DEAR READERS: Today we remember the birthday of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred in the cause of civil rights. In that time of insanity, his was a voice of reason when he eloquently preached, "Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend."
Mom Regrets Her Marriage Set a Poor Example for Kids
DEAR ABBY: I married someone who turned out to be very abusive and controlling of me and the kids. I felt powerless to leave with them because of the emotional control, and I had no way to make a living to support them.
They are all adults now, and three of them have been in unhealthy relationships. I know their example of a good marriage or a long-term relationship was awful because of how their father treated me. I live with the guilt and pain of that, but beyond that, seeing three of my four kids in similar abusive relationships is painful.
When two of my girls reach out to me when things are not going well, I'm supportive and I try to be helpful. I guess my question is, given my example of an unhealthy marriage, will any advice I give them fall on deaf ears? Should I just listen? I don't feel like anything I say will help. -- UNHAPPY MOM IN THE SOUTH
DEAR UNHAPPY MOM: Of course you should listen, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't also weigh in on what is happening to them. It could be very helpful if you point out to them that what they witnessed while growing up was not normal -- and explain what IS acceptable behavior in an adult relationship.
You might also apologize for not being stronger earlier on, and explain that their father had eroded your self-esteem to such an extent that you were paralyzed. If their experiences mirror your own, point that out, too, and offer them the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233). If you do, it might not only open their eyes, but also give them the escape they need.
Significant Others Are Not Welcome at Siblings' Get-Togethers
DEAR ABBY: My siblings and I have always enjoyed spending quality time together, and every eight to 10 weeks or so we get together for "Siblings Day." There's no set schedule or particular date; one of us will call the others and say, "I need some siblings time." (There are five of us, all over 60.) Sometimes we meet at one of our homes and play board games or cards, or dance in the living room and enjoy the laughter that comes with it. It's a time when we just enjoy being family.
Our brother's lady friend, a very nice person, has arrived, uninvited, the last three times we have gotten together. Talk about a party-pooper. We have explained, as graciously as we know how, that these times are very important to us. Our brother has asked her to please allow us this time for family, but she just laughs and says it's silly for grown people to be so needy of each other. (She has six siblings who live close by and with whom she keeps in contact.)
We all love each other and are aware that life is truly short and that we are very lucky to still have this close bond when so many families do not. Can you suggest what we can do to make her understand what this time together means to us and that she is the ultimate uninvited guest? -- JUST THE SIBS IN LOUISIANA
DEAR SIBS: What gall! Your brother's girlfriend does not have the right to judge your family spending time with one another as "silly." It's the height of rudeness. Please point out to him that her behavior is an important red flag for him to consider. The next time she drops by uninvited, your brother should put his foot down and not let her intrude.
Family Has Trouble Accepting Parents' Move to Warmer Clime
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I relocated to a warmer climate a few years ago, putting us more than 1,000 miles away from my adult children. The kids all seem to think this trip was just for fun, and continue to ask me to "come home."
All three of them are busy with their own well-rounded lives, and the last few years we were there, their visits became less frequent and shorter. We are now in a state that is much more economical than our home state, and our health and well-being have greatly improved. How do I let them know, once and for all, that I AM home? -- LOVING THE SOUTHWEST
DEAR LOVING THE SOUTHWEST: A way to let them know would be to explain that the move has been a positive experience for you and your husband, so much so that your health has improved. Tell them the added bonus is that your living expenses have gone down, and with them, any stress about finances.
Let them know they are welcome to visit when it's convenient for all of you. But do NOT make it about the fact that when you lived close by, their visits became fewer and shorter, which would be regarded as a guilt trip. If you have other friends and relatives where your children live, it's likely you may be visiting that area occasionally, too.
Custody Battle Could Have Repercussions at Family Get-Togethers
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently gained custody of my younger half-brother after a nasty legal battle with my father and stepmother. While we abhor what led to this, we are delighted my brother is in our home and our lives. With the exception of his parents, so is everyone else in our families.
