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DEAR ABBY: I'm turning 17 and live with my dad and his girlfriend. They have broken up four times, causing my dad and me to retreat to the basement where we live the peaceful, happy life we did before he met her.
When they first started dating, she was very nice, and I liked her. However, because my mom is gone, she decided to assume the role of "mother" after they moved in together. I don't think she has the right to make decisions about me just because I no longer have a mother.
Dad has told me repeatedly that he doesn't want to continue a relationship with her, but she always manipulates him into getting back together. She treats him terribly, and it breaks my heart. I know he deserves better. His personality changes when he's with her. He gets mean and blames their problems on me because that's what she does.
I know I'm not responsible for this situation, but she makes me feel that way. I need stability, and I just want my dad back. What should I do? -- TEEN IN TURMOIL
DEAR TEEN: What's going on is not your fault. You should not assume responsibility for their problems because you can't fix them.
Talk with your father about how you are being made to feel. That he and this woman have broken up four times should have given him a clue that his relationship with her isn't a healthy one -- for him or for you. Your father is the adult in the family, and it is up to him to deal with this -- not you. Hiding in the basement isn't the answer.
Watchful Mom Disapproves of Free-Range Parents Next Door
DEAR ABBY: I have been having boundary issues with my neighbors and their children. We have different parenting styles. They are hands-off, free-range parents. I keep an eye on my daughter. They're all around the age of 5.
Problem is, every time I take my daughter outside their two children immediately run over to play with her. I'm seven months pregnant, and I do not want to be the neighborhood baby sitter! If any of those kids runs toward the road, I can't chase them down. I don't want to send my daughter to their yard to play because they have a pool, my daughter doesn't know how to swim and no one watches these kids.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I'd like to enjoy the nice weather alone with my daughter once in a while. She loves playing with them, but they just want to play with her toys -- not her -- and it almost always ends up with her in tears. What can I do? -- TEARS IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR TEARS: Talk to the parents! Explain that you would like to spend time outdoors with your little girl, and you are not prepared to watch their children. You should also mention that when their children run over to play, it's not with your daughter but with her toys, which hurts her feelings.
P.S. If your neighbors' pool is not fenced and any of the neighborhood children should fall in, the legal liability would be theirs. There is something known as an "attractive nuisance." An unsecured swimming pool would be an example.
Woman Finds Ways to Mend Lost Dream of Motherhood
DEAR ABBY: I have some suggestions for "Longing to Be a Mom" (Feb. 27), whose husband doesn't want a child. If you talk your husband into it, are you prepared to do all the parenting while he sits staring at the TV or starts working longer hours or worse? Are you prepared for the lack of connection that child might have with his/her father?
Grieve your loss. Losing the possibility for motherhood is a great loss. Find a support group or counselor who deals with loss. Believe me, I understand. My boyfriend told me he wanted children. Motherhood was my dream, and I lost my only child to an early miscarriage. Then my husband revealed he'd never really wanted children -- he only said he did because he wanted to marry me.
So I made a conscious decision to live a different life than I had planned, but a full and satisfying one. Thousands of children need someone to care. Explore opportunities to love a child who doesn't have your blood, but who could have your heart.
Help at a church's children's department, a Girl Scout troop, tutor children at a local school, offer to take a single mom's children to a park for an hour. The possibilities are endless.
No, it's not the same as bearing your own children. But even if one dream was dashed, take heart: You can still fulfill new ones. -- HELEN IN WASHINGTON
DEAR HELEN: Thank you for offering sensible advice to help "Longing" as well as other women in her situation. Readers suggested other ways to mother children who are already in the world: joining the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, volunteering at a day care facility or after-school program, contacting Boys and Girls Clubs of America, cuddling newborns at a hospital and becoming involved in a homeless shelter's Adopt-a-Family program.
DEAR ABBY: I love my husband very much. He's a very sweet and thoughtful man, but he's horrible at picking out gifts -- not just for me but for everybody. Occasionally he has given me something I liked, but usually his gifts are way off the mark, and I must pretend to like them to spare his feelings.
The last few years I've put together Christmas and birthday lists for him, hoping it would solve the problem, but he says he hates lists. He says it's better for someone to put "thought" behind a gift, which I agree with, but it's just not one of his talents.
Can you suggest a way to speak to him about this without hurting his feelings? It would be greatly appreciated. -- TIRED OF UGLY SWEATERS IN VIRGINIA
DEAR TIRED: Choose a time between gift-giving occasions to point out that while it may be the thought that counts, he could be getting better value for his money if he asked the recipients what their color preferences or needs are. Because you have assembled lists of suggestions and he chooses to ignore them, understand that your husband may have his own agenda in gift selection. And if you have your eye on something for a special occasion -- buy it for yourself.
Unhappy Mom Is Harassed by Her Family of Pranksters
DEAR ABBY: I tend to react poorly when someone pulls a prank on me. My reaction is usually anger, hurt or embarrassment, and I end up saying or doing things I later regret because emotion took over.
My husband has always liked playing pranks, and my children have started to follow his lead. The pranks tend to be things like ice down the back of my shirt, bopping the end of a glass or bottle while drinking so it splashes in my face, snapping wet towels, etc. I don't like it, and I never do it to them. If I react, I am made out to be the "bad guy" because I "can't take a joke."
I feel guilty about the latest incident because when my l0-year-old daughter bopped a drink in my face, I slapped her across the face. When I apologized for responding that way, she said, "Dad does it all the time."
I never get an apology from the pranksters. Is this normal? Are there others out there who don't like being the object of pranks? How do I get my family to understand that being subjected to these "jokes" isn't funny to me? -- UNAMUSED IN INDIANA
DEAR UNAMUSED: Jokes at the expense of others can be funny, as long as everyone agrees that they're funny. Because you have told your husband you not only don't find his pranks amusing but find them hurtful, I can only conclude that his sense of humor is sadistic. Further, it has set a poor example for the children.
I wonder how your husband would feel if you informed him after a hard day that his accountant had called saying he owes $25,000 in back taxes. (Ho, ho!) Or if you poured a pitcher of ice water on him at 2 a.m. Would that be equally "funny"? I doubt it. Normally, I wouldn't stoop to that level, but this may be an exception.
Hard-Working Dancer Gets Little Respect for Her Choice of College Major
DEAR ABBY: I am writing because we are receiving some snide comments because of our daughter's choice of college major. She's majoring in dance. When people with college-age kids or grandkids find out, you can see it in their expression or hear it in their tone of voice. "Oh, really? Ummm, how nice." Or worse, the condescending, "How 'sweet.'"
Our daughter has always been an honor student. Starting in high school she carried full loads of classes, extracurriculars, held jobs and was active in church. In college she has added dance company and sorority to her resume.
I want these people to realize it takes guts to pursue her dream of becoming a dancer/choreographer and not major in something more conventional. We support her decision, and she already has her associate's degree in a field that will be useful as a backup. Why can't people understand that fine arts majors are brave, bold and passionate about their crafts? -- DANCER'S MOM IN TEXAS
DEAR DANCER'S MOM: If you react to the comments in a positive way rather than become defensive, they would give you the opening to smile and tell these "conventional thinkers" how proud you are of your daughter's choice to pursue her dreams, that her courage in pursuing a field as competitive as entertainment is more than "nice" and you admire her for it.