CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60 years old. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres
Husband Won't Defend Wife From Shunning by His Family
DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old woman, married to the love of my life for seven years. Three years ago, my husband's cousin and her mother told him they didn't like me and didn't want me around. I only found out about it two years ago.
I feel humiliated, and it's uncomfortable for me to be around any of them now. I don't get invited most of the time, and that's OK with my husband! I want him to address and resolve it, but he hasn't and won't. In addition, we have had some major marital issues.
I want him to stand up for me, for us and for our marriage. I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel like I'm being punished because he won't take a stand. He and his family have swept the whole thing under the rug for so long that neither of us knows what to do next. Please kindly advise. -- CAST ASIDE IN TEXAS
DEAR CAST ASIDE: You say you and your husband have had major marital issues. Did the two of you receive counseling to resolve them, or were they, too, swept under the rug? I think some sessions with a licensed marriage and family counselor might be helpful.
I am not saying your husband should fight your battles for you, but ignoring this problem is not helping your marriage. He has to find the courage to tell these relatives that if they have a problem with you, they should address it with you. If he doesn't, you should approach them directly.
He should have told his aunt and his cousin the two of you are a team three years ago. If he doesn't have enough starch in his spine to do that, it will eventually destroy your marriage.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Marcus," and I recently adopted an adorable rescue puppy, "Daisy." She was supposed to be mostly my boyfriend's dog because I work a demanding full-time job, and I have a cat that lives with us. Marcus has always been a dog person, but I enjoy them, too.
The problem is, Daisy has taken a liking to me. When I'm home, she follows me everywhere. I suspect, due to her behavior, that she may have been mistreated by men previously, but nonetheless, Marcus is extremely hurt. He won't take her outside if I'm home, and he doesn't try to play with her or train her. Every time she rejects him in any way, he takes it personally.
We signed Daisy up for a puppy training class. He participated for about five minutes before giving up and handing me the leash during the first lesson. How do I get my boyfriend to stop taking our puppy's behavior so personally? I should note, we went through this when my cat didn't like him at first, but they are on good terms now. -- PET PROBLEM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR PROBLEM: It has been my experience that dogs respond more positively to the person who regularly feeds, exercises and plays with them and shows them affection, than to a partner who remains passive. The more Marcus withdraws from Daisy, the more pronounced her attachment to you will become. Urge him to discuss this with the dog trainer, so perhaps the situation can be put right.
Caveat: If this is the way your boyfriend reacts to perceived rejection, I'd think twice about starting a family with him if I were you.
New Job Triggers Memories of Violent Sexual Assault
DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, I was working as a certified nursing assistant in a nursing home. One day, I decided to stay beyond my usual evening shift into the night shift, as I had a few times before. While working the night shift, I was violently sexually assaulted by a fellow CNA. The incident caused me to be so traumatized that I quit that job within the next few days.
Although I reported the co-worker to my boss, they did next to nothing about it. I also reported him to the police, but as far as I know, nothing has been done. I moved on to doing in-home care and then to an assisted living facility.
I have recently taken a higher-paying CNA position in another nursing home. This nursing home has so many similarities to the former one that I find myself having anxiety attacks, flashbacks and the feeling of constantly having to watch my back. I'm extremely uncomfortable here and constantly feel afraid to go to work. My husband has a hard time understanding the effects of such a traumatizing event, so I have a difficult time getting sympathy from him.
I really want to quit this job. I'm under so much mental and emotional stress that I feel like it's ruining me. At the same time, we need the money, and I wonder if I should just push through and stick with it. If I quit, I'm afraid my husband won't fully understand why I couldn't just stay at the job, and it may cause conflict as well as financial stress. Should I quit and find a place that's less of a trigger or stick it out? -- WORN DOWN IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WORN DOWN: You should have received counseling after your assault to help you get past these triggers, which even if you quit this job may continue to occur in other environments. Before making this decision, please consult a licensed therapist who specializes in treating patients who suffer from PTSD.
