READER ALERT! If you know a student who would like to enter the $5,000 Dear Abby College Columnist Scholarship contest, see the information at DearAbby.com/scholarship and learn more. The deadline is fast approaching.
Mom Is Miffed That Son Gets No One-on-One Time With Dad
DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband and I have been divorced for five years. I have sole custody of our 6-year-old son, "Charlie." My ex lives five hours away with his current wife and her four children. He makes time to see our son only a few times a year.
Anytime he drives down to see Charlie, he always brings someone with him, whether it's his wife or one of her kids. He has never once come alone to spend quality one-on-one time with his son. I have asked him several times to come by himself so he can bond with Charlie, but he refuses.
Charlie is having foot surgery next month and will be in the hospital overnight. My ex wants to be there, which I agree with. But he insists that his wife be there, too. I understand she's our son's stepmother, but she doesn't play an active role in Charlie's life, and I don't think it's her place to be there. Our son needs his mother and father and immediate family, not the "step" family.
Am I wrong to not want her or any of her family members there? I feel it's inappropriate and that my ex should do this on his own. And, no, I don't have any feelings for him, and I do not want him back. I also hold no ill feelings toward his current wife. -- STRUGGLING IN THE SOUTH
DEAR STRUGGLING: Your ex, his wife and her kids are a package deal. Accept this and be glad he visits his son. Surgery is no fun and can be intimidating for a child. When it's time for the procedure, your son may need all the moral support he can get. So take the high road and be warm and welcoming. Your function is to support your boy, not be his gatekeeper. And if history is prologue, I doubt they'll stick around long.
Best Friend's Competitive Streak Makes Surprise Appearance
DEAR ABBY: I recently went skydiving with my beautiful best friend, "Brenda." At the airport, she overheard the skydiving instructor say he wanted "the pretty one." He was talking about me.
Brenda took me aside and complained to me that he found me more attractive than her. Abby, usually she's the one who gets all the second looks from guys. She was really annoyed that I got that kind of attention. This has left me wondering, what kind of best friend is she? I have never competed with her. What should I do? -- BESTIE IN KANSAS
DEAR BESTIE: Take a fresh look at your relationship with her. Recognize that although you have never competed with Brenda, she appears to feel competitive with you. If the subject of the incident at the airport comes up again, remind her that although she is usually the one who gets the attention from guys, this was your turn. A true friend would be happy to share some of the spotlight.
Waiter's Effort at Small Talk Explodes Into Savage Tirade
DEAR ABBY: Last week I was out with my family of 13 for dinner. My sister-in-law was sitting relaxed in her chair, stretching her back and extending her stomach. The waiter came over and, trying to make small talk, asked her, "What's the occasion? Are you pregnant?" My sister-in-law isn't pregnant, but her posture may have suggested it.
Well, my brother, her husband, went off on the man, calling him names, swearing, and causing a loud, uncomfortable scene. We all agreed the waiter was stupid to ask the question, but wasn't my brother wrong here? He embarrassed all of us, and I don't think there was any malicious intent on the part of the waiter. My brother stands behind his outburst and insists he wasn't wrong.
This has happened before, and I'm sure it will happen in the future. What's your suggestion for a better way to handle a situation like this, so maybe I can get through to my brother? -- LOST MY APPETITE IN GEORGIA
DEAR LOST: The waiter should have quit winners after he asked if your party of 13 was celebrating a special occasion. To have asked whether your SIL was pregnant was a blunder, which I am betting was reflected in his tip. While I appreciate your brother's desire to "protect" his wife, he accomplished nothing positive by creating a scene and embarrassing the family.
Because you mentioned that this has happened before and may happen in the future, it's time for "the family" to suggest he get professional help for his anger issues. If this is how he behaves in public, I shudder to imagine what he's like in private.
Mom Worries Bad Grammar Cost Son Acceptance to Graduate School
DEAR ABBY: When my son was 9 he was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. He is now a college grad. Because I couldn't fix his diabetes, I have tried to fix everything else in his life, and it hasn't been pretty.
He was home for a visit the day his graduate school application was due. I bulldozed him into taking some punctuation advice on his letter of intent that turned out to be wrong. A few months later a rejection letter arrived, and I'm afraid my grammatical error caused it. I'm afraid his dreams were dashed because he trusted me. He doesn't think the mistake had anything to do with the rejection, but I suspect he's trying to protect my feelings because he's such a nice person.
How important is perfect grammar on a grad school letter of intent? If my son has an above-average GPA, research experience, above-average GRE scores, but a grammatical error in his essay, could that one error put him out of contention? -- TRYING TO MEDDLE NO MORE
DEAR TRYING: I seriously doubt that a misplaced comma would cause your son to be rejected from graduate school if he had all the other necessary qualifications. Listen to what he's telling you, stop flogging yourself and, from now on, quit trying to bulldoze him and let him fly on his own. There is nothing to feel guilty about. With practice, you'll get the hang of it.
Daughter Plays Second Fiddle to Brother With Grandchild
DEAR ABBY: My mother has always had a horrible habit of making plans and canceling at the last minute. When I make plans with her, she invariably cancels the day of. Lately she has started making me feel guilty for not coming around more.
I lost my license two years ago, so I can't drive, and I work full time. She has no job and several vehicles. I'm not saying she doesn't have things going on, but I can't help but feel she's just going through the motions and making it seem like she cares.
My younger brother had a baby girl last year, and Mom constantly has her or is trying to get her. To top it off, my brother lives in the same town I do. It makes me feel invisible.
I know when parents say they don't have a favorite child, they are lying through their teeth, but this is blatant. I'm in my 30s and shouldn't still be feeling like this. Please help. I feel like my parents would be better off with one less child to make fake plans with. -- INVISIBLE IN OHIO
DEAR INVISIBLE: Whether your brother is the favored child, I can't opine. However, it makes no sense that your mother would guilt you for not seeing her more often and then stand you up when you try.
Because you feel slighted, tell her how hurtful it is. If the situation doesn't improve, plan fewer visits with her and concentrate on spending your time with people who do make you feel appreciated and loved.
Affair Is Latest Complication for Man in Troubled Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a guy, "Derrick," since high school. He recently confided that for the last few years of his marriage he has been involved in an on-again, off-again affair.
He also told me that for most of his marriage his wife has been putting him down, blaming him for all their problems, constantly accusing him of cheating (they have been married far longer than the affair has been going on) and not letting him see his friends. Abby, I have witnessed some of her behavior myself, and it explains why he seemed to drop off the earth after he signed his marriage certificate.
I don't know how to help him. He has tried to get his wife to agree to marriage counseling, but she refuses. He has young children, and he's afraid that if he tries to divorce her, she'll make sure he never sees them again.
She has spent years wearing him down and won. He's no longer the outgoing, happy person I used to know. He was always ready to help anyone who needed him, and I want to return the favor. How? -- SUPPORTIVE FRIEND IN VERMONT
DEAR FRIEND: Suggest to your friend that because his wife refuses to go to marriage counseling does not mean he shouldn't go for individual counseling without her. If he does, it may be life-changing for him in a positive way because he may be able to reconnect with the person he was before he entered his emotionally abusive marriage. I can't promise his future will be problem-free after that, but he will be stronger and more able to cope with whatever his wife (or ex-wife) throws his way.