DEAR ABBY: For the past few months I've been seeing a gentleman in his late 50s who lost his last girlfriend, "Vera," in a tragic accident. Her death was less than a year ago and he is still grieving, which I respect and am not uncomfortable with. My beau has low self-esteem. He thinks the relationship he had with Vera made him a better person, and that without her he will be less so.
I understand his sorrow and that he needs more time to sort through his feelings but, if things work out with us, and we continue to see each other, I want to know how I can also make him feel like I'm helping him be a better person. He says it was "just the relationship they had" and that he doesn't know how to put it into words.
I don't want to replace Vera or copy her, but I do wish I could understand what she did to help him believe positive things about himself. -- NEW GIRLFRIEND IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR GIRLFRIEND: In order to understand that, it would be helpful to see if he can explain the reason for his low self-esteem. Was it hypercritical parents? Difficulty fitting in with peers that started when he was in school? Not receiving enough positive feedback in his youth?
Once you gain more insight, you may be able to find the answers you are looking for. Both partners in a relationship should use whatever attributes they have to make each other feel positive. However, please recognize it should not be your responsibility to prop him up on a continuing basis.