DEAR READERS: It's time again to remind you that daylight saving time ends at 2 a.m. Sunday. Don't forget to turn your clocks back one hour at bedtime tonight. And while you're at it, remember to change the batteries in your fire alarms and smoke detectors.
Woman's Parents Stew Over Her May-December Romance
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 22-year-old daughter, "Cara," who is having a relationship with a 65-year-old man, "Gary." We do not approve of the relationship.
Gary is going through a divorce, and Cara has moved into his rented condo with him. She just graduated from college. She doesn't have a job, has no money and drives an old car. She was always a good student and never did anything wrong. She didn't date much and was a wonderful child. She and Gary have been together for almost six months now.
Cara knows we love her but do not approve of the relationship. She also knows that Gary is not welcome in our home. She sees nothing wrong with their relationship. She doesn't socialize with her friends as often as she used to. Gary works full-time and also has a job on weekends. We never speak of him when we talk to our daughter. What is going on? What should we do? When will it end? Where is her head? -- NERVOUS IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR NERVOUS: Your daughter -- who didn't date much -- thinks she's in love with Gary. Because she is emotionally involved, she's thinking with her heart, not her head. What you need to do is loosen up.
Tell your daughter you and your husband will welcome Gary into your home. And when that happens, get to know him and talk with him about the importance of her getting a job in the field for which she has worked so hard to qualify.
Their relationship will end when she finally tires of living with someone who is old enough to be her grandfather, and who has little time to devote to her because he has financial obligations toward his almost-ex-wife. Cross your fingers and hope she grows impatient soon.
Saving Seats at School Concert Turns Into a Showdown
DEAR ABBY: At my preschooler's concert, another parent asked me to hold a seat for her near the front. I draped a sweater over two seats. Shortly after, another family arrived, and the grandfather of another child removed the sweater, claiming the seats for members of his family who were also absent.
Three times I tried to explain that I was holding a seat for a parent with a disability who was having a hard time getting to the auditorium. Each time I was rudely interrupted. The man grabbed me by the shoulder, threatened me and even invited me to settle things outside. He later photographed my wife and children.
Not wanting to be that parent who gets into a fight over a seat at a children's event, I backed down. Afterward, though, I did file a report with the police. Now I am deciding whether to press charges.
I don't want to overreact, but I have heard from other parents that this man has a tendency to bully. I have always been bothered by stories about violence at kids' events and feel this man crossed a line. Should I? -- PROVOKED IN THE EAST
DEAR PROVOKED: If this man behaved as you described and put his hands on you, then you were physically assaulted. If there were other parents who witnessed it and would be willing to testify if you press charges, go ahead and pursue it. When you do, the bully will be in the system the next time he does it to someone.
Concern for Grandma's Health Keeps Grandson From Visiting
DEAR ABBY: I work and have a family and live five hours from where I grew up. My mom isn't in the best health and neither is her husband. While I try to visit as often as I can, she always wants me to visit more often, which I understand.
The problem is, she keeps asking us to leave our 5-year-old son with her for long weekends or to spend a week with her and her husband. They are good people, but both have physical limitations.
Would I let my son stay with them if one of them was still in good health? Yes. It is hard for me to explain to her my concern that my son would be too much for them to deal with at this point. If she has a series of good days, great. If she doesn't, we would have a problem, and I'd have to drive back to deal with it.
I have tried explaining nicely, and then other times more directly, that it isn't that I don't want her to spend time with her grandchildren. I'm tired of the guilt trips she tries to put on me. I'm also tired of her telling my son to "talk to your mom about staying with me for a week."
As a child, I was in my son's position, and I know how it affected me. I just wanted to see "Sara," and I thought Mom and Dad were mean for not letting me. I do not want my son to feel that way. He's a child, not a pawn in a game. Can you help me explain to my mom that my concern is for the safety of everyone involved? -- SAFETY FIRST
DEAR SAFETY FIRST: Have a series of talks with your little boy. He needs to understand that, although Grandma loves him and wants him to visit, she is not always well enough to look after him properly if he does, which is why you won't allow it. It isn't his fault, it isn't your fault, and it isn't Grandma's. If Grandma could come to visit you occasionally for a few days, it might give her more time with your boy and be good for both of them.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 46-year-old, single gay man. Although I've had a few crushes, I have never been deeply in love. I don't like going out to the bars and, because my town is extremely Catholic, there are only a couple of gay-friendly ones.
Is it OK to not be actively looking for love? Everyone I know keeps asking me if I have found someone, and I keep telling them I don't believe in love. I'm content. I don't do anything but work, so I always say I never have time.
Is there something wrong with being single all your life and not having a significant other? I have my cat to love, as well as my sisters. Does a person have to be with someone if they are content being alone? Yes, I would like to go out, but why does it have to be with a partner? -- CONTENT LONER IN MONTANA
DEAR LONER: If you are comfortable flying solo, it is perfectly acceptable to live your life that way. The people who are telling you otherwise may mean well, but you do not have to take it to heart. Live your life the way you want, do not second guess yourself and don't allow yourself to be pressured. If you are content, you are doing fine.
Children Cut Off Stepmother With Dad's Power of Attorney
DEAR ABBY: This letter is for women who have stepchildren or are considering marriage to a man with children. My second marriage of 20 years is in limbo with no closure. My three adult stepchildren took my husband away from our home two years ago. He was having some cognitive dementia, but we were doing well in our home. After a fall, everything came apart. To make a long story short, I was naive about legal issues and discovered he had named his children as powers of attorney with no plans for me.
I have not had a visit or phone call in months because his kids will not allow it unless they are present. Our home was jointly shared and the court has ordered me to maintain it with no financial assistance from my husband as I live here. He has been shuttling back and forth between his son and daughter and is presently living in another state.
Abby, I encourage any woman who is considering remarriage to take great care of important legal matters for their well-being in case stepchildren try to "kill" the marriage and take over. I have experienced the ups and downs that go along with abandonment, depression and absence of closure. I am grateful for my family and friends for their love and support. With God's help and prayers, I am still hanging in there. Ladies, beware! -- SURVIVING ALONE
DEAR SURVIVING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your husband. It is tragic. Sadly, you are not the only woman I have heard of this happening to; I know one personally. This is why I, too, urge anyone, female or male, who is going into a second marriage to be conscious of the legal ramifications and end-of-life planning and to do it with the help of an attorney.
Patient Is Put Off When Staff Speaks Another Language
DEAR ABBY: My acupuncturist and staff are all bilingual, speaking both English and Spanish. Almost always while I'm sitting in the waiting room, the staff will converse with one another in Spanish like they're the only ones in the room.
Once, a patient came in, and the receptionist didn't recognize the person. She asked the patient her name in English. Once the receptionist realized she knew the patient and the patient spoke Spanish, the remainder of the conversation was in Spanish despite the fact that the woman spoke clear English.
Another time, one of the staff pointed to something on the receptionist's computer screen and spoke in Spanish to the receptionist, and I could see she was showing the receptionist how to do something on the computer. In addition, if any of the staff needs to speak with the doctor during my treatment, Spanish is spoken.
I feel the only time the staff should speak Spanish is when a patient doesn't speak or understand English. What do you think about this? -- DON'T UNDERSTAND IN FLORIDA
DEAR DON'T: What I think is that you should address your concerns to the person whose acupuncture practice it is. Explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable and isolated when his or her employees do this in front of you. And if you are not satisfied with the response you receive, change acupuncturists.
A GENTLE REMINDER TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight wee witches and goblins will be out trick-or-treating. Please supervise them closely so they'll be safe. Happy Halloween, everyone! -- Love, ABBY