DEAR READERS: Today, we remember the birthday of Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., who in 1968 was martyred in the cause of civil rights. His philosophy still rings true: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Son Is Still Mired in Grief Long After Father's Death
DEAR ABBY: It has been a little over two years since I lost my father to leukemia. The progression of his illness and death was rapid and unforeseen. It has been a tremendous emotional strain on the family, but I seem to be having a hard time "ending" my grieving and finding even simple happiness in things I used to enjoy. I know the death of a loved one can change a person's perspective forever, but I'm wondering if my process has turned into something else.
I am somewhat prone to depression (especially around the winter months), but have stuck with my doctor's orders about medication and exercise on a regular basis. I was in counseling, but that seemed to reach its conclusion about a year ago.
I'm married with three wonderful children, and I feel like I could be a better husband and father if I could figure out how to move on. Abby, please help. -- TRYING TO MOVE ON
DEAR TRYING TO MOVE ON: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. The inability to find happiness in things that used to bring you joy is one of the symptoms of clinical depression. After two years, you should be doing better than you are. For that reason I'm suggesting you discuss what's going on with you with a psychiatrist, a doctor who has the training and certification to give you a definite diagnosis and medicate you, if necessary. Please don't wait to ask your doctor or your insurance company for a referral.
Sister Sacrifices Sleep to Accommodate Visiting Brother
DEAR ABBY: My brother lives in a different state, and every year he comes "home" for a week. I'm one of six siblings who live in the area, but "Jim" always stays with us. After the first time he stayed here he said, "I'll just keep your key for next year."
I love my brother, but this means giving him my bedroom for a week or more. We have no other bedrooms, so I have to share with my husband and get no sleep. I'm in my 70s, and after a week with no sleep I feel awful.
I have hinted to Jim about him staying with his son, but he says "no." The other siblings don't offer because he is so critical. Everything we do has to be his way.
I really need to tell him he must stay elsewhere, but I can't seem to find the right words. My siblings say just tell him. What should I do? -- NEEDS MY SLEEP
DEAR NEEDS SLEEP: Just tell him! Permit me to suggest a few phrases: "Jim, you will have to make other arrangements when you come to town because you can no longer stay with us. Going without sleep for a week while you use my bed is affecting my health, so please return our house key. We love you and would like to visit with you while you're here, and we hope you understand."
Do not feel guilty for saying any of it because you have been more than generous to your brother.
Early DUI Arrest Changes Teetotaler's Life Forever
DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, I went out for a night of social drinking with friends. After consuming several drinks, I made the mistake of thinking I could drive home. The result was I was arrested for DUI. As it was my first offense, the charges were dismissed after I completed a diversion program. Although not considered a conviction, the arrest is still accessible through open records in my state. This was, and is, a source of embarrassment to me.
I no longer drink alcohol. I want your readers to know they need to think twice before drinking and driving. That one night changed my life forever, and it will change theirs if they're involved in an accident and hurt or take someone's life. I was lucky that neither of those things happened to me.
Now I have a concern regarding my teenage daughter. She's at an age where she's aware of the dangers of drinking and driving. She has little respect for people she has heard about who have been arrested for DUIs. She doesn't know about my arrest. If she chose to, she could access my open records and see my DUI arrest. Should I tell her about my past, or keep it to myself? Although we have a good father/daughter relationship, I'm concerned if I tell her it could have a negative impact going forward. -- LEARNED THE LESSON
DEAR LEARNED: Some teens can be judgmental because they have not yet had enough life experience to practice empathy. While I don't think the odds are great that your daughter will search online to see if her parent has a record, I do think you should have another discussion with her about the repercussions of driving under the influence. And when you do, emphasize that this kind of error in judgment can happen to anyone who gets behind the wheel after drinking alcohol or ingesting prescription drugs because it once happened to you -- and unless she's aware, it could also happen to her.
Graduate Stumbles Over What Name to Put on Diploma
DEAR ABBY: I'm 54 and finally finishing my bachelor's degree. It has been a very long journey, and I'm excited to finally attain it. My question is: Which last name should I put on my degree? I still use my ex-husband's last name because I have a son with him. After I remarried I still didn't change it.
My educational goal was a personal one, and I'm proud of myself for finishing it. I wanted to use my maiden name on my degree because this degree is also for my parents, although both have since passed. So, which last name should I use for my degree? -- UNSURE IN TEXAS
DEAR UNSURE: If you plan to use your degree for anything more than a wall decoration, and plan on continuing to use your ex-husband's name in your career, put that name on the diploma. If not, using your maiden name as a sentimental tribute to your parents is a lovely idea.
Wedding Planning Is Driving Close Mom, Daughter Apart
DEAR ABBY: My 38-year-old daughter is being married this summer. This is her first marriage, and we are planning the wedding. She has never planned a big event like this before, and every suggestion I make gets us into a fight. I know it's upsetting her terribly, and it's upsetting me as well.
We have always been close. I understand it's her wedding, but I would like some input since my husband and I are paying for it, and there are certain traditions I would like continued. Also, every time I suggest inviting someone, her reaction is, "... I don't know. They're your friends, not mine." Well, I would like my friends to share this moment in my daughter's life. What's the solution here? -- FIGHTING IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR FIGHTING: You may be a "traditional" mother, but customs have changed since you were a bride. Among them is the fact that women your daughter's age usually pay for their own weddings, which entitles them to run their own show. I think the solution to your problem may involve suggesting that to your daughter. If you are footing the bill for the "show," you should absolutely have some say about the production, and your daughter should be mature enough to accept it -- along with the check -- or finance it herself.
Son's Caustic Sense of Humor May Work Against Him in the Dating World
DEAR ABBY: My son is 24 and in the military. He has always been sarcastic, and his humor always involves cutting the other person down. I think it can be part of the culture in the military, which has made it worse. I thought as he matured he would mellow. It wears you down and becomes exhausting after a while.
I'm afraid he'll never be able to find and keep a girlfriend if he keeps acting this way. The "humor" quickly wears thin, and no one wants to be spoken to like that.
When girls start dating, most of them are taught to watch how a guy treats his mother and sisters because that's how he'll treat her eventually. If a girlfriend of his heard how he speaks to me and his sisters, they would run. Nice girls want nice guys, who speak kindly. How do I talk to him about this, or should I just keep my mouth shut? -- EXHAUSTED IN THE EAST
DEAR EXHAUSTED: Not only should you not stay silent, recognize that you should have insisted your son treat you and his sisters with respect and consideration by the age of 10. While that message may be harder to impress upon him at this late date, have that discussion with him now, and point out what an unattractive personality trait he's displaying. If you want to couch it in terms of how it will affect his love life, by all means do. No woman with self-esteem would tolerate what he's doing for long because it's verbal abuse.
Grandma Is Alarmed by Grandson's Sleeping Arrangements
DEAR ABBY: My daughter's ex-husband allowed his 5-year-old son to sleep with his girlfriend's 6-year-old daughter during a weekend visit. What do you think of this? -- CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER
DEAR CONCERNED: Not knowing either child, I hesitate to venture an opinion. Their parents are in a better position to decide something like this, so it may be a subject to raise with them if you haven't already.