TO MY MUSLIM READERS: A happy Eid-al-Fitr, one and all!
Escalating Violence Is Signal for Wife to Leave Relationship
DEAR ABBY: My husband has always had anger issues. Recently, they have progressed from targeting inanimate objects to targeting me.
A few weeks ago, when he got upset, he punched the navigation screen in my car out. Then he proceeded to grab my hair and slammed my head into the car window (it didn't break, but my head hurt for more than a week).
He apologized later, but I can't forgive him. Maybe I never will. What's worse, I haven't been able to bring myself to leave and don't really know how to. Is this behavior a deal breaker? -- STUCK IN MINNESOTA
DEAR STUCK: Yes, this is absolutely a deal breaker. Do not minimize what he did to you. I'm sorry you didn't go to the emergency room after it happened.
Each time your husband attacks will be worse -- increasingly so -- until he maims or kills you. For your safety you must get out of there, and the sooner the better. For directions on how to safely make your exit, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free phone number to call is 800-799-7233 or visit thehotline.org and a counselor there will direct you.
Dad Has Little Sympathy for Daughter Afraid of Dogs
DEAR ABBY: My 5-year-old daughter, "Maude," is afraid of large dogs. In the past, my husband has publicly scolded her when she cowered away from them.
A friend of our family has a dog that Maude is especially hesitant around, and my daughter recently confided that she no longer wants to go over to this friend's house because of it. She made me promise not to tell her father why. When I told him privately about our conversation, he rolled his eyes and accused our daughter of having a "weak" mentality. Is he being unreasonable or is it just me? -- PHRUSTRATED IN PHILLY
DEAR PHRUSTRATED: Your daughter doesn't have a "weak mentality." She's afraid of dogs, and possibly with good reason. Find an animal rescue organization or shelter that encourages the public to spend time socializing with the dogs and cats. It may help to get her past her aversion. It has helped other children, and it's also good for the animals. Give it a try and let me know what happens.
Uncertainty Holds Divorcee Back From Dating Co-Worker
DEAR ABBY: I am a 49-year-old divorcee. A younger man (31) at work is showing an interest in me. We have talked several times about seeing each other outside of work. Also he is African American. I would like to go out with him, but I'm not sure how my family and friends would react. What do you think? -- BETWIXT AND BETWEEN
DEAR BETWIXT: What are you concerned about? Is it that you would be dating a younger man, one of a different race or that he's a co-worker? If it's the latter, and things don't work out, it could be dicey. However, if at this stage of your life you still need approval from friends and family about dating someone you like, it appears you are not ready for a relationship.
Mom's Meddling Adds Stress to the Arrival of First Baby
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 20s, married and seven months pregnant. My problem is my overbearing and manipulative mother. She guilt-trips me, uses social media to shame me and has tried to harm herself and blame me for it, saying I caused it because I'm a horrible daughter.
Now that I am expecting my first child, she's trying to control everything. All the boundaries I set are being pushed and crossed. This is causing a lot of stress for me. What can I do to get free of my crazy, overbearing mother?! -- NEEDS FREEDOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR NEEDS FREEDOM: Recognize that as an adult, you are now in control. Stress isn't good for you or your baby at a time like this. As a mother, your first responsibility will be to your little one.
If your mother has tried to harm herself in the past -- regardless of her reasons for it -- surely others are aware of it. Because she is toxic and unstable, you have every right to distance yourself from her drama. Draw the line. Accept that you can't please everyone, and that includes your overbearing mother.
For Wife, House Isn't Big Enough for Her and Husband's Brother
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law has been living with my husband and me for three years. We have been helping him out for about 11 of our 15 years of marriage. I don't want him here anymore. My husband tells me that I need to be patient. I think I have been patient long enough.
