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Mom's Meddling Adds Stress to the Arrival of First Baby
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 20s, married and seven months pregnant. My problem is my overbearing and manipulative mother. She guilt-trips me, uses social media to shame me and has tried to harm herself and blame me for it, saying I caused it because I'm a horrible daughter.
Now that I am expecting my first child, she's trying to control everything. All the boundaries I set are being pushed and crossed. This is causing a lot of stress for me. What can I do to get free of my crazy, overbearing mother?! -- NEEDS FREEDOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR NEEDS FREEDOM: Recognize that as an adult, you are now in control. Stress isn't good for you or your baby at a time like this. As a mother, your first responsibility will be to your little one.
If your mother has tried to harm herself in the past -- regardless of her reasons for it -- surely others are aware of it. Because she is toxic and unstable, you have every right to distance yourself from her drama. Draw the line. Accept that you can't please everyone, and that includes your overbearing mother.
For Wife, House Isn't Big Enough for Her and Husband's Brother
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law has been living with my husband and me for three years. We have been helping him out for about 11 of our 15 years of marriage. I don't want him here anymore. My husband tells me that I need to be patient. I think I have been patient long enough.
My cousin said to give his brother an ultimatum, but he has a temper, and he doesn't have normal arguments. He doesn't hit, but he automatically yells. Because of that, I have been avoiding issues with him that have been bugging me. How should I go about telling my husband it's his brother or me? -- WANTS HIM GONE
DEAR WANTS HIM GONE: Unless you are prepared to follow through on your ultimatum, I don't think you should put it in those terms. A gentler way to phrase it might be to tell your husband that he has been a wonderful, supportive brother, but he has been doing his adult brother no favors by fostering his dependence upon both of you. Point out that what's been going on for the last three years has been extremely unfair to you, that you no longer wish to live this way, and that it's time to set a certain date when either his brother is out of your home -- or you will be.
Do Charity Greeting Cards Send the Wrong Message?
DEAR ABBY: How do you think people feel about receiving greeting cards that have a charity organization's name and address on the back of the card? I receive beautiful cards from charity organizations to be sent out by me and have often wondered if people think you are too cheap to buy your own cards. These cards include birthday, get well, Christmas, etc. I hate to throw them away, but I would like to know how people feel when receiving these cards. -- SENDER OF GREETINGS IN VIRGINIA
DEAR SENDER: Speaking for myself, when I receive a card from someone, I am far more pleased that the person thought of me than how much was spent on the card. It's the thought that counts, remember?
Father's Day Is Extra-Special for Dad Who Fought for Kids
DEAR ABBY: I am the father of four. I divorced after my third child was born, and I got custody. I have been with my girlfriend, "Wanda," for six years, and we now have a daughter together.
The issue I have is, last year, Father's Day came and went, and Wanda didn't acknowledge it. I didn't even hear a "Happy Father's Day" from her or my youngest child. (My ex-wife acknowledged me.)
I always go above and beyond for Wanda on Mother's Day, Valentine's Day and her birthday, but now, for the first time in our relationship, I felt small and hurt. She apologized the next day and said she forgot it was Father's Day. I accepted her apology but was still hurt, and I said so.
I went through a brutal divorce and fought hard to gain custody of my kids, and raised them on my own for a while. I'm afraid, maybe irrationally, that this Father's Day will be the same, and I'm not sure if I can handle that. Am I overthinking this? -- UNACKNOWLEDGED IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR UNACKNOWLEDGED: I think so. If you and Wanda have a loving relationship 364 days a year, stop nursing this insecurity about one holiday. You have made clear to her how important these special occasions are to you. If she cares about your feelings, it likely will not happen again.
Woman Gives Wife Cold Shoulder While Husband Gets Warm Hello
DEAR ABBY: I live in an over-55 community in Florida. A woman I'll call Betty totally ignores me when I pass her on the street or in the clubhouse. If we're at a luncheon together, she won't acknowledge me. Yet, when she sees my husband, she'll kiss him hello (on the cheek) and he'll respond warmly.
