DEAR ABBY: My 50-year-old estranged daughter-in-law was abused by her brother growing up, and her father defends the abuser, which upsets her no end. I'm friendly with her father because he has been nice to me, and this revelation was news to me.
My daughter-in-law sent an email to me and others saying how hurt she is. I would like to respond, but since I'm friendly with her father, I'm not sure what to say. I want to tell her I am deeply sorry for her having been abused because it is extremely traumatic. Do you have any advice for me?
I love my son and his family, and I don't understand how things got this way between us. They no longer speak to me or let me (or my wife) have a relationship with my grandchildren, whom we love very much. -- HURT FATHER-IN-LAW IN TEXAS
DEAR HURT: It is not surprising that your son and daughter-in-law are now estranged from you and don't want you around their children. Things got this way because you placed as high a priority on your friendship with the father who defends her abuser as you did on your relationship with your daughter-in-law. While you understand that what happened to her was traumatic, you seem unable to grasp just how painful it has been for her. By siding with the wrong person because he was nice to you, you have intensified her trauma.