DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So let me preface this with: I think I’m pretty average. I know this and try REALLY hard to make conversations exciting and fun. I don’t get a lot of matches, so I try not to waste it with boring conversation. I have to prove I’m worth spending time with, right?
So I usually start my conversations with something fun and different, like wanting a domesticated raccoon in a support animal vest. Usually these conversations go for hours. Some have even lasted 3 days. I get pumped up, and excited. We talk about music festivals, hobbies and things we do for fun. Sometimes we’re literally messaging each other at the same time. Before we finish typing (you know, those little three dots saying someone’s typing).
Suddenly they’re gone. No more responses. I’ve showed friends my conversations and they all agree I never said anything weird or red flagged. It’s disappointing. And I’m usually bummed for an hour or two and shrug it off and move on.
Recently I messaged my friends that I was disappointed after a really great, highly engaged conversation about music went the way of the dodo. My friends and I messaged back and forth and I realized I was less hurt by being shot down and more hurt that they left me hanging. I can deal better with a flat out no, but leaving me on Read just irks me.
My friends told me I’m asking too much for a close on a conversation. But I’ve always felt it’s impolite to just leave people waiting for a period on the conversation. We got in an argument. They all teamed up on me and, maybe they didn’t mean to, but it felt like an outright attack. I refuse to talk to them about dating now (they’re all happily in marriages and relationships). \
I feel lost. Like it’s not even worth trying anymore. I feel like a window of opportunity has closed on me since I have basically no more close friends who are single to go out with.
So I guess as a TLDR:
1) Is there a place I can go where conversations might actually last? Am I asking too much for wishing people would end conversations like normal?
2) Where does one go to meet people when they’re the only single one in their circles? Do people go to bars alone? Is that weird?
Thanks in advance,
Tired of Flying Solo
DEAR TIRED OF FLYING SOLO: So, there’re a couple of things here, TFS.
The first is that if you’re consistently having conversations dry up, then the odds are good that part of the problem is that you’re taking too long to get to the dating part of “dating apps”. The point of talking to someone on a dating app is get the conversation off the app. Conversations and interactions have their own momentum, and NerdLove’s First Law is that emotional momentum fades… unless it’s acted on by an external force. That means that the longer you are chit-chatting on the app and not moving towards meeting in person, the greater the odds that the momentum and interest are going to bleed away. Especially if they’re also talking to other people on the app — folks who do ask them out on dates.
Your matches can’t go out on dates with you that you don’t invite them on TFS, so you have to make your move.
If you and your match are getting along well and having good conversations, then I highly recommend moving things along. Again, the first — and possibly easier — step is to just move the conversation off the app. This, at the very least, moves things up the intimacy ladder; it carries the implication that you’re moving towards actually meeting up in person and possibly going on a date.
The easiest way to make this happen is to say “hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you, but I find messaging on here to be frustrating/annoying/gets lost in the churn. Do you have Kik/WhatsApp/iMessage/whatever?” or “Hey, I’m probably deleting the app soon but I really like talking to you and I’d like to keep this going; I’d love to move this to text. My number is 555-55555…”
Similarly, you can also propose a pre-date date: that is, a brief meet up in person for coffee or ice cream or something. Again, the procedure for this is very simple: “Hey, I really like talking to you and I’d love to see if we’ve got chemistry in person too. I’ve got some free time between appointments/meetings/whatever; would you like to meet up for 15 minutes for coffee at the Starbucks of your choice and see if we get along?” This tends to be a relatively easy lift; in a worst case scenario, if you just don’t vibe or they aren’t who they presented themselves as, you’re out 15 minutes and the price of a grande coffee.
Now, the second thing is that yes, people just leave you hanging. It’s annoying, and it’s a pet-peeve for a lot of folks, but that’s life these days. While you can and should model the behavior you’d like to see or experience to others, ultimately, you have to to just roll with it. There really aren’t other options unfortunately; all you can do is just shake your head at it and roll on.
It’s also not worth taking personally; it happens to everyone, and it’s just part of the culture of online dating. If that’s something that drives you nuts… well, then maybe online dating isn’t for you. And hey, that’s valid!
Now as for your second question: yes, folks go to bars alone all the time. Nobody is going to notice that you’re rolling solo unless you call attention to it; people just aren’t paying that close attention to you or who you’re talking to.
However most people don’t meet their partners at bars or clubs. Most folks meet their partners either through shared activities like classes or hobbies, or through friends. And while your friends may be partnered up or married, that doesn’t mean that they can’t help you out.
First: your friends can still come hit the bars with you, even if they’re not on the hunt themselves. They can provide moral support or wing for you as needed, even if they’re not trying to get some themselves. But again: most folks don’t meet their partners at bars.
That’s why there’s a second, superior option: ask them if they’ve got any single friends that you’d get along with. Tell them that dating apps aren’t proving to be your thing and you’re looking to meet awesome folks, so if they know someone they think you’d vibe with, you’d appreciate an introduction. You can even host events — a barbecue, a house party, a backyard NERF war — that they can bring single friends to, so that it feels more organic and less “set-up-y”.
But again: you have to be willing to take the initiative here. Your friends may know you’re single, but unless you ask for what you need — in this case, help in meeting some sexy singles — they aren’t going to know that this is something you want.
Oh, and one more thing: your friends weren’t ganging up on you. They were just trying to tell you that conversations die on the vine and that’s just how folks roll these days. I get that you find it rude or kind of insulting… but it’s just how things are these days. Railing against it isn’t going to do anything other than get you worked up and more upset; the only thing you can do is accept it and try to be the change you want to see. So lead by example, TFS; maybe you can cause a new trend.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com