A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight is the night when wee witches and goblins will be out trick-or-treating. Please supervise them so they'll be safe. Happy Halloween, everyone! -- Love, ABBY
Runaway Dad on Dating Site Is Guilty of False Advertising
DEAR ABBY: Last year I had a baby with one of my college professors. He left me 10 days before our daughter was born and has never met her. I chased him through family court, and he gives me the bare minimum in state-ordered support.
Recently, I spotted him advertising himself on a dating website as a loving man and describing how he loves his first daughter with no mention of ours (he has two other children, a girl and a boy). How do I move past this? A part of me is angry for her, but I'm also angry for myself. I'm in therapy, but seeing him on a dating website describing himself as a good person, when in truth he's a sociopath, has reopened wounds I thought had closed months ago. -- OPEN WOUNDS
DEAR OPEN WOUNDS: Thank you for writing to me, but this is a question you should be addressing with your psychotherapist. Sometimes it takes multiple doses of "medicine" to cure an ailment, but the longer you allow this man to occupy real estate in your head, the harder it will be for you to get on with your life. Call your therapist.
Long-Winded Storyteller Needs Help Cutting to the Chase
DEAR ABBY: I love my fiance with all my heart. We have good friends and family. The problem is, my fiance loves to talk. He talks a lot.
I've known this since I met him, but because I don't talk much, it doesn't bother me. I like listening to his stories. However, I can see our friends getting annoyed because of his constant talking. It also happens when we are around his family -- and they usually end up treating him badly for it.
Is there any way I can gently talk to him about this so he's aware that he is irritating people? I don't want to hurt him, but I also don't want him to annoy people. I'm also afraid it may affect his employment. His co-workers get that same look on their faces when he's talking that his family members do when they are annoyed with him. -- ENGAGED TO A BIG TALKER
DEAR ENGAGED: Your fiance may have difficulty picking up on social cues, which is why he doesn't notice that others become annoyed as he drones on and on. You should absolutely point out to him what you have noticed, and tell him you are concerned that it may affect his employment. Then suggest he discuss his compulsive talking with a licensed mental health professional. This is not to imply there is anything "wrong" with him, but rather that he may benefit from professional help in recognizing the social cues he is missing.
Second Husband Fails to Earn His Sister-in-Law's Approval
DEAR ABBY: My sister "Eileen" is married to her second husband, a man I'll call Harry. He's nice, but some of his choices landed him in jail for a while. I'm polite when we see him, but I don't trust him.
Eileen and Harry live beyond their means. They rent a large house and buy luxury cars rather than something more economical. These are my observations; I never mention them to my sister. Although she's happy to give advice on what's wrong with my life, she becomes defensive if anyone else says anything about how she lives.
My concern is, she refuses to visit or spend time with me and my family without her husband. Before our mom's death a few years ago, I offered to buy her an airline ticket to fly here for a few days to visit. Because she's very organized, I recently invited her to come -- at my expense -- and offered to pay her to help me declutter my house. She declined both invitations because I wouldn't buy a ticket for Harry. (I didn't have the money.)
I think my sister's marriage is very co-dependent. Abby, what should I do? -- WANTS SOME SISTER TIME
DEAR WANTS SOME SISTER TIME: While Harry may have made some poor choices in the past -- for which he has paid the penalty -- he seems to make your sister happy. Assuming that you have told her you love and miss her and would like to be able to spend "sister time" with her, I think it's time to accept that they are a package deal and stop trying to separate them.
Because you crave sister time, offer to go there and visit her. She seems to be happily living the life she has chosen, so stop putting negative labels on her relationship with her husband.
Just Say No, Politely, to Boss's Daughter Who Wants to Baby-Sit
DEAR ABBY: I never thought I'd be writing you, but I have a situation that needs an objective opinion.
My husband works for a small company owned by a nice couple. They have a teenage daughter who keeps asking to baby-sit our three kids. Abby, we have a special needs child and a new baby. Although the girl seems to be kind and responsible, our children would be a challenge for an adult, let alone a teenager.
Also, we are on a very tight, one-income budget with money needed for therapies. I don't want to mention it because I don't want to insinuate they aren't paying my husband enough, but it is a serious deterrent.
How can I gracefully decline her offers without offending my husband's employer? Keeping him in good standing with his company is my primary concern because he works hard and loves his job. -- ANONYMOUS IN THE USA
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Explain your refusal as an abridged version of what you wrote to me. Thank the girl for her kind offer and tell her that because your older child has special needs and the baby requires constant supervision, you prefer not to have anyone baby-sit until they are older. The explanation is reasonable, logical and the truth.
Family Jumps to Conclusions About Woman's Career Choice
DEAR ABBY: I'm a woman who was honorably discharged from the military recently and am now in an electrical construction apprenticeship. I'm starting a great career in a field I love that can give me a comfortable living without having to rely on a second job.
My problem is my family. Most of them are convinced that I hate men or I wish I was one. The rest are sure that I will emasculate anyone I would start dating.
I'm not a lesbian, and I like being female. I have no problem with anyone who follows different life paths than mine. My family is basing these opinions purely on what I have chosen to do for work. In their opinion, because I chose to work in what is considered nontraditional employment for "nice young ladies," as they put it, and can work on my house and car without extra assistance, it must be true.
I have tried repeatedly to explain that what I have chosen for a living has no bearing on my gender identity or my sexual orientation. They are completely ignoring anything I have to say about my life and life choices. Sometimes I wonder how I'm even related to these people. If I were asked to deploy back to the war zone, I'd happily leave tomorrow, because it would be easier than dealing with the small-minded, narrow viewpoints I'm encountering here at home. -- HOW CAN I MAKE THEM LISTEN?
DEAR HOW: It is beyond sad that you would find returning to a war zone more appealing than dealing with the pressure you're receiving because of your career choice. But please try not to blame your family for their outdated thinking. Many people are unaware that women are now being trained -- and succeeding in -- high-paying jobs once held only by men.
Because your relatives refuse to believe that you're heterosexual, stop wasting your time trying to convince them otherwise. Live your life in an authentic way, and if you meet a nice man and decide to settle down with him, eventually they'll realize they were mistaken.
Women Now Return the Favor to Men Who Open Doors for Them
DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 40s and live in New York City. I was taught to hold doors open for women and to allow women to exit the elevator first. Problem is, in our lobby there are two separate glass doors that must be opened to walk outside the building. If I let a woman neighbor leave the elevator first, she will then have to open and hold both doors for me. But I always feel awkward if I don't allow them out first, and I sometimes worry they think I'm rude for walking ahead. Sometimes I even want to explain my actions. I just figure holding and opening two heavy glass doors is more polite than allowing someone to exit the elevator first. What's the proper protocol in a situation like this? -- A GENTLEMAN IN NEW YORK
DEAR NEW YORK GENTLEMAN: While it is polite for a man to hold a door open for a woman, it would also be considered good manners if she returns the favor if she's the first to reach the lobby door. As to the rule of etiquette for elevators, the person at the front of the elevator should exit first, if the elevator is crowded.