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Tension Mounts for Tired Mom Who Gets Little Help From Dad
DEAR ABBY: I am a working mother of three who may be battling postpartum depression. I feel like I am parenting alone. I get the kids out of the house by myself in the morning before my husband even drags himself out of bed. I drop the kids off. I go to work.
I teach, so my day is spent dealing with other people's kids, and then I pick my own kids up. I have no time to decompress or devote to myself.
When there are school functions, my husband makes me feel guilty that I'm not spending time with the kids. Now he's starting to make me feel guilty because the kids like him less than they do me. How do I get across to him that if he did more and was around them more, they would like him more?
I'm so tired from juggling all these balls. I feel like if something were to happen to me, he'd have no clue what to do. How can I fix this situation? I don't want to resent him, but I'm starting to. -- EXHAUSTED, HOT MESS MOM
DEAR MOM: Postpartum depression is more than being tired and overscheduled. It's a medical condition that, left untreated, can have serious consequences.
It might help to discuss what's going on with your physician, who can then help you explain to your husband that if he doesn't step up, he could indeed be left with the sole responsibility of taking care of the children. You're right. You shouldn't be carrying the whole load, and the bonus would be the likelihood that your husband's relationship with the children would improve.
DEAR ABBY: I have two daughters, and we don't always see eye to eye. I think one of them is emotionally abusive because she is so critical about everything having to do with me.
The problem is I have wonderful grandkids who are very young. I would love to see them grow up, but I'm able to see them only perhaps 24 days out of the year. I feel lonely knowing my daughter and her husband are so close yet so far because they're too busy with their lives to let me interact with my grandchildren.
I do have my own things to do and I am active, but I would love a change of scenery after two marriages. I would love to visit new places and make new friends and build a new life for myself. But I wonder if it would be abandoning my grandchildren. I could still visit them two to three times a year from wherever I end up.
I have sacrificed all my life doing the right things by putting others first, and I'm afraid that if I don't travel now or live somewhere else, I may not be well enough later on. What do you think is a good solution for me? -- AT A CROSSROADS IN MINNESOTA
DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: I agree you should move. Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but if it doesn't, at least you will have a chance to live your dream. Take it while you're young enough to enjoy it, and video chat with the grandkids.
Search Begins for Recipes to Replace Lost Heirlooms
DEAR ABBY: Due to some unfortunate family circumstances, I was devastated to discover that nearly all of my boxes of cherished recipes had been destroyed. I'm now starting over from scratch to collect special recipes I can pass down to my children.
Most of my family members have died, so they can no longer be a resource for the traditional dishes I grew up with. I saw a post online a while back about a cookbooklet set you were offering. Is it still available, and how much does it cost? It would mean a lot to me to be able to share some of your favorite recipes with my kids and younger relatives. -- LORIE IN ENCINO, CALIF.
DEAR LORIE: Having been a compulsive recipe collector for many years, I can imagine how frustrating it was to discover your recipes were gone. I hope my recipe booklets will start you on your way to rebuilding your collection.
Many readers have written to tell me that my recipes are great for entertaining and actually save calories when they are divided among a greater number of guests. The Raw Apple Cake serves 16. (Remember, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away.") Think of the fiber! The Pecan Pie has taken blue ribbons in county fairs. Others were featured on the covers of women's magazines.
My cookbooklet set contains more than 100 tasty recipes for soups, salads, appetizers, main courses and desserts that can be used when friends and family get together to celebrate holidays and special occasions. Once you start reviewing "Cookbooklet II," you will see that a sweet tooth runs in my family. The cookbooklets are sold as a set and can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. I hope you will enjoy all the recipes because dinner guests, family members -- as well as other readers -- have raved about them. They have even been used as the basis for Dear Abby-themed dinner parties. (The place cards were decorated with hearts and flowers, and the centerpiece was a "bouquet" of envelopes addressed to me.)
Included in this collection are tips on entertaining for those who are inexperienced or nervous about it. Remember, although what you put on the table is important, it's who you put in the chairs that makes a great party.
DEAR ABBY: What do you do if your friends have graciously given you several nights free at a lovely beach hotel, but your room faces a huge wall covered by a black tarp -- a construction site? We've been told that no other rooms are available. -- ROOM WITH NO VIEW
DEAR ROOM: Because other accommodations aren't available, you graciously accept that you won't be looking out at the moonlit water. Then do your best to enjoy your free holiday, spending as much time on the sunlit beach as you can. (Don't forget to use sunscreen!)
Mom Is Desperate to Stop Teen's Violent Outbursts
DEAR ABBY: I'm a mother of two boys, 13 and 12. My oldest son has become very abusive, both physically and emotionally. He has been arrested for hitting me and hitting his little brother. He was recently kicked off the bus for hitting another student and has also been locked out of school.
I have tried therapy and medications for him, but he hasn't changed. I'm at my wits' end, ready to give up and hand him over to the court. He has both parents and a loving home. I don't know what to do anymore. I love my son, but can no longer do this. Please tell me how to help him! -- LOVING MOTHER IN TENNESSEE
DEAR LOVING MOTHER: Much information is missing from your letter. What triggers your son's violent episodes? Could he have a learning disability? Is he being teased or bullied, which might explain why he hit another student? Has he been ill, or could he have sensory integration difficulties?
At 13, it's too soon to throw up your hands and give up. Because therapy and medication haven't helped your son, I would have to ask what kind of therapist has been seeing him. When treatment doesn't work, a patient may need a more comprehensive assessment -- a second opinion or even a third. My suggestion would be to take him to a teaching hospital. And while you're there, please consider asking about some support for yourself because you have a lot on your shoulders.
Debt-Free Parents Won't Stop Handing out Unwanted Advice
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my late 30s and moved away from my parents when I was 17. My husband doesn't make a lot of money, but he gives me his whole paycheck for the household expenses every week. Because we live paycheck to paycheck, we rarely have much money left at the end of the month. But we make it.
The issue is my parents. They are retired now and received a nice inheritance when my grandparents passed. They used the money to pay off every debt they had, and now they won't stop telling me how to save money or how to spend it. Now that they're financially stable, they seem to have forgotten they lived paycheck to paycheck when they were my age. I rarely speak to them anymore because of it.
How can I get them to back off without starting a war? They're retired and bored, and they love drama. The slightest thing starts a battle they drag other family into. -- PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK IN OHIO
DEAR PAYCHECK: That your parents feel the need to enlist the support of other relatives in their arguments with you is wrong. All they have managed to accomplish is to put you on the defensive. However, has it not occurred to you that they're dispensing financial advice because they are hoping to help you avoid some of the mistakes they made before they received that windfall?
Listen politely, thank them for caring, discuss it with your husband, and decide if some of it applies in your situation. Then keep what you can use and discard the rest.