DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We generally communicate well and approach each other with problems and work together to solve them, in regards to both life and our relationship together. We have a healthy sex life and see each other for at least a couple hours usually once a week. When we spend time together we watch TV or movies for the most part and sometimes play games also, as we are both into gaming. We text every day. Sometimes very rarely we will go outside for an hour or so to do something different. With covid being the reality, I don’t have any issue with what we do together right now. However…
My boyfriend’s career is tech and writing focused and social media is a big part of his life, specifically Twitter. We have had multiple discussions in the past about how, since we don’t see each other as often as either of us would like, I would prefer if we could focus on each other when we spend time together and not be focused on phones or social media. He says his phone is important to him and that he has to check it frequently so he is in the know about current media. I understand that, but we only spend time together outside of work hours, and since we sit next to each other I see that he’s texting his other friends or just doing personal stuff. I don’t mind this to an extent, however it is constant. I try to let him pick shows we watch and games we play so that he will be interested in it even if I’m not really, and focused on our experience together rather than his phone and his friends he is texting.
It especially irks me because his friend he texts most often, without fail 100% of the time we get to spend time together, is one of his best friends who he used to date only a few years ago. I think being friends with an ex is possible and can be done in a healthy way for everyone involved and have no problem with he and she being such good friends, but it bothers me when we are having a discussion and he will ignore what I am saying to respond to his best friend, his ex, VERY often, at least once every time we are together. He will pretend to listen by nodding his head or agreeing, but if I ask him what I said he admits he doesn’t know and wasn’t listening.
He doesn’t try to hide his phone from me and I don’t try to look at it unless it’s right next to me in front of my face and he’s using it, so it’s not that I don’t trust him, I just want to feel like a priority. I feel like I fall far behind Twitter, his ex, and his other friends at this point. I have a lot going on in my life right now as well, my parents relationship is on the rocks, and I’ve ended a friendship recently because a friend told me he had feelings for me and that I deserved better than the relationship I was in, and honestly I felt he was right and was tempted, though I would never cheat on my boyfriend. I love him dearly. I don’t know what to do at this point, please help.
Sincerely,
Not a Priority
DEAR NOT A PRIORITY: … well s--t, this one hits a little close to home, NAP. I am admittedly, one of those folks who is almost permanently attached to his phone. This has been the subject of a lot of… well, let’s be generous and call it “serious discussions” about when I’ve been paying more attention to my phone than most things, up to and including shows I enjoy. And if you asked me, back in the day, I would’ve told you something similar to what your boyfriend said: that I needed to keep track of things, because work!
(Work taking up 75% of my time and attention didn’t help either, I might add.)
It didn’t help that notifications, badges, bings, etc. would catch my attention immediately. I used to joke that anything that I was like a t-rex; movement or noise at the edges of my vision would catch my attention like the apex predator I was…
Now this didn’t mean I wasn’t aware of how much my partners were (rightfully) irked by this… but it was still something I had a hard time managing.
And then last year, I found out that I have ADHD and suddenly a whole lot of things made sense. Up to and including why my phone was so goddamn addictive. One of the issues with ADHD is that your brain restricts your dopamine production — the chemical that it produces when you receive a particular reward or accomplishment. Novelty, in particular, is a huge source of dopamine; new experiences, information, etc. causes an increase in dopamine production. And as it turns out, smartphones — with all of its notifications, constant streams of new information and hordes of apps that promise constant stimulation — is a dopamine factory for folks with ADHD. And if your brain is usually starved for pleasure and stimulation, that constant stream of novelty and stimulation is like heroin.
Now to be clear: this doesn’t excuse my behavior and how much I’d let my phone (and before smartphones, books) get in the way of my relationships; it just changes the context of it all… and what needed to be done.
