TO MY READERS: Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, begins at sundown. During this solemn 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of my Jewish readers -- may your fast be an easy one. -- Love, ABBY
Plan to Move South Becomes Roadblock in Trip to the Altar
DEAR ABBY: I am a 41-year-old woman who has been with my fiance for eight years. Before we decided to become a couple, I made clear to him that if he had no intention of moving south once my kids graduate, he should not get into a relationship with me. When we got together, I assumed he understood and would be moving with me. We have bought vehicles together and a house.
Earlier this year, he took me on a cruise and proposed. Again I made it clear about my plans to move south and told him not to give me a ring if he didn't plan on going. Well, here we are all these years later, and we have been fighting because I have only a year before I can leave. Is it wrong of me to not feel bad about moving considering I made my intentions clear more than once?
It has long been my dream to move south. I believe he's on the fence about it, but I know deep down he doesn't want to. I won't feel bad leaving him behind since he knew I was going. I feel like eight years of my life have been wasted. -- FRUSTRATED IN NEW YORK
DEAR FRUSTRATED: If you two have been happy together during the last eight years, they weren't "wasted." They may simply be one more chapter in your life. Rather than fight, you and your fiance (or are the two of you married now?) need to have a calm, serious discussion about what's going to happen, because if he isn't on board for at least giving southern living a try, you two will have to separate your assets (house, cars) before you relocate. It may be less expensive emotionally and financially if you can keep things amicable.
Anxiety of the Times Leads to Sense of Impending Death
DEAR ABBY: I'm 48, about to be 49 in less than a month. I have had mostly good health, but I do have high anxiety because of some trauma from my past. With the world now in hibernation and many of my peers passing away due to illness or some other tragedy, I'm feeling very much like I could be the next to die. I'm not suicidal, but I have had "premonitions" in the past about events that later came true. For some reason, I have been feeling like I am close to death recently, and it scares me. How do I snap out of this preoccupation with death? -- STRANGE FEELINGS
DEAR STRANGE: Turn off the news! Quit reading about and listening to the body counts. They are enough to scare anyone to death. In a sense, we are all "close to death" -- it's just a question of when. You will increase your chances of survival if you pay attention to what the medical experts have been saying.
The message is simple: If you are in fragile physical condition, hunker down and limit your exposure. Stay in contact with friends by cellphone or your computer. If you are healthy and can go out for exercise or to shop, wear a face mask in the presence of others, wash your hands often and practice social distancing. However, if your anxiety persists, discuss it with your physician, who may be able to prescribe something to calm you down.
Wife Starts to Resent Man's Constant Demands for Gifts
DEAR ABBY: I feel uncomfortable receiving gifts, and I find it hard to meet my husband's requests for constant gifts, especially when I feel I already give so much. He constantly asks me to buy him things, some of which are very expensive.
I'm a saver, not a spender, and I try to watch my budget. I already pay all the household bills, even though we make the same amount of money. I owned my house before we met, and he chips in with occasional upgrades and maintenance or takes me out to dinner once in a while. But I pay for the vast majority of expenses, as well as perform the majority of chores. I have sacrificed and paid for all our vacations because I wanted the experience, and I accept that.
The problem is, he seems to feel unappreciated, suggesting that if I gifted him more often, he would know he was constantly thought of. He says he buys me random gifts -- usually small items to which there are strings attached or implied reciprocity. These requests, especially when he buys for himself quite a bit, seem like a smack in the face to me. I feel he's impulsive with purchases, and won't be happy until I have nothing left.
How do I handle meeting my husband's need for constant validation without going bankrupt or having all the love sucked out from resentment? Mentioning my financial limitations doesn't seem to quench his thirst for more. -- EXCESSIVE IN NEW YORK
DEAR EXCESSIVE: If my reading of your letter is accurate, you are doing all the heavy lifting in your marriage. What, exactly, is your husband contributing except to ask for more? Gifts are supposed to be freely given, not dispensed because they are requested.
