesn’t mean they’re Your People either. A lot of folks may be nerds and geeks, but find that a lot of geeky groups are entirely wrong for them; someone who enjoys Stardew Valley or Capybara Spa Simulator rarely vibe well with the Soulsborne fanatics who think that having optional difficulty levels are A Crime To Great To Be Borne.
So figure out the places that you, and the people you’re most likely to be compatible with, are likely to hang out. Where are those spaces, those social gatherings, those communities? Maybe they’re in different parts of the city than you currently go to. Maybe they’re in the outer boroughs, in neighborhoods that haven’t been gentrified and commoditized with kicky names and skyrocketing rents. Maybe it’s just been waiting for someone like you to create that space, so other people like you can finally find it.
Or, yes, it may not be in New York at all. It could well be in Poughkeepsie or Saratoga or, s--t, Burlington or Chicago. But before you declare yourself done, maybe make sure that the issue isn’t that you’ve been looking for love and community in all the wrong places first.
So start by finding yourself and your truth, so you can learn to love yourself the way you deserve to be. Then find your people and your community. That’ll help you find the right people for you, and make it that much easier to find the love, sex and relationships that you’re looking for.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com