TO MY READERS: A very happy Easter to all of you. -- LOVE, ABBY
A Decade After Mom's Death, Boyfriend Is Still Struggling
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 10 years, "Ethan," lost his mother to suicide 11 years ago on Dec. 31. The first couple of years after her death, he'd put on a happy face during the holiday season. But in recent years he has gotten more and more moody. I love the season, from Halloween all the way through my birthday in February. I enjoy making my loved ones happy during this time, but no matter what I do, it doesn't work for Ethan.
I understand there's no limit to how long you can mourn someone, especially your mother. I couldn't imagine losing mine, but how can I get him to not drag everyone down into the funk he puts himself in? I don't want to downplay Ethan's emotions, but even when we are opening presents together, he has an "I don't give a ----" face.
For the last few winters all we seem to do is argue about nothing or everything. I am at the point of walking on pins and needles around him to avoid being sad during a time I love so much. I'm at my wits' end.
He went to therapy for a little while, but stopped because he no longer had the time. (He works two jobs and is on call basically 24/7.) I work as well, and have asked him to quit one of the jobs because he is getting older (mid-40s) and it's not good for his health. What else can I do? -- NO COMFORT IN JOY
DEAR NO COMFORT: Sympathize with Ethan, tell him that it's clear he is still hurting, and suggest he talk with another therapist because depression may run in his family. You should also tell him that his "funk" is contagious and you would like to be able to enjoy the holidays. Or, consider socializing less with Ethan from October through February and spend the time with others like you who would like to celebrate.
Concerns About Toddler's Development Should Be Quickly Addressed
DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned that my great-grandson may be autistic. He is 13 months old. He never laughs or giggles out loud, and his response when spoken to often is expressionless. However, he will occasionally smile slightly, is already walking and says a few words we can understand. He also is extremely hyperactive.
His parents appear oblivious to this behavior, and I wouldn't dare suggest that I may be seeing a problem. My question is: Do all pediatricians check for this at regular visits? My understanding is the earlier the detection, the better to start treatment. -- WORRIED GREAT-GRAMMY
DEAR GRAMMY: Pediatricians perform developmental screenings at each and every visit, and any delays out of the ordinary should be investigated further. Typical autistic features include social interaction difficulties and speech delay.
Autism is a difficult diagnosis to establish since many of the features aren't apparent at a young age. Most pediatricians will do an M-CHAT (Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers) at 18 months of age. If the M-CHAT reveals areas of concern, a full developmental assessment is recommended.
Because you are worried, you should bring your concerns up with the parents so they can discuss this with their pediatrician. That way the doctor can reassure the parents (and you) if your great-grandson is developing appropriately, or refer the child for a full developmental assessment if there is cause for concern because earlier detection is always better. You are wise for seeking advice for your concerns regarding the child, and I'm glad you wrote.
Couple Planning for Future Disagrees on Fiscal Policy
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He is applying to graduate school, while I am applying to medical school. He's wonderful and we talk often about marriage and our future. Both of us have student loan debt, which we are aggressively working to pay down, pulling long hours at work.
My problem is, he thinks nothing of planning weeks-long, extravagant vacations for us. I make twice what he does, but I prefer saving for the obvious debt in my future and taking shorter, less-expensive vacations. He relies on his "strategic financial planning" to compensate for his "I want it all, and I want it now" personality.
When I express my hesitancy to go on these long trips based on my personal finances, he offers to pay for everything, which makes me feel like a cheapskate, since I could technically pay for us both easily. Am I unreasonable in saying I'm uncomfortable with either of us spending thousands of dollars that would be better spent setting up our future together? -- VACATION SCROOGE
DEAR SCROOGE: Oh, how I wish you had revealed more information about your boyfriend's "strategic financial planning" because I'm sure many people would be very interested. However, if he's investing in the stock market, he should know that it's like an elevator -- investments not only can go up, but they also can come down, and there are no guarantees regarding investment results.
Before this relationship goes further, I URGE you and your boyfriend to seek not only couples counseling but also financial counseling. Few things are more destructive to a marriage than money woes, and you both need someone to explain exactly what the philosophy of "I want it all, and I want it now" will mean for your future.
'Accidents' Seem to Happen When Boyfriend's Childhood Friend Is Near
DEAR ABBY: I'm having a problem with my boyfriend's friend "Chuck." Chuck constantly does things like open a door on me (which has left bruises), run into me "by accident" (which caused me to trip) or "accidentally" push me into the water. My boyfriend already knows I have strong reservations about his friend's character, and it upsets him because Chuck is a childhood friend.
I don't like to bring it up as often as these incidents occur, but I'm worried that one day I'll finally lose my temper and be accused of making a big deal out of nothing when it's obviously something. How can I make Chuck stop before something happens? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Has it occurred to you that Chuck may be jealous of the time you and his friend spend together, and may be punishing you because he feels you have taken his friend away from him? I suggest this because that's the way he has been acting -- literally trying to "push" you out of the picture. I see nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend about everything Chuck has "accidentally" done to you, and then letting him deal with his friend's insecurities.
Wife's Weight Loss Draws Looks From Wrong Direction
DEAR ABBY: I'm 39 and have been married for nine years. Three years into our marriage I got sick and lost a lot of weight. I now turn heads everywhere I go. All except the head I want to turn -- my husband's.
He drives a truck and all he does is talk to and sext larger, unattractive older women. He has gone to counseling and 12-step meetings, and I've told him to get out numerous times. Nothing has helped.
I'm now getting to the point that I feel I can work again. Is it wrong for me to be making an exit plan for when my son from a previous marriage turns 18? -- TURNS THE WRONG HEADS
DEAR TURNS: If I told you it was wrong, would you stop doing it and remain in an unhappy marriage? I doubt it. If your husband is attracted to other women and acting on it, you should absolutely prepare yourself for the day you declare your independence. It's far more sensible than being unprepared.
DEAR ABBY: My brother got married a year ago after dating for less than a year. His wife started calling my parents Mom and Dad from the get-go. I didn't realize how much it would bother me, but it does and, frankly, I resent her for it.
I'm very close to my parents, and I view our bond as sacred. To me, Mom and Dad aren't names you use lightly, to be cute or as a term of endearment. The relationship is earned and unique.
I would never think of calling my husband's parents Mom and Dad, and I don't feel that I'm offending them by not doing so. Is there a proper way to discuss this with my brother and sister-in-law without hurting feelings or creating tension? -- ANNOYED SISTER-IN-LAW
DEAR ANNOYED: Calm down and curb the attitude, because if you say anything you will appear to be jealous and petty. What your sister-in-law is doing is very common. Regardless of what she calls your parents, you are still their daughter and she is not. If they didn't like her calling them Mom and Dad, I'm sure they would let her know they preferred she choose something else.
Woman Contemplating Marriage Feels There's a Limit to Her Love
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a really great guy for five years. He is wonderful to my son and treats him as his own.
The problem is, I don't think I am capable of truly being in love with anyone. I care deeply about him -- as much as I am capable of loving. My question is, would it be unfair to him if I agree to marry him knowing he loves me more than I love him? -- TO MARRY OR NOT TO MARRY
DEAR T.M. OR N.T.M.: I'm not sure many couples love each other equally. More often one loves the other more. If you think you can be a good wife to this man, then marry him. Obviously, you have a high degree of compatibility, or he wouldn't be considering marriage to you.