DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I add my prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. -- ABBY
Man Has Nonchalant Attitude About Locking Up at Night
DEAR ABBY: My husband has a bad habit of forgetting to lock up our house at night when he's the last one to come to bed. On nine occasions I have gone downstairs after he's in bed or awakened in the morning to find our sliding patio door or a garage door unlocked.
I cannot understand why this isn't a priority for him. If I'm the last one to come up for the night, I make sure each door is locked, lights are off, etc. It takes me less than a minute. We live in a suburb, and while our neighborhood is relatively safe and quiet, I'm not naive. I realize anything can happen anywhere.
We have two large dogs, but I have no idea how they'd react to an intruder. Frankly, I don't want to find out the hard way. The most frustrating thing about this is, when I try to talk to him about it the next day, he blows it off and says our dogs would never let anyone get far, or he makes a joke about it. I've tried many different approaches, from being calm and sweet to solutions-focused: "How can I help you remember?"
Recently, likely because I'm 37 weeks pregnant with our second child, I lost it and chewed him out after I waddled out of bed to go downstairs and found our sliding door unlocked. Needless to say, it didn't work very well.
I'm at my wits' end. It was one thing when it was just the two of us, but now we're about to have two kids under 2, and I get furious thinking he could be putting all of us in danger. He has taken no responsibility or steps toward fixing this.
I have now reached the conclusion that when I'm home, I must be the one who assumes the responsibility of ensuring our home is secure before we go to bed. But what if I fall asleep early or if I have to travel for work? Any ideas on how to address this with him? -- LOSING SLEEP OVER THIS
DEAR LOSING: You have already addressed this with your husband. That he is so careless about the safety of his wife and children is shocking. He appears to be very immature.
Because he seems incapable of assuming any responsibility for locking up, you are going to have to do it. There are high-tech ways to remotely lock doors from afar, and you should explore that option.
Also, for your own peace of mind, have a professional dog trainer or other experienced dog person enter your home through the unlocked door while you and your husband are upstairs because, while the dogs might not attack a stranger, they might alert you to the presence of an intruder. I suggest this because many years ago my very tame German shepherd did exactly that.
DEAR ABBY: Due to the coronavirus epidemic, handshaking is no longer being practiced. I have never been a fan of handshaking anyway. In the future, it may be acceptable to forgo handshaking altogether. What will be the best way to avoid it without seeming unfriendly or germophobic? -- RESISTING IN MINNESOTA
DEAR RESISTING: Try doing what I do. I place both palms together in front of my chest as though praying, smile and greet the person. No one has been offended by it, and it's a common way people greet each other in India.
Stepmother-To-Be Is Happy Leaving Parenting to Parents
DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a younger man with a 10-year-old son from his first marriage. My two daughters are grown.
My fiance and I have talked at length about my role in his son's life after we're married. The boy's mother will have him full-time; my fiance will continue to do his part as far as picking his son up from school, taking him to baseball practices and his baseball games, taking him to movies, etc.
I have been told he and his ex will continue to co-parent, and I will not have to be responsible in any way for this child. I have no problem with this. In my opinion, the boy's parents have the right to raise him as they please. Plus, as an older woman, I'm relieved I won't have to be responsible again for a child at my age. To me, this is a win-win, but my daughters think it is odd. Who is right? -- HANDS OFF IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HANDS OFF: You are. That boy is lucky to have responsible parents who are able to cooperate with each other in raising him. Your daughters are entitled to their opinions, of course, but you are also entitled to yours. Ignore them.
DEAR ABBY: I went to the grocery store today. I was wearing a mask and careful to keep my social distance. The store employees were also wearing masks and keeping their distance.
An older woman stood in front of the chicken for at least 10 minutes. When she finally moved aside, I went over to put some in my cart. She came back and gave me a lecture on which chicken was the best deal. I was horrified. I know she was trying to be friendly, but at this time of social distancing, the best way to be friendly is to give people their space in public!
This scenario seems to happen every time I go to the store. What's the best thing to say to these people? -- TRYING TO KEEP SAFE
DEAR TRYING: The woman may have forgotten for a moment what the new rules are. The best thing to say in that situation would be, "Thank you, but please, for your health and mine, step back and keep your distance."
Inspirational Words Are Valuable Reminders in Uncertain Times
DEAR ABBY: I read the "Definition of Maturity" in your column a while ago, and I would like to share a clipping I have been saving since the 1960s. It's from the Archdiocesan Council of Catholic Women Newsletter and titled, "A Short Course in Courtesy."
"The SIX most important words: 'I admit I made a mistake.' The FIVE most important words: 'You did a good job.' The FOUR most important words: 'What is your opinion?' The THREE most important words: 'If you please.' The TWO most important words: 'Thank you.' The ONE most important word: 'We.' The LEAST most important word: 'I.'"
The clipping is disintegrating on my fridge, but the saying has provided a life lesson I've lived by. In these times of uncertainty, it's a good reminder of how to treat others. -- N.Y. TRANSPLANT IN S.C.
DEAR N.Y. TRANSPLANT: I agree with the philosophy expressed in the item you shared. It is something to inspire us. Thank you for writing.
Parents Strive to Heal Their Youngest Son's Broken Heart
DEAR ABBY: My son, a high school senior, was in a relationship with a young woman who broke up with him and began dating his best friend. He was heartbroken. She played him into being friends and tells him he's her best friend, but her actions prove otherwise.
His father and I comforted him as best we could, but he still has feelings for her. It was a tough breakup for him, and he says he can't understand why he feels this way for her. We as parents are having a hard time keeping our opinions to ourselves. We are not happy with him still being around her and try to discourage it as much as possible.
We all attend the same church, from which I've offered to remove myself, but my son says no. We limit the time he gets to be around her, but she has begun flaunting other dates in front of him, which is making it hard for us to be cordial toward her.
How can I help my boy heal his heart and move on? He's my youngest, the last one ready to venture out to college, and I want him to have a fresh start for the new journey. -- HEAVY-HEARTED MOM
DEAR MOM: Some lessons in life people must learn for themselves, and this is one of them. As much as you wish to help your son heal his heart, he's going to have to arrive at the realization that there's more pain than pleasure associated with the girl who rejected him. That is when he will move on, not before.
College will provide him an opportunity to meet new people and cultivate new interests. Being in a new environment will also help. In the meantime, be patient, refrain from saying anything nasty (as tempting as it might be) about his former girlfriend and keep your son as busy as you can.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to the same woman for 34 years. We have raised two great kids. The problem is, my wife does not show, respond to or initiate any affection or intimacy. I understand she has been through menopause, but is this the new normal? For me it is a lonely, cold existence. Most nights she won't even share the same bed with me. She also does not respond well to talking about things. Must I live the rest of my life this way? -- ROOMMATE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR ROOMMATE: Your problem is less about the lack of affection and intimacy in your marriage and far more about the lack of communication your wife allows you to have with her. If a problem can't be discussed, there is no way to arrive at a solution or a compromise.
If you haven't told her how lonely and isolated you feel, start there. What's happening is not fair to you. This is something that should be discussed with her doctor because there may be a medical solution if sex is painful for her.
However, if it is more complicated than that, recognize that you need more help than I can give you in a letter or a newspaper column, and ask your doctor or insurance company to refer you to a licensed marriage and family therapist for the answers you are seeking. If your wife refuses to go with you, go without her.
TO MY MUSLIM READERS: It is time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr, everyone. -- ABBY