My brother will be coming with us to family gatherings that include my dad and stepmother. Most of the family is not privy to the circumstances that led to this situation, and I'm sure questions will come up. My brother has PTSD from it, and talking about it right now is difficult for him. He's in therapy and receiving help, but how can we dissuade potentially upsetting questions without things being weird? -- PROTECTIVE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PROTECTIVE: A way to accomplish it would be to have a private talk with your relatives before these events. Explain what happened and that your brother is receiving help but is in too much pain right now to answer any questions, which is why you prefer the subject not be mentioned.
Change in Spelling Solves Problem of Woman's First Name
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "Not Just Mary, in the South" (Nov. 10), the lady whose name is Mary Lou but is continually called only Mary, even though she prefers being called by her full name. I had the same problem.
My name is Mary Ann, but I was constantly called Mary, which I hated. To solve the problem, I combined the names and started writing my name as one word -- Maryann. Since then, I have never again been called Mary.
By the way, when I also had to give the initial of my middle name, because the "A" was no longer available, I started using "B," which is the first letter of my maiden name. Mary Lou should try this, and I hope it is as effective for her as it was for me. -- MARYANN IN TENNESSEE
DEAR MARYANN: I'm printing your letter because it included the most frequently mentioned suggestion by other readers, and also because it makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing.
Girlfriend's Birthday Bouquet Arrives in Shabby Condition
DEAR ABBY: Is there a delicate way for me to tell my boyfriend not to use the same online floral delivery service again? The birthday bouquet he had delivered to me arrived with limp, wilted, torn petals and leaves and broken stems. It was one of those box-of-flowers deliveries.
I doubt my boyfriend realized they would not arrive in a vase and arranged by a florist. Instead, they had been packed in a box, without water, with the vase packed alongside, delivered by a regular package courier.
I usually send him a photo of my bouquet along with my heartfelt thanks, and while I thanked him as usual, I did not send a picture of the bouquet because I knew he would feel bad -- both about the lackluster arrangement, and the money he had spent on them.
I found what I believe was the intended arrangement on the website, and it was lovely -- a far cry from what was delivered to me. I love my twice-a-year flowers (birthday and Christmas), and I don't want to come across as critical or ungrateful. I am blessed to have such a thoughtful partner.
If flowers were just a one-time gift, I would not even consider mentioning it. However, with Valentine's Day (and another flower delivery) approaching, I wonder if I should let my boyfriend know that it might be better to use a local florist to ensure he is getting his money's worth. Or should I just cross my fingers that it was a one-off? -- UNGRATEFUL GIRLFRIEND
DEAR "UNGRATEFUL": Tell your boyfriend why you didn't send him a photo of the flowers he sent as you usually do. He has a right to know, and it will not make you appear ungrateful. He may be able to get a refund if the order was mishandled and he had ordered an arrangement in a vase. And if the vendor is not forthcoming, he may choose to deal with a different one next time. Please give him the option.
Woman Works to Overcome Depression While Friend Fails to Cope
DEAR ABBY: I'm one half of a female best friend duo in our early 30s. We both live with clinical depression, and my friend also has ADHD. During most of our 20s, neither of us did a good job of coping with these issues, but we were able to laugh it off together. Now, after putting in a lot of work, I'm finally in a healthy place, and I intend to continue getting better from here.
My best friend, however, is managing her own mental health as poorly as ever. She doesn't have the interest or the motivation to help herself the way I have, and she resents when others try to talk to her about it. I sense she wishes I was like I used to be.
I'm starting to feel like being around her is no longer healthy for me, but I don't know what to do. I don't have many other friends. I live out of state from my family, and I still love her dearly. How should I proceed? -- SELF-HELPER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SELF-HELPER: Proceed by continuing to move forward. If you seek out new activities, you will meet more people with common interests. Do not drop her. Call her periodically to check in, and make a point of inviting her to join you in some of your new interests. However, if she refuses, do not let it deter you from doing what you must to aid in your healing. I congratulate you for finding the strength to get the help you needed.