TO MY READERS: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, begins at sundown. During this 24-hour period, Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer, and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you who observe -- may your fast be an easy, but meaningful, one.
Widowed Mother Begins an Affair With Her Married Brother-in-Law
DEAR ABBY: My father died three years ago. My parents were both close to his younger brother and his wife. For the past two years, I have suspected that my mother and my uncle have been having an affair. They live in different states and text back and forth. She has left her phone open when she has gone places with us, and the comments back and forth are very sexually oriented.
I became suspicious when my uncle came to visit and they took a trip together and ended up staying overnight somewhere. A couple of months later, my aunt and uncle came to visit, and Mom asked me NOT to say anything about the trip they had taken in front of his wife.
Then Mom started locking her phone, and if she wants to show you something, she holds onto her phone for dear life. She asked me to look on her phone for something recently while she was driving us someplace and she was so worried about her phone, I was afraid she was going to cause an accident because she was trying to watch what I was doing.
The last time my aunt and uncle were here, Mom tried everything she could to get my uncle alone. I tried as hard as I could to not let that happen. I feel my aunt needs to know what is going on. I'm not sure how to approach this or if I should leave it alone. It really bothers me they think this is OK. My father had an affair once, so Mom should know how this would hurt. What should I do? -- WITNESS IN WISCONSIN
DEAR WITNESS: What you should do is take a giant step back. Do not involve yourself in this potential mess and do not be the bearer of bad tidings to your aunt. If you are going to talk to anyone, talk to your mother.
Man Offers Housing to Homeless Woman Without Wife's Consent
DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married to my husband, "Clyde," for 14 years, and we have a 12-year-old son. Clyde is the nicest man I have ever met, nice to a point that drives me insane. He invites complete strangers over to our house and acts like it's normal.
Last week, he brought a homeless 20-something-year-old woman with him when he came home from work. Without my consent, he let her stay over for FOUR DAYS, until I forced her to leave. I couldn't stand having to cook for and house a woman whose name I didn't even know! After she left, Clyde got mad and said my actions were "rude" and "disrespectful." I think it is unsafe for strangers to be allowed in our home, especially with our son around.
Abby, I don't know what to do. If I can't find a way to stop my husband's recklessness, I may have to end our marriage. Please help. -- OVERWHELMED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR OVERWHELMED: In most marriages, spouses have enough consideration for each other that they ask first before inviting someone -- particularly someone their spouse doesn't know -- into their home. Your "nice" husband seems to have forgotten this.
Your concerns are valid. Because you can't seem to get through to him that what he is doing is risky, insist on some sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Perhaps that person can get through to him. He may think what he's doing is admirable, but there are other ways to help homeless individuals.
Husband Checks Out of Marriage After Wife's Cancer Diagnosis
DEAR ABBY: I need some advice for my dear friend. She needs to have chemotherapy and her husband says he won't help her when she gets sicker from the meds. She is devastated and feels like he isn't even her husband anymore. He told her he will move out and put her into a nursing home and that they can break up. Any advice? -- DEVASTATED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR DEVASTATED: I am appalled. That someone could be so heartless and cruel is deplorable. Your friend's husband appears to be one of those who becomes so freaked out by his spouse's cancer diagnosis that he cuts and runs instead of standing by her when the going gets tough. (Yes, regrettably, there are some.)
Her top priority right now has to be getting through this challenge, regardless of what it involves. Are there supportive friends or family members who are willing to see her through the term of her treatment? If so, that's what I recommend.
When she recovers -- because with the advances that are being made in cancer treatment every day, it is entirely possible -- I hope she realizes how lucky she is to be rid of this poor excuse for a man.
DEAR ABBY: I am divorced and live alone, which I enjoy. I'm a homebody -- I work and come home.
I dated a woman many years ago and we have reunited. I'm very much in love with her. She has family not far from here, and if I marry her, I know I'm going to be inundated with visits from them on a regular basis. Problem is, I love my privacy. I'm getting cold feet because of this. I have lived the way I do for a long time and I'm happy with it. -- COLD FEET IN THE SOUTH
DEAR COLD FEET: Have you talked to this lady about your concerns? If you haven't, it's time, because it's entirely possible that she loves her family as much as you love your privacy and won't want to be isolated from them. In a situation like yours, if there is no compelling reason to tie the knot, perhaps you should agree to leave the arrangement the way it is.
Man's Health Becomes Topic of Neighborhood Gossip
DEAR ABBY: I live in a neighborhood with nosy neighbors who like to gossip. My wife and I are private people and keep our business to ourselves. There is one person, a man who recently moved here, whom I consider to be my only good friend.
The other day my friend showed me a text he had received from another one of my neighbors -- a doctor -- asking him if I had a certain medical condition. My friend responded by saying that the topic had not been discussed. I find the inquiry to be inappropriate. It's really none of his business. I also believe my neighbor the doctor showed a lack of character and poor judgment. I value your input. Are my feelings out of line? -- TICKED OFF IN TAMPA
DEAR TICKED OFF: Your feelings are not out of line. If the doctor is truly concerned about your well-being and not neighborhood gossip, he should have asked you that question directly.
Husband's Family Offers Little Sympathy After Father's Death
DEAR ABBY: My father was killed recently in a shooting. I have received text messages and phone calls from my immediate family and close friends. My mother-in-law was thoughtful enough to send me a card, and I called to thank her the day I received it.
My husband has other close relatives. None of them called me, not even my sister-in-law. They have my number, so that's not the issue. Is this the norm in the United States? I ask because I come from a different background, and I find this disheartening. -- GRIEVING IN NEVADA
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that took your father. When something so out of the ordinary happens, many people don't know what to say. While something as simple as, "I'm so sorry," or, "You are in my prayers, and my thoughts are with you," would suffice, they are so fearful they will say the wrong thing that they say nothing. Your husband's family may fall into this category. Please try to forgive them.
DEAR ABBY: I am single, retired and have no children. I do have some health issues. My sisters have begun to hound me about getting rid of things so they won't have to do it in the event that I die. My entire estate, which is close to $1 million, will go to them and their children.
It is exhausting for me to pack things and move boxes, and they are no help. I'd like to enjoy the time I have left and not have to listen to their complaints. What should I do? -- FED UP AND TIRED
DEAR FED UP: Tell your sisters you would like to die (when the time comes) surrounded by the mementos that have brought you pleasure throughout the years, and you do not plan to get rid of anything! Then suggest that when you are gone, they will have more than enough money to pay someone to cart away anything they don't wish to keep. With a "close to $1 million" windfall in their pockets, the expense should not be onerous.
DEAR ABBY: Would you think a husband is in love with his wife if he never talks to her, touches her or shows any interest in her? The worst kind of loneliness is the kind in marriage.
What should a wife do if she feels her husband no longer cares for her? We have been married five years, and I think about the seven-year itch. The first two years were difficult, and things haven't gotten better. Would counseling help? I'm ready to leave. -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CONFUSED: I am not sure who is itching, you or your husband. Because there is so much unhappiness in your marriage, talk to your husband about it. Ask him why he has withdrawn from you, and whether he would be interested in working things out with the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist. If he is not willing, then realize it's time to leave because the atmosphere you have described is toxic for you, and it isn't a marriage.