DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This may not be the most exciting question you’ve received, but I’m at a loss, and I need some professional help. I’m a 45-year-old male divorcee who is happy with the way things shook out. I didn’t necessarily win the divorce, but I’m content. Lately, a strange thought has come into my head like a pebble in a shoe, and that’s maybe I should date again, which I haven’t done since 2004.
It’s not that simple, though. For one, this isn’t a need for me to find companionship for my aging self; I’m perfectly happy to live and die alone. For another, I’m borderline asexual (but not sex-averse). I just prefer the one-on-one company of women, and I enjoy doing the kinds of activities that people do on dates. There is no real mechanism to find new friends that don’t involve hanging out in groups, and groups make me freeze up like your joints when you’re trying to run in 25 degree weather. Basically, I’m looking to hang out with a woman, and if things happen, they happen, and if they don’t, they don’t. I don’t want to go into these dates giving her the wrong idea about where I am romantically.
I literally had this idea this morning, so it’s fresh and confusing. I have no idea where a person in my situation should look. Is there a middle-aged, keeping-it-casual dating app I could turn to? Is there one for asexuals to meet up? If you could get me started, I’d really appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Utterly Baffled
DEAR UTTERLY BAFFLED: Honestly UB, this is just a case of overcomplicating things that really aren’t that complicated. You just want to get on the dating apps and be up front about who you are and what you’re looking for. While I wouldn’t necessarily suggest Tinder for you — they’ve never fully shaken their hook-up origins and that influences both their target audience and the expectations of their users — most dating apps have a “seeking something casual” option. While for a lot of folks, “casual” means “no strings, no commitment”, for others it means “no expectations, let’s take things as they come.” That vibe is precisely what you want to project; you’re recently divorced and looking for friendly and enjoyable companionship. If anything comes of it, great! If not, hey, that’s great too. Being up front about this in your profile, in a way that comes across as friendly and upbeat rather than judgey or exclusionary, will go a long way towards helping you meet like-minded folks.
In fact, you may have something of an advantage in this, if you prioritize meeting women around your age and in similar situations to you. A lot of women in their 40s and 50s find that men their age tend to focus on much younger women on the apps. A man who’s got his life together, who knows what he wants, is up front about it and is interested in meeting up with cool folks his age? That’s not only going to be uncommon, but valued. Play your cards right and I think you’ll have more activity partners (in the platonic sense) than you know what to do with. In your case, I would recommend starting with OKCupid. It’s the 500 lb gorilla of dating apps these days, but it’s also the Swiss Army knife of dating apps; it caters to a wide variety of relationship types, including seeking friends and folks who want to take things slow. Another option you may want to consider is Facebook Dating; it’s likely convenient for you already, and the demographics of Facebook these days tends to be in your favor. Again, the key is to be up front in your profile: you’re looking for companionship primarily and want to take things slow and see what develops.
However, one thing to consider is to look a little further afield, especially if you want to avoid any worries of sending the wrong message about what you’re looking for. There’re apps specifically for folks who are looking to make friends. Bumble BFF and Friender are the big ones in this field, though their target audience may skew to the young side. Another possibility is to look to non-traditional sources and be active on social networks like… well, Facebook. While I’ve been pretty up front that I think people who use Facebook, Twitter or, s--t, LinkedIn as dating apps are shooting themselves in the foot, using them to talk to folks, make friends and then see if some of those friends want to get together to do stuff is entirely within their remit. So while you may not be into joining activity groups in person, interest groups on social media might not be a bad way to meet folks in your area who would be cool to hang out with and enjoy some one-on-one time.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com