DEAR READERS: I couldn't let April Fools' Day go by without featuring a few of the more colorful letters that have shown up in my mail recently:
DEAR ABBY: I'm getting ready to undergo my first-ever prostate exam. To be honest, I'm a bit nervous. What should I expect? Also, what's the dress code for something like this? I'm thinking about wearing nice slacks and a collared shirt.
The doctor has been patient and kind. He hasn't put any pressure on me. I want this to be special. I'm thinking about bringing a bottle of wine. After all, it's only the first time once. Advice? -- UNTOUCHED FROM THE VIRGIN ISLANDS
DEAR UNTOUCHED: Your attire isn't as important as your attitude. Just relax and let the doctor "handle" things. As to the wine, I have it on good authority that a nice bottle of cabernet sauvignon goes well with a prostate exam if you drink enough beforehand.
DEAR ABBY: I recently got a wedding invitation in the mail. However, it was meant for the previous occupants who used to live here. My question is, would it be wrong for me to crash the wedding? After all, I DID receive the invitation. I won't make a fuss, and I'll only be there for the free food. -- LIKES GOOD DEALS IN MISSOURI
DEAR LIKES: Like so many others.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend won't stop asking me to marry him. The first time he proposed, we were in the middle of a fancy restaurant. It was very sweet. Naturally, I said yes.
He must have liked the way the restaurant patrons and staff applauded us. Since then, he has proposed to me at a basketball game, in a museum, at a crowded party and in five other restaurants. When I tell him to stop, he says he loves me so much and wants everyone to know.
What can I do about him? I feel he's turning me into a con artist. We're no better than those people who tell servers it's their birthday just to get a piece of cake. -- ENGAGED IN DECEIT
DEAR ENGAGED: Your fiance appears to like repeat performances. Now cross your fingers and hope he feels the same way about the wedding night.
DEAR ABBY: I love it when my husband mows the lawn. He does it shirtless and in his cutoff jeans, and it really gets me going. I'm so turned on by his pasty white skin and beer belly, it's hard for me to control myself.
Unfortunately, he has the same effect on other women in the neighborhood. I see them peeking through their curtains, staring at him. One woman sits on her porch with binoculars, blatantly ogling my man.
What should I do? I considered telling my husband to remain fully clothed when he does yard work, but that punishes him far more than it does them. -- HUFFY HOOSIER
DEAR HOOSIER: Silly girl. With a husband so mesmerizing, think of the money you could make selling tickets!
DEAR ABBY: My dog Fred watches your column religiously. I don't think he understands the written word, at least not completely. But he sure tries. He sits there and looks at it intently. Sometimes he slobbers over the horoscopes -- he's a Pisces -- but never on your column.
I read your column out loud to him, too. He always barks during the funny parts. He's the smartest dog I've ever seen. Abby, I just wanted you to know you have a four-legged fan out there. -- ROSIE IN ROSWELL
DEAR ROSIE: I'm "aarf-ully" touched to know that Fred's a fan. Wishing you and Fred and all of my readers a Happy April Fools' Day. -- LOVE, ABBY
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)