I share this information not because I think everyone has ADHD now or that it’s eternally relevant, but because it can provide some examples of just why folks get hooked on their phone. That constant stream of stimulation and novelty is a reward of sorts… but it’s also as much a way of avoiding things like boredom or troublesome thoughts or anxieties. Ironically enough, doomscrolling on Twitter and Facebook is much the same way; it’s oddly soothing to realize that your anxieties are justified and not just random s--t that your brain decided to invent for no reason.
So while I don’t think that your boyfriend necessarily has ADHD or ADD (though it’s certainly a possibility), I think it’s more likely that he’s addicted to it because it fills a particular need. Whether that need is a lowered tolerance for boredom, avoiding difficult or complex emotions or even just a way of avoiding being alone with your thoughts, he’s getting something from this behavior. The problem is that while it’s fulfilling a need, that doesn’t mean that the way it’s doing so is particularly good or useful; just because something is a solution doesn’t mean that it’s a good one. Especially if, and I’m just spitballing here, it’s coming at the expense of your relationship and making your partner feel devalued or taken for granted.
So what do you do about this?
Well, outside of addressing any mental health issues (which are outside the scope of this column; remember, Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor…), one of the things to do is to make it clear that the way he’s using his phone is hurting you. You may have told him that you want to prioritize time away from social media or screens when you’re together, but you don’t say that whether you’ve told him how this behavior is making you feel. It’s one thing to say “hey, when we’re together, I want to spend more time doing things that don’t involve phones.” It’s another entirely to say “you are making me feel disrespected and that I’m not as interesting or engaging as literally anything happening on Twitter right now.” Driving home that this is hurting you is going to be important; an annoyance is the sort of thing that can be written off as “ah, we all have quirks that the other doesn’t like.” Finding out that no, this is doing demonstrable harm to your partner and you’re relationship changes those numbers and — hopefully — encourages him to reconsider his use.
And no, “I need to be up on the latest whatever” isn’t an excuse. As someone who has the same goddamn problem, I can promise him that anything going on right this second on Twitter (or Facebook or Instagram or…) will still be going on hours later or easily findable. Hell, if he’s especially worried about “missing” something, he can set up Google alerts, saved hashtag searches and lists to make sure that he has those posts all collected in convenient places. And, likewise, unless he’s specifically waiting for something time-limited like a Mondo drop or a pre-order to open, there’s not a need to be on his phone right that second. And he can set up alerts for things that actually do need his attention right then and there.
I would start with telling him that you want him to put his phone away when you’re doing $DATE_ACTIVITY together. And not just “in his pocket” or “face down on the table” but out of easy arm’s reach… ideally with Do Not Disturb turned on. This will minimize the notifications and alerts that keep drawing his attention and ping the dopamine production centers of his brain, while still allowing for actual important calls or texts to come through, rather than just farting around in the group chat. You can even schedule a brief phone break every couple of hours or so that he can get a quick fix and clear any outstanding messages.
Again: make it clear that his behavior is affecting you and how it makes you feel. He should understand that this isn’t just you being jealous of his ex, or what have you, it’s that you are being treated like a lower priority than everyone else. And if you’re not a priority for him… then you aren’t sure why he’s even there with you. Again: this has nothing to do with jealousy and everything with the fact that his actions demonstrate that he’s putting Twitter or texting ahead of you… and there’re few things that will curdle a relationship faster than being taken for granted. Would he have acted like this when you first started dating? If the answer is no… well, then he shouldn’t be acting like this now.
With that having been said: I will say that one of the conversations to have is about exactly what it is he’s feeling and whether he’s trying to hide from those feelings by being on his phone. But those are questions that he should be asking himself; a little mindfulness and emotional intelligence goes a long way towards understanding why he’s feeling the way he feels. And recognizing that makes it much easier to get a handle on things, rather than mindlessly going back to the dopamine factory. And if he legitimately struggles with this — by which I mean “makes a good faith effort, not just enough to get you to shut up for a while” then he should seriously consider talking to someone about possible issues like ADHD. Because honestly, no amount of self-discipline makes racing thoughts or anxiety go away, nor does any amount of willpower change how your brain works on the physical and chemical level.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com