Although my impulse is to advise you to quit "stat," because of your husband's inability to understand what you have gone through, a mental health professional may be able to help him understand why you may need to work in in-home care or an assisted living facility rather than for this employer.
DEAR ABBY: After 47 years of friendship, my friend ghosted me. This had never happened before, so I was left feeling very confused and sad. A year later, I accidentally dialed her number, and she answered. We talked as if no time had passed.
She told me I had hurt her feelings. It wasn't intentional, and I apologized. Some time later, she told me she'd call me back, but she didn't. I clearly recall our last conversation, and I didn't say anything that would've hurt her.
It has been two years, and I haven't attempted to contact her since. Should I reach out to her again or consider this friendship over? -- HURTING, TOO, IN DALLAS
DEAR HURTING: This friendship has run its course, for whatever reason. However, abrupt changes in personality and behavior can be a symptom of serious illness in older people. In light of the fact that you have known this woman for nearly 50 years, and you still care about her, you might want to check with one of her relatives to be sure she's all right.
Late-Night Surprise Damages Dad-and-Daughter Relationship
DEAR ABBY: My 20-year-old daughter recently caught me "actively engaged" in watching porn. I tried to do it late at night when I thought everyone was asleep. My daughter now thinks I'm a pervert.
Her mother raised her with conservative beliefs about any expression of sexuality. I'm worried about her ability to make a future marriage work, and I want the wonderful relationship we shared back. Some people have suggested that as she matures and becomes more aware of the real world, she'll come around. But I'm a relatively old 58 to have a child her age, and I don't want to wait until I'm gone for her to "come around." What can I do? -- MISSING MY BABY GIRL
DEAR MISSING: Your baby girl isn't a baby; she's a young adult woman. Most individuals are uncomfortable with the idea of their parents as sexual beings despite the glaring evidence to the contrary. She may have reacted the way she did because she was embarrassed by what she saw.
Do not broach the subject of what her marriage may be like if and when she marries, because it's really her affair, not yours. Apologize for the unfortunate turn of events, and use this as an opportunity to be more careful in the future.
DEAR ABBY: Recently, a good friend invited me along on a six-night trip to Waikiki. We shared the same hotel room. He slept in the king-size bed; I slept on the pull-out sofa in the living room area.
I ended up getting bed bugs and figured out where I got them from when I got back to my apartment in Los Angeles. When I told my friend what happened, he immediately said he didn't want to be involved or be a part of this. Then he began emailing and texting me saying that if I filed a claim, he would be banned by the hotel chain and lose his gold member points. Then he began blaming me and asked how I knew I didn't get them from a movie theater or maybe the airplane or even a well-known coffee chain I go to. Now he won't return my phone calls, emails or text messages. I am shocked and feel hurt and confused. -- BITTEN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BITTEN: I understand why you are shocked and hurt, but please don't be confused. Your former good friend values his gold membership status more than he does your friendship, which speaks volumes about his priorities. While he isn't wrong that you could have picked up the bedbugs on the plane or in a movie theater -- bedbugs are all over the place and hard to get rid of -- if he was a true friend, he wouldn't be ghosting you now.
Call the hotel and explain what happened. Give them the room number so they can investigate and possibly prevent another guest from having the same experience you did.
Too Much Truth Could Hurt Friends Who Haven't Aged Well
DEAR ABBY: I am 70 years old. Because of a combination of good luck, good genes and years of exercising and eating right, I look OK for my age. Many of my friends have not been so fortunate and haven't aged well.
When I see someone that I haven't seen in a long time, often they will say, "You look great." Can you please give me a good reply? I say, "Thank you," but that doesn't seem to be enough. "You look great, too" seems inappropriate. Please help. -- GOOD RESPONSE IN THE SOUTH
DEAR GOOD RESPONSE: Instead of "You look great, too," try this: "Oh, my. You're a sight for sore eyes! How long has it been?"