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by Abigail Van Buren

'Ideal Man' Refuses to Free Himself for Second Marriage

DEAR ABBY: I spent the past 11 years in an emotionally and physically abusive on-again, off-again relationship. I finally got out and am very proud of myself for doing it.

I am now deeply in love with an amazing new man. He is everything I prayed for -- the whole deal. There is only one problem: He's married.

I knew he was married, but, Abby, the marriage was phony. The girl used him to become a legal U.S. citizen. She's now back in her home country, apparently "married" and has a family with someone else, but my boyfriend is still married to her.

I don't know the whole legalities, but he still isn't filing for divorce, even though he's constantly telling me he will. I have been with him for almost three years now, and I'm tired of wasting my time. I have never been married, and he married this woman less than a year after meeting her.

He keeps telling me how "full of myself" I am, and/or that I have nothing to worry about. But I'm not getting any younger, and this man is truly my ideal man. I have tried giving him ultimatums, but we get into arguments that last for hours, and we end up in circles all over again. Help! -- ANXIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ANXIOUS: If the life you want includes marriage and children, by now you should realize your "ideal man" is not prepared to give you what you need. He's using the "phony" marriage -- if it even exists -- to avoid making a commitment to you, and talking circles around you (filibustering!) so he can maintain the status quo. I'm pretty sure you already know what you have to do, as painful as it may be in the short term. Do it now so you won't be writing me in another three years with the same problem.

Read more in: Abuse | Love & Dating