TO MY READERS: I wish you all a joyous and meaningful Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone!
Conversations Are Ruined by a Deluge of Questions
DEAR ABBY: I am a big fan and read your column daily. I am writing because I have a very hard time making conversation. I read your mother's booklet which suggests asking people questions about themselves to stimulate dialogue.
Apparently, I am doing something wrong because family and friends accuse me of "interrogating" them. I'm not! I am truly just trying to chat. I have also failed several job interviews, so I must be missing something.
What's the correct way to have a conversation? How many questions are too many? How do I make amends to the people who aren't speaking to me anymore? I honestly never meant to offend anyone. Thank you very much for your help. -- IGNORANT, NOT INTERROGATING
DEAR "IGNORANT": You may have taken my late mother's advice too literally. What she was trying to convey is that people are usually attracted to those who find them interesting, and asking a question is a conversation opener and a way to draw someone out.
However, conversations are supposed to be an exchange of information. Because people accuse you of "grilling" them, you may be asking a barrage of questions without giving anything back. A better example of a conversation starter might be:
Q. "How was your weekend? We went skiing on Sunday afternoon." Then describe something that happened. (Saw the cutest family, got a nasty sunburn, etc.)
Or:
Q. "Did you hear about (insert news item). I was really surprised (shocked, fascinated, etc.)." Express how it affected you and ask what the person thinks about it.
Then listen.
You may have better luck with this approach.
When Wife Moves for a Job, Husband Refuses to Follow
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I lost my job and have had no luck finding one in our small Florida town or the surrounding area, so I started looking elsewhere. I found a great opportunity in Nashville and got the job. It meant I had to move, but my husband refused to move with me. He's a technician so he can work anywhere.
We both used to live in Nashville -- it's actually where we met. I couldn't pass up the job because I'm 53 and may not get another opportunity like this.
It has been eight months and we are still living in two different states. I'm happy in Nashville because I visited often after we moved away and I always missed it. Not only do I not want to leave, I can't afford to.
I never stopped looking for a job in Florida, but there aren't any that pay anywhere close to what I'm earning here. My husband could be making at least $20,000 more a year here if he moved, but he absolutely refuses. I'm not sure what to do. I love and miss him. He rarely visits me. I must go to Florida if I want to see him. Help! -- LONG-DISTANCE LOVE
DEAR L.D.L.: It appears you have an important decision to make. What is more important to you, your marriage or the money? That you want more financial security is understandable. You need to understand exactly why your husband has taken the stance he has. Once you have the answer to that question, you will have a better understanding of what you need to do. A trusted mediator may be able to help the two of you to improve your communication.
Husband's Bullying of Young Son Leads Wife to Consider Leaving
DEAR ABBY: I have a 4-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl and I'm worried. My husband bullies our son, "Jake." We often go to a park with swingsets near our home. Jake runs to the swings, gets on, and then my husband pushes it so hard, Jake screams in fear. People sitting on the benches stop talking and turn toward us. If I do what I can to stop this, my husband pushes me. I see him giggling low and his eyes flash with his head bent slightly down.
My husband is not a young father. I'm worried he will continue to bully Jake in other ways as he grows. My husband is a small man with feminine features and a shy demeanor. He has told me how some of his older brothers bullied him, and how girls in the neighborhood called him derogatory names.
I suspect he bullies our son to get even with what happened to him back then. Knowing him, I don't think counseling will be an option. I feel I must either live with him at my son's expense, or leave. Do you have any advice for me? -- ANONYMOUS IN THE U.S.
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Talk to your husband and tell him his behavior is hurting the boy and it must stop. Does the bullying only occur in the park? If so, avoid going to the park with Daddy.
I'm concerned about your statement that he "pushes" you if you try to intervene. If you mean it literally, that is spousal abuse. Deliberately frightening a child is also abuse, which may indeed escalate as the boy grows older. Some sessions with a licensed psychotherapist could be helpful for you in determining what your next steps should be. Divorce may be the surest way to protect both of your children.
