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by Abigail Van Buren

Man's Low Ambition Casts Shadow on Couple's Future

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a great guy for a year and a half. He's funny, smart, and when he comes to my house, he washes my dishes and plays with my son. He is attentive, and he cooks for me. He is always buying me little things like a desk coffee heater because he knows I love hot coffee, or smart bulbs that create cool colors in the living room. He's a super fun guy, and he often leaves sweet little notes around the house for me.

The downside is, he has zero ambition, zero motivation and no life goals. We are in our early 30s, and I'm a professional with my own home. He lives in a small room in a house with two housemates. His job pays very little, but although he has few responsibilities, he has been very slow to look for other jobs.

Abby, I have talked to him about our future. We both want to be together, but I told him I am not going to support him. We want to move in together, but he needs to be more financially stable. He needs to be my equal.

When we spoke, he agreed with me and the fact that he can do better. He promised he would be looking, but I have been waiting months to see a change in him and -- nothing. Should I wait for him? Should I talk to him again? I want so much more, and I am not sure he can deliver. I don't want to stay just because my son loves him so much. What should I do? -- HOPELESSLY VEXED

DEAR HOPELESSLY: I understand your position. You seem to want the whole package, and from what you have written, this person is not it. You should not have to support him, and he shouldn't expect it.

It appears that while the two of you care for each other, he simply cannot summon up the motivation to make the effort to better himself financially. Could you accept this in the long run? Is the status quo what you want forever? Bear in mind, if this man moves in, it will prevent you from finding a partner who is your equal in all ways.

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