DEAR READERS: Today we remember the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who was martyred in the cause of civil rights in 1968. His words ring as true today as when he first uttered them: "We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope." His was a voice of reason in a time of insanity, silenced too soon. -- ABBY
DEAR ABBY: As a way to manage my stress and anxiety when COVID hit, I started to exercise. Neither my husband, "Chris," nor I had ever been into fitness at all. As the months have gone on, I have realized the power of being healthy, and I try to exercise every day. The problem? Chris is angry. He calls it "me time" and has made it very difficult for me to go.
I tried swimming in the morning before work, but he said he couldn't manage at home to get our 2-year-old ready for school. I tried to go to the gym in the early evening, but he said he needs me to help get the children ready for bed. I tried running later at night, but it didn't feel safe, and I also had trouble falling asleep.
Abby, I don't know what to do. Last night he told me I am selfish and should move out. Can you help me? -- KEEPING MY SANITY
DEAR KEEPING: Establishing a routine of regular exercise wasn't selfish. It was the right thing to do. People have been experiencing symptoms of depression and extreme stress since this pandemic began. It is more important now than ever that you continue to take care of your physical and emotional health, and it's a shame your husband didn't do the same.
Rather than prevent you from doing what you have been doing, your husband should have praised you. Could he be jealous or threatened by what you have accomplished? That he would say something so extreme as "you should move out" was childish. (Who would look after the kids then?)
A mature approach would be for the two of you to agree upon a schedule in which he either dresses the kids in the morning OR tucks them in at night. It not only would be a lot less expensive than a divorce, but your husband might even grow to enjoy it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced father of two, both over 18. I have been dating a divorced mother of three. Her children are between the ages of 7 and 12.
We are really good together, and we would like to make a life together. The problem is, she's reluctant to let her ex-husband know about me for fear of his violent reaction (she has no lingering feelings toward him other than fear). Because of this, she doesn't want her kids to know we are romantically involved. They think I'm just a "friend." She gets defensive when I bring this up.
We have been seeing each other for a couple of years now. I love her, but I'm starting to get the feeling this will never move forward. What should I do? And how long should I wait? -- TENTATIVE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TENTATIVE: I wish you had written sooner. It appears that although the woman you're involved with is divorced, she is far from free. If she's afraid her ex will become violent if she makes her relationship with you official, and he has acted violently toward her in the past, she should contact her local police department and report it. She may also want to consider a restraining order and/or supervised visitation when he sees the children. If she is unwilling to free herself, then for your own sake, end the relationship because it will never progress.
Brother Returns to Hometown With Lots of Family Baggage
DEAR ABBY: My brother, who lives 1,000 miles away, is thinking of moving back to our hometown to be around family and "start over." I love him. He's not a bad person, but he was a terrible father. He is now a widower, and he suffers from depression.
The problem is, some of his children and adult grandchildren plan to move with him. The "children" and their children are felons, ex-cons, drug addicts, alcoholics and thieves. My brother is none of those things.
I am willing to welcome him, but my husband and I want nothing to do with his kids or grandkids. I don't trust them to be in my house. There's no way we will welcome them into our family or do whatever it is they expect of us to start a new life. I don't think it is our responsibility. My children (their cousins) want nothing to do with them, either. How do I handle this? -- STANDING FIRM IN IOWA
DEAR STANDING: Before your brother makes the move to your community, ASK him what his plans are regarding making a new start. While you're at it, inquire about what his children and grandchildren intend to do after they arrive. Listen carefully to what your brother has to say, then tell him that, because of their criminal history, you and your husband cannot comfortably entertain them in your home. Say it kindly but firmly, and do not allow yourself to be drawn into a debate about it. From your description of them, it shouldn't come as a surprise.
Wife Feels Guilty for Leaving Dying Husband at Home
DEAR ABBY: My husband of 21 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer three years ago. Our children are now adults. We had a fabulous life, lots of laughter, lots of travel, lots of friends. Then everything came to a screeching halt, and the past seems a dream. I try to remain optimistic, but his doctors have given us more bad news. Today he is not in pain, and his naps have slowed down. I work full-time, but he had to retire.
With COVID, it's hard to go anywhere with him. How do I stop feeling guilty if after work I want to go to a friend's house for an hour or two, or to dinner at an outdoor restaurant? Or a drive to clear my head? I know I'll soon be wishing I could sit on the couch and watch TV with him again, but lately, I just need to carve out a small slice of time for me. -- GUILTY IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR GUILTY: Do not beat yourself up for being human. When a beloved spouse is terminally ill, it is extremely stressful for both the patient and the caregiver. This is why it is important for your own health to allow time for yourself. How much time can vary from individual to individual, but it must be enough to rejuvenate.
Your husband needs you, but he also needs you to be your best self so you can provide physical and emotional support during this important final chapter. If you were to talk about this with him, I am sure he would tell you that I am right. If you let your conscience guide you, you won't go wrong, and you will have fewer regrets.
Communication With College Friend Is a One-Way Street
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine from college (I graduated four years ago) is incredibly kind but terrible at keeping in touch. She has never been good at responding to texts, but now that we no longer live in the same area, we don't communicate.
When she invited me to her wedding, I was surprised because when she got engaged, I reached out to congratulate her and asked for the story of the proposal, and she never responded. Her wedding reception was postponed because of COVID-19, but I watched the Zoom ceremony.
I knew it was hard on her, so I have reached out every month or so for the past four months to tell her I'm thinking of her, but she never replies. I mailed her a card for her wedding, which she also did not acknowledge. She sees my Instagram posts, and I'm connected with her sister and brother-in-law on social media, so I know no harm has come to her, and her cellphone is working.
I miss my friend, but I'm conflicted about whether I should RSVP "yes" to the postponed reception. Normally, I would assume silence means someone doesn't want to continue a friendship, but she invited me and a plus-one. Should I accept or reach out to a mutual friend to see what's going on? -- HOLDING ONTO FRIENDSHIP
DEAR HOLDING: You stated that your friend has never been good at responding. The message she's sending through her extended silence is that you are no longer as important in her life as you were before. Your geographical separation may have something to do with it.
If you would like to attend her reception -- when and if it is held -- respond affirmatively to the invitation. However, if you do, do not expect to be acknowledged for your effort because those niceties are not in her makeup.
P.S. You can stop sending the "thinking of you" messages because they are not being appreciated in the manner you would like them to be.
DEAR ABBY: I have a child with autism. He's my world, and I love him deeply. Because he has special needs, I can't afford a babysitter, so my parents watch him all the time or I cancel whatever I need to do that day.
Because my parents are my only source of babysitting, they think they don't have to listen to me. If I tell them the time I give him his medication, so don't change it, they think he needs it earlier, and they know better than I do. I'm constantly second-guessed, and if they don't agree with my decisions, they go behind my back. If I buy my son a new toy and my dad doesn't like it, he screams at me and makes me feel 2 inches tall. He was an absent father, and my mother can't relinquish control of anything.
I'm at a loss on how to handle this because I know they want what's best for my child, but so do I. As his mother, shouldn't I be able to make that decision? -- MY CHILD IN ILLINOIS
DEAR MY CHILD: Yes, you should be able to make decisions regarding your son and expect that they will be respected. However, your parents have you over a barrel, and they know it. You do not have to tolerate it. I suggest you contact the Autism Society (autism-society.org). When you do, you will be connected with a local branch for guidance and options.