CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Happy Fourth of July, everyone. Celebrate safely! Love, Abby
Friends Admit 'Living It Up' Isn't All It's Cracked Up to Be
DEAR ABBY: I'm sick when I read about girls in great relationships who feel like they are trapped and they need to live life. They throw away a great relationship with someone who loves them. How is dumping someone who loves you "living"?
I met my husband in high school and we went to parties, nightclubs and traveled -- always together. We had each other's backs and pushed each other to achieve what we wanted. And the best part was, I had my best friend with me during all of my greatest life moments.
Now, after 23 years of marriage, I hear stories from my women friends who dumped their guys in order to live it up and now wish they never had. They ALL said: "Guess what you get with a one-night stand? You get left with disappointment because the guy doesn't know what you like in bed or gives you an STD." And while they were "living life," the boyfriend they loved and wish they had back found someone else.
So, all of you out there who think you're not living life: It's not because of the guy you're with. It's YOU holding yourself back. Try life with your partner and see what happens before you throw it all away for a one-night stand you'll most likely regret. -- LIVING LIFE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR LIVING LIFE: When a young woman writes to me saying she feels trapped and wants to live life, what it indicates to me is that the person either isn't getting what she needs from her boyfriend or that she's not mature enough to settle down.
Mature individuals realize that compromise is necessary in successful relationships, but these young women appear to prefer to gamble on all or nothing. I'm sharing your wisdom with them, but I'm not at all certain they will appreciate it.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a good marriage and two well-behaved kids who are good students and active in our community. Our 8-year-old son is very much the rule follower in school and outside activities, but cheats when playing board or card games with me or his sister at home.
When I catch him doing it, I end the game and tell him I won't play with him if he's going to cheat. My wife believes the cheating is "just for fun" and that I'm being too hard on him. I say the lesson I'm teaching him is that cheating is wrong.
We agree we are fortunate this happens only at home, but I'm concerned that if it is left unchecked, it will be regarded as permissible and it will escalate to become a problem in other circumstances. What do you think? Should I let up? -- VIRGINIA DAD
DEAR DAD: No, stick to your guns. And the next time you catch your son cheating, impress upon him that if others catch him at it, they not only won't want to play games with him, but also may not want to be friends with him.
Dream of Second Child Fades With Husband's Change of Heart
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Van," and I have been married 10 years. He's 40; I'm 33. Our daughter just turned 7. Shortly after she was born, Van informed me he didn't want to have more children. He said he was happy with just one. It was hard for me to accept, but eventually I came to peace with his decision.
Recently, he began talking about wanting another child. I was, of course, very excited. After much discussion we decided we would start trying last April, but when the time came, he confessed he'd had a change of heart. He said he's getting too old to have a newborn, and worries about how old he'll be once the child is grown, etc.
I respect and understand his reasoning, but I'm having trouble moving past my disappointment. I spent so much time trying to accept that we wouldn't have more kids, having the opportunity again was a dream come true. I don't want to pressure Van into changing his mind, but I'm starting to resent him. Our daughter has said she'd like a sibling, too. Abby, what to do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN GEORGIA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Under the circumstances, your resentment is understandable. Your husband should not have raised your hopes if he was ambivalent about something you want so badly. Couples counseling might help you to overcome your disappointment or, if he would consent to it, help him to work through his fears about becoming a father again. Forty is not over the hill, and many men have added to their families at that age.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two kids under the age of 2. Our close friends "John and Jane" also have two kids under 2.
We recently invited them to our oldest daughter's birthday party. When they arrived, Jane informed me they hadn't had time to shop for a gift and that they "owed us one." I brushed it off and said I was just happy they came.
Well, now it's their older daughter's birthday. We are invited and I'm confused. Do we still buy her a gift? We want to go, but we feel ripped off because our daughter received nothing. Would it be rude to attend the party without buying their daughter a gift? -- RIPPED OFF IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR RIPPED OFF: Yes, it would. You say these are close friends. John and Jane may not have followed up with a gift for your daughter because you told them you were "just happy they came," so don't hold it against them. If this happened repeatedly, my advice might be different, but this may simply have been an oversight.
DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate for a big winner to share a small fraction of the winnings with the person who picked the successful numbers at a casino crap table? -- LUCKY OUT WEST
DEAR LUCKY: It is not only appropriate, but I think it is also expected. To do otherwise would be considered selfish -- particularly by the person who was stiffed.
Girl Should Seek Some Help to Sweeten Her Tart Tongue
DEAR ABBY: I'm 15. My problem is I often mouth off and insult people. When I'm asked to explain why I said what I did, I answer with, "I don't know" or a shrug. It's the truth. It upsets me that I act this way, and I have lost friends because of it.
My parents think counseling and therapy are a coward's way out, and I don't want to go to my school counselors because they'll tell my parents or the state. Is it a blatant choice not to care, something subconscious or a possible disorder? I'm under a lot of stress. I know stressors can cause people to act this way, but I have a feeling it's not caused by stress. What should I do? -- NERVOUS AND AFRAID
DEAR NERVOUS AND AFRAID: Everyone snaps sometimes, but because it has ruined relationships, do talk to a school counselor or other adult you trust about what's happening. Your behavior may just be part of being a teenager, but if the stressors in your life might also be a factor, it's important you understand what triggers your behavior so you can modify it.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl and I have an identical twin. The problem is, she always gets all the attention, especially from boys. I don't understand why because we look exactly alike, and in my opinion, I have the better personality. When I'm around her, which is practically all the time, I feel invisible -- as if people only see HER. How do I get people to stop noticing my sister and get them to see that I deserve some attention? -- HERE, TOO, IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HERE, TOO: You say you and your twin are together practically all the time. THAT may be the problem. If you want to be noticed, start joining activities on your own. That way, you will develop separate interests and, along with them, separate friendships. Although you and your twin are identical, you do not have to be joined at the hip. Remember that.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 27 and my grandparents have played very important roles in my life. I know they won't be here forever, and I cry myself to sleep thinking about this.
Besides spending more time with them, what else do you suggest I do to prepare myself for their passing? -- LOVING GRANDDAUGHTER
DEAR LOVING GRANDDAUGHTER: Accept that death is a part of life and make sure that yours is a full and happy one. And make an effort to stay in the moment. The more time you spend obsessing about what will eventually happen, the less you will have to enjoy the blessings you have today.