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Lifelong Bachelor's Interest in Teen Girl Triggers Alarm
DEAR ABBY: I have a 59-year-old brother-in-law who has always been a "proud bachelor." He isn't a rich, handsome, George Clooney-type bachelor, but a hand-to-mouth, burping, uncouth "Shallow Hal" kind of bachelor. He befriended a woman with four daughters, paying most of his attention to one of the daughters. He would take the woman and her girls to dinner, and take the daughters shopping without the mother.
Fast forward eight years. He wants to take the one daughter on a trip to Hawaii. And he has been telling everyone she is now 18 (the girl is still in high school). Should I say something to him, or mind my own business? He will likely hang up on me. I don't know the daughters or their mom well. Am I wrong to hear some alarm bells going off? -- WARY IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WARY: No, you are not wrong. The statement that the girl is "now 18" is a red flag for me, too. Rather than talk to your brother-in-law, inform the mother that he may be "grooming" her daughter for something more than an innocent tour of the islands. She should have noticed something was amiss eight years ago, when one daughter was singled out for special treatment, and put a stop to it then.
Violence and Cruelty May Cause Irreparable Harm to Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for five years. Early in our relationship, he became violent. Because of my economic status at the time, leaving was not an option.
I became pregnant with our child during our first year together. He ended up getting arrested for domestic violence against me (nothing toward our child) twice, and moved out for a year while court proceedings were taking place.
At first, he was incredibly cruel to me. I was so devastated by his arrests that I was grieving as if he had died. He then went through a series of interventions, and sought medical care and psychological counseling. He used to drink, but no longer does.
After a year, I let him move back home. But I no longer feel the same toward him. I am terribly unhappy. Even though he hasn't touched me and has toned down his anger, I can't forget the things he said and did to me. I don't want a divorce, though, because I do still love him. I just don't know how to proceed. Please help me. -- VICTIM IN OREGON
DEAR VICTIM: Nowhere in your letter did you mention whether you sought counseling to help you recover from the verbal and physical abuse. If you didn't, do it now.
There is a saying, "You can't unring the bell." You may love your husband, but verbal abuse can leave as many, or more, scars than physical abuse does. Until and unless you can completely forgive him for what he did to you, you won't be able to move on.
And by the way, if it turns out that you cannot, don't blame or punish yourself for it. Sometimes it's better for two people who care about each other to go their separate ways because it is healthier for both of them.
Cancer Patient Discusses Too Much Detail in Public
DEAR ABBY: A dear friend has been battling cervical cancer. Her condition has left her dependent on a colostomy bag. She's not shy about discussing it on Facebook and in public, where she speaks loudly. I have tried to be understanding and supportive, but there are limits.
My problem is, she's hell-bent on making sure I see this colostomy bag by frequently checking to see if it's full, even after returning from the bathroom where I'm certain she checked it. More recently, we were at a restaurant and she exposed her bag in full view of others while they were eating. (The bag was full!)
Not only was it disgusting, it's also unhygienic should the bag become disconnected or rupture. Am I insensitive for thinking this is inappropriate and that she should excuse herself to go to the bathroom? -- NAUSEATED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR NAUSEATED: No, I don't think you are insensitive. While a colostomy bag is nothing to be ashamed of, because it involves human waste, decorum dictates that it be kept away from the dining table. Have a frank talk with your friend, tell her her behavior is inappropriate, and ask her not to do it in front of you.
Mom Grapples With Accepting That Her Daughter Is Gay
DEAR ABBY: I grew up in the generation where if you were gay and you came "out of the closet," as it was called, you were not accepted in the community. A lot has changed since then. However, when it hits close to home, it's difficult for me to deal with.
My 19-year-old daughter told me three years ago that she's gay. At first I thought she was going through a phase and she was trying to find herself. Now she's dating girls her age, and I'm having a difficult time accepting it. Can you help me? -- STRUGGLING MOTHER IN ILLINOIS
DEAR STRUGGLING: Be glad we're not living in the bad old days because the ones we're living in are healthier for everyone. Start by congratulating yourself for having raised a daughter who is honest about her feelings and determined to live her life authentically. While some things may be different than you fantasized when she was little, it does not mean she won't be happy, successful and possibly a parent, if she wishes. Support her as she navigates through her journey in life. If you do, you -- and she -- will be fine.
Woman Doesn't Take the Hint That Man Wants Only to Be Friends
DEAR ABBY: During the last year, a female friend of mine has started suggesting that she wants more from our relationship than just a friendship. She has had a history of doing this whenever she becomes friends with a guy.
When she started sending me pictures that became more and more suggestive, I decided to distance myself from her. But in the last month, she has been getting increasingly bold with her advances. How do I handle this without hurting her? -- FRIEND AND NOTHING MORE IN IOWA
DEAR FRIEND: Tell your friend you like her, but what she has been doing is making you increasingly uncomfortable. Be direct about saying you are not interested in a sexual relationship with her. Then, if she persists, continue to distance yourself from her.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for two years. We both want biological children later, when the timing is right.
A while ago, some friends adopted a little girl from Russia. The girl was orphaned and badly in need of medical treatment. Our friends got her everything she needed and more, and I was touched by the experience of watching her develop into a happy, healthy child.
I realized I had a desire to do something similar, so I told my husband I wanted to adopt a child. He immediately shot the idea down and said he'd never be interested in raising a kid that wasn't his. It broke my heart a little. I'm not willing to end my marriage over this, but how can I reconcile my hurt feelings and not feel resentful? -- FUTURE MAMA IN ALABAMA
DEAR FUTURE MAMA: Your friends were fortunate because not all adoptions are successful, and not all blended families are happy ones. Be glad your husband was honest with you, and consider starting your family sooner than you originally planned -- provided you and your husband are in agreement about the timing.
DEAR ABBY: This has been bothering me for a while. Why do people put very old pictures of the deceased in the obituary? The people haven't looked like that for more than 40-plus years.
When I look at the obituaries and see the picture, I think how sad it is that the person died so young. Then I read the article and see they were in their 80s or 90s, and the photo was taken when they were in their 40s or even younger. I have seen high school pictures even.
Close friends and family know what they looked like when they died. Do they think they're fooling anyone? -- CURRENT PHOTO IN OHIO
DEAR CURRENT PHOTO: Please don't jump to conclusions. I don't think the pictures are published to "fool" anybody. This is how the family would like to remember their loved one -- in the full bloom of youth. If it comforts them, it should be fine with the rest of us because it's harming no one.
DEAR ABBY: What's the polite way to get guests to leave at the end of the night? I'm a pretty direct person, so generally I say, "Well, it's getting late now," or "I'm tired and would like to go to bed," but my husband keeps telling me I'm being rude.
When inviting someone over, is it in poor taste to ask them to leave by a certain time? I love that guests feel so comfortable and welcome in our home, but my husband and I work full time and have a 1-year-old. I need some me time at the end of the day. -- RUDE HOST IN THE EAST
DEAR "RUDE": A variation on how you're handling this would be to stand up and say, "'John' and I want to thank you for coming, but we have to work tomorrow." For a guest to ignore that cue would be rude. An almost surefire way to ensure guests are out by a certain time would be to make clear when they are invited that the evening will be "between 7 o'clock and 10."