My cousin said to give his brother an ultimatum, but he has a temper, and he doesn't have normal arguments. He doesn't hit, but he automatically yells. Because of that, I have been avoiding issues with him that have been bugging me. How should I go about telling my husband it's his brother or me? -- WANTS HIM GONE
DEAR WANTS HIM GONE: Unless you are prepared to follow through on your ultimatum, I don't think you should put it in those terms. A gentler way to phrase it might be to tell your husband that he has been a wonderful, supportive brother, but he has been doing his adult brother no favors by fostering his dependence upon both of you. Point out that what's been going on for the last three years has been extremely unfair to you, that you no longer wish to live this way, and that it's time to set a certain date when either his brother is out of your home -- or you will be.
Do Charity Greeting Cards Send the Wrong Message?
DEAR ABBY: How do you think people feel about receiving greeting cards that have a charity organization's name and address on the back of the card? I receive beautiful cards from charity organizations to be sent out by me and have often wondered if people think you are too cheap to buy your own cards. These cards include birthday, get well, Christmas, etc. I hate to throw them away, but I would like to know how people feel when receiving these cards. -- SENDER OF GREETINGS IN VIRGINIA
DEAR SENDER: Speaking for myself, when I receive a card from someone, I am far more pleased that the person thought of me than how much was spent on the card. It's the thought that counts, remember?
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Father's Day Is Extra-Special for Dad Who Fought for Kids
DEAR ABBY: I am the father of four. I divorced after my third child was born, and I got custody. I have been with my girlfriend, "Wanda," for six years, and we now have a daughter together.
The issue I have is, last year, Father's Day came and went, and Wanda didn't acknowledge it. I didn't even hear a "Happy Father's Day" from her or my youngest child. (My ex-wife acknowledged me.)
I always go above and beyond for Wanda on Mother's Day, Valentine's Day and her birthday, but now, for the first time in our relationship, I felt small and hurt. She apologized the next day and said she forgot it was Father's Day. I accepted her apology but was still hurt, and I said so.
I went through a brutal divorce and fought hard to gain custody of my kids, and raised them on my own for a while. I'm afraid, maybe irrationally, that this Father's Day will be the same, and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Am I overthinking this? -- UNACKNOWLEDGED IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR UNACKNOWLEDGED: I think so. If you and Wanda have a loving relationship 364 days a year, stop nursing this insecurity about one holiday. You have made clear to her how important these special occasions are to you. If she cares about your feelings, it likely will not happen again.
Woman Gives Wife Cold Shoulder While Husband Gets Warm Hello
DEAR ABBY: I live in an over-55 community in Florida. A woman I'll call Betty totally ignores me when I pass her on the street or in the clubhouse. If we're at a luncheon together, she won't acknowledge me. Yet, when she sees my husband, she'll kiss him hello (on the cheek) and he'll respond warmly.
I have talked to my husband about how Betty treats me and asked him to back off from her. I'm not suggesting he ignore her, but it isn't necessary to kiss her. He obviously likes the attention she gives him and the flirting. He has told me I'm being juvenile and, frankly, I'm annoyed. Should I be? (By the way, Betty is married and flirts with my husband only when her husband is not around. She doesn't do this with any other man.) -- PUT OFF IN PALM BEACH
DEAR PUT OFF: Face it. You and Betty are never going to be buddies. The next time you see this classless individual, tell her that if she wants to show affection, she should do it with her own husband, not yours. And if she ignores your request, tell her again -- this time in the clubhouse, loudly.
Dad and Stepmom Masquerade as Each Other in Texts
DEAR ABBY: My father and his wife use each other's cellphones interchangeably when they text me. While the number that pops up on my phone might be Dad's, it could just as easily be "Caroline" on the other end.
I have asked them to clarify who I'm talking to before I start texting back, the way we used to do when answering a landline, but they are offended and say I should be able to answer either of them the same way so it doesn't matter who I'm texting. Sometimes I suspect one of them is pretending to be the other. That's weird, right? What should I do in this situation? -- WHO'S TEXTING?
DEAR WHO'S TEXTING: People have a right to know with whom they are communicating. I am trying to decide whether what your father and his wife are doing is overly casual, playful, immature or bizarre. It's definitely unusual behavior. I suppose the way to handle it would be to ask, "Is this Dad, Caroline or 'Dadoline'?" and not respond further until you get an answer.