DEAR READERS: I want to wish a very Happy Mother's Day to mothers everywhere -- birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren and dual-role dads. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not only today, but also each and every day. -- LOVE, ABBY
Girlfriend Shares Matching Rings With Married Man
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married more than 40 years, but we have lived separately in a house and guesthouse on jointly owned property for the last 10. We split bills and communicate only when necessary via text.
I am somewhat afraid of him and try to distance myself from him and his friends and family. He has been involved with multiple women and men throughout our marriage, but when I have tried to end our marriage, he has pushed me to remain.
He is currently openly involved with a woman he has "dated" for many years. Several acquaintances recently informed me that the two of them are sporting matching wedding bands. I don't really care, but I don't want any further humiliation. I feel like a sword is hanging over my head. What can I do? -- ARRANGEMENT IN THE EAST
DEAR ARRANGEMENT: What you can do is contact an attorney. Tell the attorney exactly what you have told me -- that you and your husband haven't cohabited in a decade, that he and his longtime girlfriend are purporting to be married and wearing matching wedding bands, that you want a divorce, but you are afraid of his reaction. The lawyer can guide you from there. Please don't wait.
Woman With Genital Herpes Is Reluctant to Disclose It
DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who has had genital herpes since I was in my 20s. I'm single and in my 60s now. I have always disclosed that I have it and that I treat it daily with medication that suppresses the virus. I have never infected anyone -- including my former husband and boyfriends. I do not have outbreaks.
I am often rejected by the men I disclose this to. It is demeaning and painful and makes me feel dirty, which I am not. I'm tired of it. Must I continue to disclose it? I know for sure that I am not passing it on. I haven't given it to anyone in 40-plus years. -- REJECTED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR REJECTED: Tempting as it may be to fudge the truth, I think you should continue to be honest about your status. If you lie and the person you are involved with finds your medication, the relationship will be over anyway.
I don't know if you have considered this, but have you thought about dating men who also have herpes? A website that has been mentioned in my column before is H-date.com. If you meet someone there, you know you won't be judged. It offers a free dating service through which thousands of men and women meet. Many very nice, eligible people -- people just like you -- have herpes and live full, happy lives.
Insensitive Question Leaves Grieving Mother Speechless
DEAR ABBY: My daughter unexpectedly died very recently. A "friend" called today asking how I was doing (quarantine, food, pet food, etc). Then she asked me the most unnerving question: "Do you have 'June' with you?" I was floored. So many thoughts came rushing at me at once. June was disabled since birth. She went to live in a group home nine years ago. The friend knew I brought her home for weekends.
After I didn't speak for several minutes, she asked in an annoyed tone, "Well, did you go get her ashes or not?" (As if having her ashes with me was a comfort? It isn't!) Abby, I didn't know what to say. Her question slammed me against the wall. I mumbled a response, said I had to go and hung up.
I'm trying to make myself believe she meant nothing but concern, but I can't seem to make myself believe that the words she used weren't purposely cruel. My warm feelings for her have changed to something ugly. I'm still gasping. Your thoughts? -- GRIEVING MOTHER
DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Let's give the woman a perfect 10 on the insensitivity meter. She was tactless, but she may not have meant to be unkind. My thought is that you handled the situation as well as you could since her question left you understandably flat-footed. However, I would have answered her differently. I would have responded, "Why do you ask?" and let her explain herself.
Childhood Bullying By Sister Continues Into Adulthood
DEAR ABBY: My older sister bullied me from the time our parents divorced. I was in elementary school, and she was in middle school. We are now adults and retired. Her form of bullying now is to exclude me. It started with announcing to me that I was adopted and progressed to saying in front of me, "Let's have a family reunion" and not inviting me.
When our father died, she was his executor. She showed the will to my sisters, but would not allow me to see it. Yes, I was in the will as an equal. She told the attorney I was a granddaughter, which I caught and corrected.
When I told my oldest sister my feelings were hurt, she accused me of being jealous and blocked me on social media. It's hard to disengage because I have no other family, but I keep busy in other social circles. I was unable to have kids, and the one child I adopted is busy working in another state, so it's just my husband and me now.
I tried for years to be nice and to contribute as much as possible. I know I have done nothing wrong. I have searched my soul to see why I deserve this treatment. I don't! Should I just let go of my family since at least two of my three sisters seem to want to let go of me? -- LEFT OUT IN FLORIDA
DEAR LEFT OUT: Yes, you should. Disengaging from the emotionally abusive sisters who treat you cruelly would be healthy for you. Maintain a relationship with the one who is open to it.
I have advised more than once in this column that sometimes it's necessary to create a family of one's own if circumstances prevent a normal relationship with a person's birth family. You and your husband should continue branching out socially. I predict that once you move in that direction, you will be far happier than you are today.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Recipe for Disaster in Texas" (Feb. 17), I have to say I disagreed with your response. Although Michelin won't be awarding me any stars, I consider myself a good cook, and I strive to make unique, flavorful meals for my family. My husband frequently feels the need to doctor my recipes, and I think it's disrespectful of the time and care I took in preparing the meal.
He insists on combining ingredients that don't belong together. He puts cheddar cheese on spaghetti Bolognese and ranch dressing on chicken teriyaki. He knows this isn't appropriate, and he would never ask for this modification in a restaurant.
"Recipe" should learn to appreciate that his wife is preparing meals for him. If he can do better, he can take over the cooking. -- FLAVOR QUEEN OF NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR QUEEN: I enjoyed the responses to that letter about a husband reseasoning his wife's gourmet meals to her distinct displeasure. Some of the online comments made me chuckle, so I'll share them, too. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: While I was in the military, it was normal to add salt, pepper and ketchup to everything without tasting it first. The habit has followed me for 50 years, no matter where I am. I tell the host that it's normal for me and to not take it personally. Mac 'n' cheese needs ketchup; veggies, potatoes, eggs and watermelon need salt; most everything else needs pepper. For me to taste something, it has to burn my tongue. -- VIETNAM VET IN MISSOURI
DEAR ABBY: That wife sounds like an oversensitive control freak. Personally, I can't handle peppers, but I do like lots of cheese and sour cream on my enchiladas. My wife, who does the majority of the cooking, knows my preference, so she does me the honor of putting more of that on my enchiladas. I also like to dip my fries into mayo instead of ketchup, so she obliges. This is what we do for people we love. We don't threaten, "My way or the highway, Bub!" -- G.S. IN ABBYLAND
DEAR ABBY: I laughed when I was told to substitute "healthy" plain yogurt for sour cream. It never tasted anything like sour cream to me. Then I got some Greek yogurt and realized it works just as well. (It's an excellent protein source, and many older adults need more as we age.) Now I add plenty without feeling guilty. -- ONLINE LOVER
DEAR ABBY: My husband jokes that he has Mexican taste buds but a white guy stomach. Thank heavens we have separate bathrooms. -- C.K. ON THE NET
DEAR ABBY: I know when my husband gets out the Tabasco that the meal is not quite to his liking. I don't usually mind, because I don't cook just for him. I cook for the entire family. (And, just for reference, he thinks I'm an amazing cook.) -- P.M. ON THE WEB
DEAR ABBY: Oh, yes -- Tabasco sauce. My dad had so much of it in his lifetime, he should have been McIlhenny's pitchman. I can see the ad now:
Announcer: What do YOU have Tabasco with?
Man: I have it with chili!
Woman: I have it with eggs!
My dad: I have it with a straw.
-- "ABBDICT" A.C.