Refusal to Wear Seat Belt Costs Man and His Family Dearly
DEAR ABBY: My late husband refused to wear a seat belt. One day a truck hit him. He was thrown around hard inside the car and spent a month in the hospital. An X-ray showed the back of his brain was mush. He was mentally disabled for the rest of his life and needed care 24/7. It was such a waste. He had been a teacher with a master's degree in education.
My grown children helped me to take care of him. They were heartbroken. This was a tragedy that could have been avoided. It happened only because he didn't take a few seconds to fasten his seat belt.
Please print this as a reminder to your readers, Abby. -- COMMON SENSE CALIFORNIAN
DEAR CALIFORNIAN: I am truly sorry for your family's pain. Too many people, drivers and passengers, choose to ignore the seat belt laws.
As your letter illustrates, they do so at their own peril. Every traveler, whether in the front or back seat, should buckle up. I'm glad you shared this because so many people are on the road during the holidays. I hope your family's tragic experience will give them the "nudge" they need.
Family Is Unsure How to Introduce Son's New Husband
DEAR ABBY: My son recently married his longtime partner, "Kurt." They are coming to visit soon. How should I introduce "Kurt" to people now? Do I use the word "husband," "partner" or something else? -- LOST FOR THE WORD
DEAR LOST: Many gay men use "husband" or "spouse" when referring to the man to whom they are married. But, to be sure, ask your son and Kurt which title they would prefer you to use.
DEAR ABBY: My mom passed away unexpectedly, leaving behind two cats. My mother-in-law graciously took them in temporarily, which included shouldering the financial burden of a few vet visits.
After everything quieted, we asked her if she would be willing to keep the cats indefinitely because we rent, and re-homing them wasn't an option in our area. She agreed, but said when we want to take them, we can. We offered to compensate her for the vet bills, but she refused. Our relationship has always been strained, but, in that moment, she was very kind and generous.
Now, a year later, the cats have been renamed and are well cared for beyond what we could have ever given them. I, however, feel guilty. My husband and I don't want the cats. We will be buying a home soon, and our daughter is hoping to adopt a dog.
I do not want to take on a new obligation if I already have one to my mother-in-law. Those cats are my mom's final unfinished business, and I want to do right by them. How can I do right by my mother-in-law as well? -- NOT A CAT PERSON
DEAR NOT A CAT PERSON: The cats have acclimated well to living with your mother-in-law -- and it is entirely possible that she has grown to love them in the year they have been with her.
If she is aware that you will be buying a home, she should be told that your daughter has her heart set on having a dog. Because three animals would be too much for you, ask if she would mind keeping the kitties after you move. She may surprise you and say she doesn't mind at all.
(From where I sit, she sounds like a doll, so regard her generosity as a chance to mend fences and express your gratitude equally generously.)
Season Brings Remembrance of Korean War 'Christmas Miracle'
DEAR ABBY: In this holiday season of love, hope and miracles I ask your millions of readers to join me in remembering and honoring those courageous Americans and allies who created a "Christmas Miracle" during the Korean War 69 years ago. From November to December 1950, they fought one of the most savage battles of modern warfare and did the impossible by achieving one of the greatest humanitarian rescues in history.
Fighting in the frozen mountains at Chosin Reservoir, with wind-chill temperatures far below zero, outnumbered and encircled (120,000 to 30,000), our troops broke out to save 100,000 Korean men, women and children by Christmas Eve. Our soldiers endured frostbite and suffering with valor, ultimately sustaining 16,495 casualties, but inflicting 48,156 casualties on the enemy.
We are proud of, and indebted to, those members of our armed forces who suffered and sacrificed for our freedom. Please say a prayer for them and their families, and thank God for the gift of these precious souls. -- WITH CHRISTMAS LOVE, CARMELLA LaSPADA, NO GREATER LOVE INC.
DEAR CARMELLA: Thank you for your letter. This is the time of year when people often reminisce about family memories. In that spirit, I agree that we should also remember our collective history, and reflect on and give thanks for the bravery and sacrifice our service members and their loved ones have given us.