Whether your husband is greedy, selfish or extremely needy, I can't guess, but the balance is off in your marriage. This is why I'm recommending you consult a marriage and family therapist. If your husband is willing to go with you and discuss these issues, they can be resolved. If not, please go alone so you can gain clearer insight into what (and whom) you are dealing with.
Mom Insists on Directing Seating at Family Events
DEAR ABBY: My mother likes to tell people where to sit at every family gathering. It can be anywhere, including at a restaurant or even at my aunt's house. It's annoying and feels disrespectful.
I'm 49, and my girls are in their early 20s. I try to be patient, but she doesn't consider health conditions or if someone is left-handed.
My older daughter was severely traumatized by a former neighbor and doesn't do well with strangers. A few years ago, my cousin's boyfriend came, and my mother ordered my daughter to sit next to him. It was horrible for my daughter. We tried one more time last year at a restaurant, and it was the same. Since then, we have skipped family gatherings. I don't know why she feels she has to tell us what to do. Please help. -- PUSHED AROUND IN KENTUCKY
DEAR PUSHED: Have you talked to your mother about this? She may, for whatever reason, need to feel she is in control. If she isn't hosting the gathering, this may be her way of maintaining dominance in her relationship with her sister, her children and grandchildren.
I'm not sure you can change your mother, but please don't cut yourself off from the rest of your family. If you aren't seeing them individually, please consider it.
Warring Kids Are Barriers in Couple's Relationship
DEAR ABBY: I got married to a wonderful guy 14 years ago, but after a year of marriage, our children (his 10-year-old and my 12- and 13-year-olds) couldn't stand one another and caused a lot of problems. I was brokenhearted when he gave me divorce papers. I moved out but continued to date him without our kids around.
Seven years ago, after his son moved out, I moved back in, but he won't ask me to remarry him. My kids get along fine with him, but his son hates me and refuses to come to any holiday or birthday celebration that I host.
Should I move out and move on? I feel like I have wasted 14 years of my life. -- HOPELESS IN OHIO
DEAR HOPELESS: I wish you had mentioned why this "wonderful guy's" son hates you. Could it be he blames you for the failure of his parents' marriage, or was it something else? That this man has allowed his son to dictate how the two of you will spend your lives is very sad. Unless you can accept living with the status quo (which has to be painful), the answer to your question is: Move on.
Falling-Out Between Friends Puts Loan Repayment in Question
DEAR ABBY: In 2014, I loaned a family friend $5,000. At the time, and ever since, I never asked the reason for the loan. Over time we lost touch. However, we recently reconnected and decided to go on a road/camping trip throughout the West.
Three days in, we both realized it was a poor idea to travel together for an extended period of time. He has now become quite nasty and speaks ill of me. Should I write and request payment of the loan or let it go? -- OUT OF POCKET IN VEGAS
DEAR OUT OF POCKET: If you had the forethought to put in writing the fact you were lending this person money, you have a prayer of having the loan repaid. If you didn't, you can try writing to this family (former) friend, but legally it won't be worth the paper your letter is written on. If that's the case, consider this an expensive lesson.
P.S. Because no effort was made over the last six years to repay your generosity, your road trip was doomed before it started.
Friend Never Calls Back When Conversations Are Interrupted
DEAR ABBY: I have a very good friend I've known for 18 years. Without fail, every time we're on the phone and she gets another call, she'll say, "Oh, let me call you right back," but she never does. Sometimes days will go by until I call her or she calls me, and then she acts like nothing happened.
We could be in the middle of a conversation but she doesn't call back. Or, she'll call me while she's driving somewhere and end the call when she has arrived at her destination, if she hasn't already hung up to take another call.
Is she a true friend? What should I say or do? After years of feeling unimportant in her life, it has really started to get to me lately. -- NOT FINISHED IN THE EAST
DEAR NOT FINISHED: Your longtime friend is inconsiderate. Rather than wait endlessly, call her back the same day. And when you do, tell her exactly how her lack of concern for your feelings has made you feel. Do not, however, expect her to like it, because inconsiderate people rarely do when it is pointed out to them.