TO MY JEWISH READERS: As the sun sets tonight, Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, begins. As we begin this time of solemn introspection, let me wish you all, "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life for a good year.
DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my boyfriend for 11 months. Things are mostly good, but there are a few things I need your advice on.
He still hasn't introduced me to his grown daughter, and he stays in contact with his ex-wife. When he gets drunk, he texts her and tells her he loves her and wants to go back home to her, but when he's sober, he insists he loves only me and wants us to spend our lives together.
Do you think he's still in love with her, or does he really love me? I have talked to his friends. They say he loves me and not her because he wouldn't be with me if he didn't. -- LOVES ME, LOVES ME NOT
DEAR L.M.L.M.N.: Do I think your boyfriend is still in love with his ex? Let me put it this way -- he still has feelings for her, but whether they are strong enough that she's a threat to your relationship I can't be sure.
What does need addressing because you and he have been living together for nearly a year is why you haven't met the daughter, and the fact that this man may have a drinking problem. Once you do, you'll find the answers you're looking for.
Older Workers Bring Maturity and Experience to the Table
DEAR ABBY: Please encourage businesses to consider the benefits of hiring senior adults. They tend to be empty nesters and have skills that one can learn only from years of experience in the job market. Seniors are prompt, non-demanding and without a sense of self-entitlement. The baby boomer generation already knows the computer basics. They can be taught about software related to the job at hand, and they don't have a tendency to "job hop." Thanks for letting me have my say. -- BELIEVES IN SENIOR WORK ETHICS
DEAR BELIEVES: What you say about senior workers is true. They are hardworking, dedicated and motivated. However, it is up to each employer to decide what qualities they want and need while hiring, and I wouldn't presume to suggest they discriminate against a younger job-seeker.
Birthday Invitation Comes With Gift-Giving Instructions
DEAR ABBY: My 9-year-old granddaughter was invited to a birthday party for a friend. The invitation said "cash and gift cards only, please." My daughter bought a card for her daughter and said she would put $20 in it. I'm Scottish; when she told me, I fainted. Then she said she had two $10s and would discuss it with her hubby.
What is an acceptable amount in this case? I'm glad I'm old. I appreciate it if someone still thinks enough of me to send a card. -- SCOTSMAN IN NOVA SCOTIA
DEAR SCOTSMAN: Pass the smelling salts my way, because I, too, was taken aback when I read that a guest had been instructed on what kind of gift to bring to a birthday party. How rude!
Ask your daughter how she arrived at the amount of money she's considering sending as birthday loot. The suggestion on the invitation was only that -- a suggestion. She should determine an amount that suits her budget. That's the amount she should give.
Parent Seeks Way to Help Daughter Stay Clear of Bully
DEAR ABBY: I'm about to get custody of my daughter after four years, so I'm a little out of the parenting etiquette loop. A friend of mine has a daughter, "Autumn," who is an absolute terror and a bully. The girl has been rude to my daughter during the times she has visited.
I know I won't be able to avoid social functions because Autumn's family is always invited to a mutual friend's events. My daughter wants nothing to do with her, and I don't know how to easily avoid play dates. Please advise. -- PERPLEXED IN THE WEST
DEAR PERPLEXED: Talk to Autumn's parents about her behavior, so it can be corrected. If you are worried about your daughter having to interact with the girl, suggest that she socialize with the other children at the event and stay out of Autumn's way. If the girl acts out against your daughter, tell your child she is welcome to come and spend some time with you. While you can't completely insulate her from unpleasant peers, this may lessen the pain.
Friends Should Divide and Conquer School Classwork
DEAR ABBY: I'm in high school, and I'm having some problems with my friend "Dave." I'm in every one of his classes, and he keeps coming to me and asking if I want to work with him. I need to say no, but I don't know how. It would be nice to work with other friends, but how do I tell that to Dave? -- CONNECTICUT SOPHOMORE
DEAR SOPHOMORE: Be frank with your friend. All you have to say is: "Dave, I like working with you -- but I also want to work with other people. If we both work with some of the others, it will keep us sharper." And if he indicates that he's taking it as a personal rejection, tell him it isn't true -- that you like him, but think it's not smart for either of you to limit yourselves. (It's the truth.)
Guilt Gnaws at Intermediary After Escape From Family Drama
DEAR ABBY: I could use some advice about family roles. Mine always seems to be the peacekeeper and mediator. Without going into too much detail, my family has some issues, and they usually volunteer me to fix the problem. It's extremely stressful, and I feel guilty when I don't succeed.
I am a travel nurse, and I accepted an assignment across the country to try to step back from it. Some of the drama follows me here, but it's nothing like when I was home. My guilt continues because I feel like my duty is to be with my family, especially my sister, who is emotionally co-dependent on me. Any advice to help divide the roles? -- OVERWHELMED IN PHOENIX
DEAR OVERWHELMED: Please stop feeling like you did something wrong in taking that assignment. You made the right choice. By doing it, you have gifted your family with the opportunity to learn to deal with its issues without relying exclusively on you. By now it should have dawned on you that you cannot fix your sister's co-dependency problem. Only she can do that, if she's willing to recognize that she has a problem and accept that a licensed psychotherapist -- and not her sister -- can provide her with the tools to overcome it.
Basic Voting Information Is Available Just a Click Away
DEAR ABBY: Election Day is just over a month away. As it approaches, many people have questions about voting that could keep them away from the polls this November.
USAGov can help. We're the federal program that connects Americans to government information and services. Responding to questions from people across the country, we created an online guide to voting and elections at USA.gov/voting.
Our goal is to equip everyone with the basic information they need to register and get their vote counted. The information is free, easy to understand and nonpartisan.
There, readers can begin the registration process for their state or contact their local election office to update their voter information, learn what form of identification may be needed and the location of their polling place. We also provide information on how to vote early or absentee -- which is helpful for those who can't get out to vote, or who serve overseas in the military. Learn about sample ballots, tips for researching candidates, accessibility laws for voters with disabilities and much more.
Abby, thank you for sharing USA.gov/voting with your readers, and for your long partnership in connecting them with information from their government to make their lives a little less complicated. -- NANCY TYLER, SENIOR EDITOR, USA.GOV
DEAR NANCY: You are welcome. Readers, in the 2012 presidential election, less than half (42 percent) of Americans who were eligible to vote did so. A person who has the right to vote and doesn't is no better off than the millions of people in this world who do not have that privilege. We are fortunate to live in a country where citizens are allowed to cast a ballot. The direction our country takes domestically and internationally is to a great extent determined by the citizens who exercise that right.
Regular, absentee and early voting all have registration deadlines that vary state by state -- some as much as a month before Election Day, which is Nov. 8. So visit the voter registration section of USA.gov/voting, where you will find a button to begin the registration process.
Office Building Security Is Breached When Doors Are Opened to Strangers
DEAR ABBY: I work in an office where employee badges are issued and used to gain access to the building itself and to more sensitive areas. I know most of the people who work here and happily hold the door open for them, but there are also a lot of people I don't know -- some with badges indicating they work here, and others without identification.
I don't want to let in someone who does not belong here and risk our safety and security. Would it be better to ask for ID before holding doors? What about friendly visitors? -- BUILDING ACCESS IN BOISE
DEAR BOISE: Companies pay large sums of money to ensure their buildings are secure. If someone doesn't have an access card or a security badge, you should not hold the door open regardless of how friendly the person appears to be. To do otherwise circumvents the security and safety of the building and puts everyone -- including yourself -- at risk.