DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a guy, "Derrick," since high school. He recently confided that for the last few years of his marriage he has been involved in an on-again, off-again affair.
He also told me that for most of his marriage his wife has been putting him down, blaming him for all their problems, constantly accusing him of cheating (they have been married far longer than the affair has been going on) and not letting him see his friends. Abby, I have witnessed some of her behavior myself, and it explains why he seemed to drop off the earth after he signed his marriage certificate.
I don't know how to help him. He has tried to get his wife to agree to marriage counseling, but she refuses. He has young children, and he's afraid that if he tries to divorce her, she'll make sure he never sees them again.
She has spent years wearing him down and won. He's no longer the outgoing, happy person I used to know. He was always ready to help anyone who needed him, and I want to return the favor. How? -- SUPPORTIVE FRIEND IN VERMONT
DEAR FRIEND: Suggest to your friend that because his wife refuses to go to marriage counseling does not mean he shouldn't go for individual counseling without her. If he does, it may be life-changing for him in a positive way because he may be able to reconnect with the person he was before he entered his emotionally abusive marriage. I can't promise his future will be problem-free after that, but he will be stronger and more able to cope with whatever his wife (or ex-wife) throws his way.