TO MY JEWISH READERS: The eight days of Hanukkah begin at sundown. (So early this year!) Happy Hanukkah, everyone! A joyous Festival of Lights to all of us!
Stay-at-Home Mom Seeks Adult Contact by Giving Art Lessons
DEAR ABBY: I am a shy, 30-year-old woman. I stay at home with our 10-month-old, primarily because of our family's financial situation.
I am gifted in the visual arts, but because I don't have an art degree, I'm unable to pursue a professional job in the arts. Instead, I have been advertising to teach private art lessons at home. One month in, I have one student.
The past months have been lonely, and I am aching for friendship. My husband doesn't seem to understand this. We know one family, but we are not close. I am considering offering free lessons to their kindergartner because it would not only help me to develop professionally, but also give me some adult interaction, which I desperately need. Again, my husband doesn't understand this, and doesn't want me to teach this child for free. How can I make him see? -- UNFULFILLED ARTIST IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ARTIST: Your husband appears to be unusually controlling. Have you told him the reason you want to give the family free art lessons is so you can have some much-needed adult interaction? If you haven't, you should, rather than keep silent.
He should not be isolating you the way he appears to be, which strikes me as worrisome. Is his motivation for keeping you in the house and away from others the money or something else?
I think you should try doing what you have in mind and see how it works out. And if there are other young mothers in your area who gather so their children can socialize, perhaps you could attend and make some friendships there. If your husband continues to be as possessive as he appears to be, consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7233 for suggestions.
P.S. I encourage you to go for that degree as soon as you are financially able.
Grandmother Lobbies Mom to Get Help for Teen's Acne
DEAR ABBY: My grandson is 16, a good student, a great athlete and popular. We are very proud of him. The problem is, he has terrible acne and picks at his face constantly.
His mother, my daughter-in-law, is a nurse practitioner and a germaphobe. I'm constantly surprised that she doesn't take him to a dermatologist and remind him to keep his hands away from the sores on his face. I know it isn't my place to correct him or suggest a dermatologist. She certainly is aware that he has a problem, but she acts like it doesn't bother her.
While I realize this is a stage many teenagers go through and it will pass, his constant picking keeps his face red and looking irritated. Is there anything I can say or do to help without intruding in their space? -- CARING GRANDMA IN TEXAS
DEAR GRANDMA: Yes. Your grandson would not be picking at the pimples if they didn't bother him. Point out to your daughter-in-law that while your grandson's acne may be "just a phase," there are things that can be done to clear it up, and the solution is to consult a dermatologist before he gives himself scars that may last a lifetime. This would not be intruding. It would be acting like the loving, caring grandparent that you are.
Slipping Grades Make Teen Question Planned Career Path
DEAR ABBY: I'm 17 and don't know what I want to do with my life. When I was younger, I was sure I wanted to go into the field of law. It was something my parents also wanted me to do.
I go to a very rigorous high school that's known for being challenging, and haven't been doing well grade-wise since I started. I used to be a straight-A student but have been getting B's and C's lately. This year in particular has been difficult because my parents are getting divorced.
I'm not sure if I want to be a lawyer anymore or even continue my education after college. When I talked with my parents about it, they got very mad and insisted I finish my education, become a lawyer and get a job. They don't want to give me any other option. Can you give me some suggestions about how I can not be so confused anymore? -- CONFUSED IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CONFUSED: This is something you should discuss with a counselor at your school. While I concur with your parents that it is important to complete your education, there are other ways to do it rather than become a lawyer. I say this because in some states there is a glut of law school graduates who, after all their effort and accrued student loan debt, cannot find jobs because there are no openings available for them.
DEAR ABBY: I live in a mid-sized town in the South. I need advice on how to politely tell people that I don't like drop-in company.
I work a stressful job. When I get home, I like to put on my old, comfortable clothes, curl up with a book or watch TV with my companion dog and be left alone. I'm not trying to be rude, but I think it is rude for people to drop in unannounced.
A few years ago, I had a life-threatening illness, and I am still getting my stamina back to full strength. I need downtime to recharge so I can handle the stresses of my job. However, I am apparently perceived in this Southern community as unfriendly. How do I put out the "NOT Welcome" mat while at the same time not alienating my community? -- LACKS SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY
DEAR LACKS: Honesty is the best policy. If apologies are due, express them. Explain to these nice people that you don't mean to appear unfriendly, and you would like to be social, but your job is stressful and takes a lot out of you, and the reason you can't entertain or socialize is you don't have the stamina. If they are offended after that, the problem is theirs.
Family May Disapprove of Woman's Interest in Widower
DEAR ABBY: I have been separated from my husband for nine years and have no interest in getting back together with him. There's a guy who I believe is interested in me. He was married to my first cousin for nearly 40 years, until she passed away a little over a year ago. He's a really nice person, but I'm not sure I should (or even could) date him because he was married to my cousin. Is this OK or not? I could use some advice! -- CAUTIOUS IN TEXAS
DEAR CAUTIOUS: If you were single, I would tell you it's fine -- go for it. But you're not single, which could cause disapproval within the family.
Mother Thinks Teen Is Missing out by Dating Over the Phone
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl who has been in a long-distance relationship for two years. We're still in high school and actively involved in sports and extracurricular activities. During the fall months I cheer, and in the winter months he plays basketball. Our schedules only really allow for texting and FaceTiming rather than going out.
Although our time is spent communicating on the phone, I feel we have a strong connection, and I am devoted to him. However, my mom is concerned "because I'm not dating and taking advantage of opportunities that could come with dating someone closer." She criticizes him nonstop and thinks he's making excuses and avoiding a commitment. She'd like to see me going out and having fun with someone like most girls my age do.
I don't think he's making excuses, and I don't feel as though I'm missing out on any opportunities. This disagreement is causing an issue between my mom and me. I feel that he's The One, but Mom is finding it challenging to accept this. I would love to hear your advice. -- FAR, BUT CLOSE, IN MICHIGAN
DEAR F. BUT C.: You may feel that this young man is "The One," but your mother has a point. Please listen to her. Rather than sit home every night because you are devoted only to him, you should socialize and develop non-romantic relationships. It wouldn't be betraying him. Most young people go out in groups, and that's what you should be doing. This may be what your mother is trying to convey rather than saying he isn't The One.
Also, you and this young man have years of education to complete before you'll be in a position to formalize your relationship. While you are doing that, both of you will meet new people and be offered opportunities that may broaden your horizons. Think about it.
Man Volunteers for Holiday Hours Instead of Celebrating With Wife's Family
DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, my husband, "Dennis," has worked Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. He's in a business where he doesn't have to be the only one to work these holidays. He volunteers to do it because of the tips and holiday pay. When I walked into the office today, I saw a note he had written to his boss asking to work both holidays again.
Years ago when my father was alive, he hosted Christmas Eve for our family. Then the tradition was handed down to me, and I proudly hosted them. Now that Dennis and I are together, our place is too small, so I asked my son to do it and he gladly agreed.
My problem is, I will have to go to my son's alone again for Christmas Eve, and my son and daughter-in-law feel insulted because Dennis won't come for the holidays. How do I deal with this? -- HUSBANDLESS FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AGAIN
DEAR HUSBANDLESS: It appears you and Dennis have been married only a short time. Was he like this when you were dating? If the answer is no, it's time to ask him if he intends to continue working holidays indefinitely. And when you do, let him know that his refusal to spend family time with your son and daughter-in-law hurts their feelings as well as yours.
If that doesn't convince him to compromise, you will have to explain to your son and his wife that Dennis prefers to work rather than attend holiday celebrations and to please not take it personally because it's not personal.