TO MY READERS: A very Happy Easter to you all! -- LOVE, ABBY
Customer Resents Questioning When Making a Store Purchase
DEAR ABBY: Is there a polite way to refuse giving store clerks personal information? It seems like every time I shop, the clerks demand email, phone number, even birthdate, and they get testy when I say I just want to complete my purchase. I find it so intrusive that I'm tempted to leave the items on the counter and walk out.
On a similar note, how can I politely tell my doctor or dentist that I prefer not to be treated by anyone with cold symptoms? A few days ago, I was at the dentist and the hygienist had a cold. I didn't want to be a complainer, so I didn't say anything because I couldn't find the right words, but I should have. Frankly, I was floored that she hadn't been sent home. Please advise. -- BARBARA IN KENTUCKY
DEAR BARBARA: You are under no obligation to give your private information when making a purchase because, too often, the information winds up on a mailing list that can be sold, and often is. The polite way to refuse is to simply say, "I would prefer not to share that information."
I found your question regarding dental hygienists to be of particular interest because in the dental office I use, the hygienist wears gloves and sometimes a face guard to prevent her from catching something from her patients. Of course, her hands are thoroughly scrubbed before she even picks up an instrument, so the danger of her giving me anything besides a thorough cleaning is practically nil.
Because you are concerned about catching colds, tell your dentist you would prefer to reschedule your appointment if you will be in close contact with anyone in the office who is sick -- and repeat that to his/her receptionist.
DEAR ABBY: At an amusement park recently, I was unable to win the woman I'm dating the oversized stuffed giraffe she desired. I tried valiantly, but winning wasn't in the cards for me. She forgave me, but I'm afraid she harbors more resentment than she let on. Since then her behavior has been peculiar. She emails me pictures of giraffes, stretches her neck to frightening lengths, and got a giraffe tattoo that extends from her wrist to her shoulder.
I know the ability to win a stuffed animal for a lover is a potent measure of a man's worth. My failure has left my masculinity sagging. Is there anything I can do to reaffirm my manhood and salvage my relationship? Or should I troll the avenues of Manhattan in search of a lady whose faith I have not shattered? -- PRIZELESS IN NEW YORK
DEAR PRIZELESS: Do not troll the avenues hunting for a woman you won't disillusion. New York has several zoos; if you take your girlfriend to visit a real, live giraffe, it may raise your standing.
I'm often asked if I can spot a fake letter. So I'm taking the opportunity to wish both of you a happy April Fools' Day! Your tale of woe is about as tall as the giraffe you didn't win for your beloved.
Past Abuse Undermines Wife's Focus on Happy New Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I'm 42 years old and in my second marriage. My first husband was very abusive. My second loves me, respects me, defends me and has brought out the best in me. But I don't feel like I do the same for him.
Things will get good in our relationship, and then I will lose perspective again, which causes conflict. How do I fix that? How do I find it again, and the sex drive I have lost? I'm so happy. He makes me just glow at times. -- TRYING TO FIND MYSELF
DEAR TRYING: The best place to find your perspective would be on the couch of a licensed mental health therapist. It appears you may have brought the baggage from your first marriage into this one. It's not unusual for people who have been in abusive relationships to have emotional scars. Start interviewing now, and don't stop until you find someone you are comfortable confiding in.
Friend's Tardiness Crosses the Line Into Rudeness
DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend I met at work three years ago. She's African-American. We have lunch or coffee almost weekly. She always arrives late for our get-togethers, but lately it's become too much. She has made me wait 40 minutes to an hour rather than the usual 10 to 20 minutes. When I show my frustration, she says she is on BPT (Black People Time).
I have tried adopting her lifestyle of being late, but it makes me anxious because I am a very prompt person. I have heard comedians talk about BPT, but I know not all black people do this because I work with others who are considerate of other people's time. Any suggestions? -- LADY IN WAITING
DEAR LADY IN WAITING: What your friend is doing is showing a lack of respect not only for your time but also for your feelings. The next time you arrange to see her, warn her that in the future you will wait no more than 15 minutes, and if she doesn't show up, you will leave. Then do it. If seeing you is important to her, she'll manage to get there. If not, you will know you need to make arrangements with other friends for coffee and lunch.
Officiant at Friends' Weddings Wonders About Giving a Gift, Too
DEAR ABBY: I am a funeral director by trade, but a couple of years ago one of my good friends asked me to officiate at his wedding. I was happy to do it, and I have since been asked by several other friends to perform their wedding ceremonies, too. I did three last year and have two scheduled for this year.
I am always happy to help, and I don't charge an honorarium. My question is: Am I required to give the couple a gift? I'd like to do what is appropriate. -- MARRYING & BURYING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR M&B: No rule of etiquette requires you to give the couple a gift in addition to the services you are performing for free. If you would like to give them something in addition, by all means do, but it shouldn't be expected.
Man Waiting in the Wings Tires of One-Way Romance
DEAR ABBY: I have been communicating with this girl I work with who is currently seeing a guy she's been with for four years. We have a strong connection and physical attraction, and we have both disclosed our feelings to each other.
We communicate rarely by text but never through phone calls, for obvious reasons. Her man works for the same company we do but in a different building. It's clear to me that he doesn't complement her being or lifestyle and will never rise to her level.
I let her know that if she were to break things off with him, I would want to give it a try, and she said the same. She contacts me only when she wants and flirts with me whenever we are in contact, but it's always at her convenience.
We have known each other for a year and a half now, and she claims she cares for me. My question, Abby, is how should I go about moving this situation forward? -- IN LINE FOR HER IN NEW YORK
DEAR IN LINE: From where I sit, the ball is in her court, not yours. Because nothing has happened in the last year and a half, you appear to be a diversion rather than the main event.
She has been with her boyfriend for four years. If she were willing to sacrifice the time she has put in with him for a chance to see if things work out with you, it would have happened by now. Because you want a real relationship with someone, my advice is to look elsewhere for one.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter has zero style sense. She tints her hair every color under the sun and dresses straight from the sale bin at the thrift store. She mismatches any and everything she puts on, and she's doing it to her children, too. Their clothes are dingy and outdated. I have bought them stylish clothing. She returns them and gets the ugliest clothes.
She also gives the kids hideous haircuts. If I take them to a stylist, she will buzz the entire cut into a Mohawk. My granddaughter had the most beautiful long hair, and my daughter just cut it into a mullet with short bangs.
Why does she want her kids looking ratty? She keeps a clean house and is an involved, loving mother. It drives me crazy. I try to keep my mouth shut because a gift is a gift. But it really annoys me that she will take back a top-label shirt and exchange it for an ugly one, or a pretty, sparkly dress for my granddaughter for a trashy-looking blue velvet dress with yellow rubber boots. Why? -- STYLISH GRAN IN ARIZONA
DEAR STYLISH GRAN: You are asking the wrong person that question. This is something you should ask your daughter. The answer may be as simple as her taste -- and her children's -- is different from yours. Or, these style choices are something her kids are OK with because this is what their friends are wearing.
TO MY JEWISH READERS: Why is tonight different from every other night? Because Passover begins at sundown. Happy Passover, everyone. May your celebration be sweet!