HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY ASIAN READERS WHO CELEBRATE THE LUNAR NEW YEAR: The Year of the Ox begins today. I wish a happy, healthy new year to all who celebrate this holiday. People born in the Year of the Ox are steadfast and determined, and that's no bull. -- LOVE, ABBY
Woman Frets Over Ending Her On-and-Off Relationship
DEAR ABBY: My now-ex and I had a complicated, four-year on-again, off-again relationship. I finally ended it five months ago, but I'm still not sure whether I made the right choice.
Every guy I date I compare to him. It's hard to imagine myself with anyone else. We were so similar, and we made so many plans together. Our families weren't crazy about us being together. I backed away many times because I wasn't sure of us in the long term.
Maybe it was because I'm only 22 and scared of committing forever, or because I want to be a doctor and have years of schooling ahead of me. Our relationship was always very hot and passionate, but it turned very cold and distant sometimes.
I'm confused. Did I leave for the hope of something better or a fear of commitment? Or was it because I'm young and still trying to figure out my life and felt he was holding me back? -- SECOND THOUGHTS IN ARIZONA
DEAR SECOND THOUGHTS: Your life is just beginning. If you are sincere about your desire to be a doctor, you may have to postpone other aspects of your life until you are closer to your goal. The last thing you need in the near term is the distraction of a hot and passionate/cold and distant romance.
You mentioned that you backed away "many times" because you were unsure about the two of you in the long term. Please stop tormenting yourself. When you meet Mr. Right, you won't have those second thoughts because you will know the relationship is right.
DEAR ABBY: I'm in a profession that I don't enjoy anymore, and I would love to venture into another field of interest. I have been in this industry for 10 years, and it carries a lot of stress that I'd like to rid myself of. My concern, however, is that my husband is not working, so I bear all the financial weight.
We have two kids, and he's a stay-at-home father, which is what we want for our children. We have been fortunate to be able to do this on my income alone, but I'm afraid this has obligated me to maintain a job in which I'm not happy in order to ensure my family's financial security.
How can I try to discover my passion so I can be happy in my day-to-day while keeping bills paid and food on the table? Is this even possible, or must I suck it up and do what's best for my family? -- SEEKING SOMETHING NEW
DEAR SEEKING: If you haven't already begun, start a dialogue about this with your husband. If he's willing to change the dynamic of your arrangement, the answer could be as simple as his taking a part-time job to ease some of the financial burden on you while you explore your options. I'm sorry you didn't mention how old your children are, because after COVID restrictions are lifted and they are back in the classroom, he might be able to find something during their school hours.
Estranged Mom Pushes Closer After First Grandchild's Birth
DEAR ABBY: My mother and I have never been close. We talk to or see each other five or six times a year at family functions. Honestly, I am fine with this.
I recently had a baby (her first grandchild), and suddenly she wants to come over all the time. I have tried to set boundaries (giving a day and time when she may come over), but it makes me look like a bully, and she tells people she doesn't feel welcome. My issue is she struggles with boundaries. She asks about my finances, inappropriate questions regarding my pregnancy, etc. -- topics I don't feel comfortable discussing with her.
I honestly don't view this as my problem. We barely have a relationship and haven't for a long time, so I think she should take what I am offering. I simply do not care to see a lot of her. If she wants to see the baby, I feel I must be present because her having time alone with the baby is not an option that will work. Should I feel bad that she doesn't feel welcome? -- IT'S COMPLICATED
DEAR IT'S COMPLICATED: I am sorry you weren't willing to share what caused your estrangement from your mother because it would have given me more to work with. Assuming there is a good reason for it (which I am), your mother is correct about what she's telling people. She ISN'T welcome. In fact, she's quite the opposite. If she doesn't know the reasons for it, you should make them clear to her. Because you are hearing her complaints repeated by others, feel free to explain to them the reasons. You are within your rights to set boundaries regarding your mother's visits, and you should not be made to feel guilty for doing it.
Social Media Connection to Addict Could Threaten Friend's Career
DEAR ABBY: I have known my friend "Isabella" since elementary school. When we were teenagers, we both developed medical problems. I tried to help her as much as I could, but it became clear that she was having trouble dealing with her condition. She was headed down a bad path and struggling emotionally, so we gradually grew apart.
I friended her on Facebook because I still wanted to remain friendly, but she never posted anything until recently. Now she has started posting about heavy drug use and how much it "helps" her.
I don't want to be associated with this. I'm building a career, and I don't want anyone assuming I use drugs, too. However, I want to remain friends with Isabella on Facebook, since it's our only method of communication, and I want to help her overcome this. What do you suggest? -- DISCREET HELPER IN THE SOUTH
DEAR HELPER: I'm suggesting you unfriend Isabella immediately for the reason you mentioned: the fear of guilt by association. As much as you would like to help your old friend with her addiction problem, and while you might suggest she enter a treatment program, it won't happen until she finally realizes the drugs are not only not improving her life, but preventing her from accomplishing it. From what you have written, Isabella is still neck deep in denial, and you cannot fix that.
In-Home Camera Systems Don't Sit Well With Sitter
DEAR ABBY: I enjoy babysitting for the children of family and friends. But while I have nothing to hide, I hate how everyone seems to have inside cameras. I feel like I'm in a fishbowl, like if I let their kids veg in front of the TV or the computer, I'll be judged as lazy. I also hate having my picture taken, so the idea of being on a live feed all day is off-putting.
Do I ask them to turn off the cameras, or stop babysitting? I can't be the only person who is uncomfortable being monitored all day like a caged animal. What's a good way of handling this? -- MONITORED IN OHIO
DEAR MONITORED: People usually have cameras inside their home for security reasons, and so they will have a warning or evidence in case of a break-in. Parents and pet owners enjoy peace of mind knowing they can periodically check to see how their precious angels are doing. The intent is not to spy on you.
If you feel you are being watched excessively, ask the parents how they think you are doing. Unless they complain about your performance, a good way of handling this would be to simply accept the situation, or restrict your babysitting to homes that are camera-free.
Woman Fears Having Sex Could Harm 30-Year Friendship
DEAR ABBY: I have had a crush on a man since we were in our teens. We're now in our mid-40s. Both of us ended long-term relationships about a year ago. We have stayed in contact every now and then, but only as friends -- more like family. He was best friends with my beloved late uncle.
We have decided to meet, with sex at the forefront of our thoughts. How do I prepare myself to go into this with a sex-only mind frame? Do you think this could damage our 30-year friendship? -- NERVOUS IN OREGON
DEAR NERVOUS: It has been my observation that men and women view sexual relationships differently. Women often let their emotions get involved. Men can more easily separate the two. It could absolutely damage your 30-year friendship if what he expects is a casual friends-with-benefits relationship and at some point you decide you need more from this man you have had a crush on since your teens.
DEAR ABBY: My 25-year-old daughter has stopped talking to me. She said I need counseling to discuss the abuse during her childhood. I asked, "What abuse?" She won't say! I can't think of any. She was never spanked. She was given anything she asked for and allowed to join any club or sport she was interested in.
The only thing she finally mentioned was that my husband and I had arguments. We didn't argue often. I'm at a loss. Should I step back and leave her alone? I send texts and call her once a week. Most go unanswered. When she does answer, she asks if I have started counseling. Please advise. -- CUT OFF IN INDIANA
DEAR CUT OFF: Tell your daughter that you are open to counseling, but only if it is joint counseling with her to figure out why there is such a disparity in your -- and her -- memories of her childhood. If you do, it may -- I can't guarantee -- resolve what's happening now.