I have talked to my husband about how Betty treats me and asked him to back off from her. I'm not suggesting he ignore her, but it isn't necessary to kiss her. He obviously likes the attention she gives him and the flirting. He has told me I'm being juvenile and, frankly, I'm annoyed. Should I be? (By the way, Betty is married and flirts with my husband only when her husband is not around. She doesn't do this with any other man.) -- PUT OFF IN PALM BEACH
DEAR PUT OFF: Face it. You and Betty are never going to be buddies. The next time you see this classless individual, tell her that if she wants to show affection, she should do it with her own husband, not yours. And if she ignores your request, tell her again -- this time in the clubhouse, loudly.
Dad and Stepmom Masquerade as Each Other in Texts
DEAR ABBY: My father and his wife use each other's cellphones interchangeably when they text me. While the number that pops up on my phone might be Dad's, it could just as easily be "Caroline" on the other end.
I have asked them to clarify who I'm talking to before I start texting back, the way we used to do when answering a landline, but they are offended and say I should be able to answer either of them the same way so it doesn't matter who I'm texting. Sometimes I suspect one of them is pretending to be the other. That's weird, right? What should I do in this situation? -- WHO'S TEXTING?
DEAR WHO'S TEXTING: People have a right to know with whom they are communicating. I am trying to decide whether what your father and his wife are doing is overly casual, playful, immature or bizarre. It's definitely unusual behavior. I suppose the way to handle it would be to ask, "Is this Dad, Caroline or 'Dadoline'?" and not respond further until you get an answer.
Tiny Apartment Is Overwhelmed by Unwanted Gift for New Baby
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are expecting a baby in a few months. My father and his wife asked if we would like a large crib/changing table/shelf combination they took a fancy to at an antique store. I politely refused and explained that there is no space in our small apartment. They sent it anyway! Now I have to figure out how to get rid of it because it takes up most of our living room. The piece can't be returned, won't fit in my car, and I can't lift it anyway. I'm hoping the thrift store will pick it up.
My questions are: Must I send a thank you for a gift I explicitly asked them not to send, and what should I say when they discover I've given it away (they are going to be angry), and how do I prevent this from happening again? -- UNWANTED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR UNWANTED: Write your father and stepmother a sweet note thanking them for their thoughtfulness, and include with it a photo or two that show it crowding your living room. The next time you talk with them, explain that space is tight and offer to have it shipped to them to be used when the baby visits. If they agree, you're off the hook. If they don't, sell or donate it.
As to preventing this from happening again, much as you may wish to, you can't control what other people do. You tried that before, and it didn't work.
Teen Is Tempted to Jump on the Dyed Hair Bandwagon
DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old guy. A lot of my best friends are super cool and absolutely amazing people. All of them share one thing in common. They all dye their hair different unnatural colors, such as green, purple and even rainbow. I have natural hair, but now I feel left out, and I want to do the same. But I wonder what it feels like to have hair like that. Do you have any opinions on the subject or heard of past experiences from anyone about this? -- DYED HAIR HOPEFUL
DEAR DYED HAIR HOPEFUL: Dyeing your hair in a neon color will attract attention, some of it positive and some of it negative. What's important is whether YOU like it and the kind of attention it brings. You will never know until you try it. It's only hair. If you decide you don't like it, you can dye it back to its natural color or cut it off and let it grow out. It's important to remember that hair dye will not make you cool and amazing. You are already those things.
DEAR ABBY: I mentioned to two friends that my best friend was thinking of moving. One of them told the main office of the company they work at. When my best friend found out, she said I had betrayed her, and she no longer wants to be my friend.
I love and miss her. I have tried everything to repair our friendship. She'll say hello when I see her, but she no longer calls or visits me. What can I do to get back in her good graces? I have apologized, but nothing seems to help. Please advise. -- NEEDS MY FRIEND
DEAR NEEDS: If your friend didn't warn you that the discussion about her moving was in confidence, she has no one to blame but herself for the word getting out. Perhaps you should remind her of that fact. I can't guarantee that it will repair your relationship, but if it's the truth, she should hear it.