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Wife in Love With Girlfriend Resolves to End Her Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I'm married to a man 21 years my senior. "Joe" and I have been married six years. I have recently realized I'm gay and have fallen in love with another woman.
Although Joe isn't infirm or mentally deficient, he has a hard time making decisions on his own. He'll read something, hand it to me and ask me what I think. He can't form an opinion on his own, but God forbid you challenge an opinion he DOES have.
Over the course of our marriage, he has become "crotchety" and burned all his bridges. Because of this, I have lost friends, business opportunities and my reputation. He got fired from his job three years ago and has never actively tried to find another one. I have carried the family on my own financially.
He literally has no one but me. He's past retirement age, and I'm half that. I have more life to live being who I really AM, but I feel guilty leaving him high and dry. I no longer love him; I love my girlfriend. I want to be out and proud and live what I realize now is my real truth. How can I tell him I want out? -- TRAPPED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TRAPPED: Before telling your husband anything, discuss this with a divorce lawyer. Leaving him may be complicated because you have been his sole support for a while. Once you know what your financial responsibilities may -- or may not -- be, you will be in a better position to give your husband the bad news. When you do, a way to start would be to tell him you have realized that you are a lesbian.
Mom and Sisters Set Up Roadblocks Against Man's Girlfriend
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Mason," and I have been dating for eight months, and it has been going well. However, there is one thing standing in our way -- his mom and sisters.
Mason is the only boy. His parents divorced when he was young. His mom never remarried, but his father did. His two sisters (one older, one younger) don't have boyfriends. The three of them constantly make comments whenever Mason and I go out and do things -- that he's spending too much money or isn't at home enough. They critique everything Mason does, from what he wears to how much money he earned in his last paycheck. It's like they're obsessed with him.
They plan vacations while I'm around and don't invite me. I haven't been invited over for any holidays or family functions. I love Mason and want a future with him, but I can't continue dealing with the nonsense from his jealous mom and sisters. It's causing a huge strain.
Mason knows how upset I am. He says he has talked to them, but their behavior hasn't changed. If he won't take matters into his own hands, should I? -- COMPETING IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR COMPETING: No! Until Mason is mature enough to put his foot down, his mother and sisters will continue to decide for him who he dates, how much time he spends with her and whether he is earning "enough" money to be seeing anyone. You cannot and should not compete with his family because it isn't healthy for you or your relationship. Remember, Mason will likely always be a package deal, and if you can't accept it, you should end things.
Friend Refuses to Help Plan Dinner She's Not Invited To
DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 40 years has asked me to fly to her son's wedding in a few months, arrive early to help with everything and not be included in the rehearsal dinner. I explained that I'm not going to spend more than $1,000 to fly out early, stay in a hotel, rent a car and not attend the dinner I've helped set up, decorate, etc. She said she's not inviting out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner, and it's family only. She then uninvited me to the wedding and hung up on me! We haven't spoken since.
Am I crazy or was she, for expecting me to go work my behind off and leave before the guests arrive? -- NO ONE'S SLAVE
DEAR NO ONE'S: What happened proves the truth of the adage that weddings and funerals can bring out the worst in people. Your friend's request was insensitive and rude, and she should be ashamed of herself. You would have been more than "an out-of-town guest," and you should have been thanked for your efforts at the dinner.
Woman Has Trouble Finding Her Voice on Dates With Likable Guy
DEAR ABBY: I've dated a guy for three months now, and I still can't be completely open with him. I am afraid the real me isn't that likable, so I have become less talkative in this relationship.
Each time we go out, he's always the talker, and when sometimes I want to say something, I clam up. I like him a lot, and I don't like myself being this way. I am outgoing and talkative when I'm with my friends. I like the way I am when I am with them because I feel free and relaxed.
He has started to complain about my quietness, and it's upsetting. Each time he mentions it, I feel like I'm exposed. Should I continue this relationship? -- NOT QUIET IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR NOT QUIET: Don't look now, but your self-esteem appears to be sagging. Stop hiding in a self-imposed "closet" and show this person who you really are! Whether the relationship survives the disclosure I can't guess, but I have a premonition that he will like you even better than he has for the last three months.
Mom Hesitates to Reveal Source of Clothing She Buys
DEAR ABBY: I have a limited income with which I support myself and my four children. When it comes to clothing, my kids' needs obviously come first, and most of my money goes to buying their clothes. The majority of mine come from clothing banks.
My problem is, when someone compliments me on an outfit I'm wearing and asks where I got it, I don't know what to say. I'm embarrassed to say it's from a clothing bank, but at the same time I don't like lying. Any suggestions? -- SMALLTOWN POOR
DEAR SMALLTOWN POOR: I do have one. When you are complimented on an item of clothing, say thank you. And if the person asks where you bought it, say it was given to you. It's the truth. It was given to you at the clothing bank.
Woman's Sticky Fingers Make Continued Friendship Awkward
DEAR ABBY: I think a person in my life, "Janine," has kleptomania. I have seen her take things from my house, and I know she steals clothing from stores (as evidenced by the security clips still on them).
A friend witnessed her take boxes of doughnuts from my wedding. When my friend confronted her about it, Janine said that she "deserved" them. She even took my husband's glasses and then, a year later, set them on the kitchen counter -- next to her purse. She has other sporadic behaviors as well.
I'm struggling to be understanding about kleptomania, knowing that it's a mental illness. I don't want to lose my personal belongings or my relationships!
We're no longer comfortable having Janine in our home. I'm reluctant to talk to her about it because she can be combative and defensive. Is it socially acceptable to bring up this behavior with our mutual friends, or should we keep our mouths shut? -- TESTED IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST
DEAR TESTED: If you are sure that Janine has kleptomania, it would be a kindness to caution your mutual friends about it so they can protect their belongings. I would certainly want to know if I were inviting her to my home.
Long-Distance Relationship Is Tested by Dinner With Co-Worker
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a girl I met in high school and went with for a year. We both went our separate ways for a couple of years because I moved far away with my family. We started college in different states, but got back together over spring break a year ago. This year we got pinned to each other. However, even though we are committed to each other, because we are so far apart, we agreed we would go out on dates and socialize until we are engaged.
After a few months, I found out she had gone home with a co-worker after work when he offered to fix her dinner. Dinner led to wine and more than a few drinks, and then to kissing, fondling, etc. I was extremely hurt when she confessed it to me, and now I'm not sure I can trust her or if there are other things going on. We still plan to get engaged when the time is right, but should I believe she'll be faithful and truthful, or should I find someone else I know I can trust? -- LET DOWN IN ILLINOIS
DEAR LET DOWN: Give her props for being honest with you about the kissing and fondling, but before making up your mind, clarify exactly what the "etc." means. You should also make sure you have a clear definition about what "socializing" means. (There is socializing and then there is socializing.) If your definitions don't line up, then break up.
Daughter Is Miffed When Mom Makes Change of Plans
DEAR ABBY: My mother committed to going to my son's first College National Honor Society induction ceremony. My brother's wife's grandmother passed away, and her wake/funeral is the same day. My mother backed out of her commitment to my son and is now going to the wake/funeral. Should I feel angry that she did this? Which event should she commit to? -- HURT IN THE EAST
DEAR HURT: Calm down. You stated that this will be your son's "first" induction into the National Honor Society, which implies that there may be more. Your mother will have but one opportunity to pay respects to her in-law, which is why she changed her plans. Accept it.